What's wrong with me?
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| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:08pm |
I'm not sure where exactly to start with this but let's just say that if you're
home alone on a Saturday night typing "loneliness" and "depression" into an Internet
search engine things have pretty much hit rock bottom.
My biggest problem is that I'm alone, and I mean really alone, most of the time. I'm a 44 year old widow with two school age children. I've been looking for work for almost 4 years but can't seem to get hired. My husband died almost 11 years ago and in that 11 years I've had one relationship (if you want to call it that) that lasted 6 months and that was seven years ago. I haven't really dated since then. My mother and father are both deceased and my brothers all live out of town. I'm not really that close to them anyway. I don't really have any friends as everyone I know is married and I feel that most of my old "friends" have abandoned me.
So, I don't work, have no family and I have no social life. I've always been a very lonely person but it feels like it's worse. I've always had the feeling like I didn't fit in or like I was invisible. Needless to say, this feeling only intensifies as I get older.
My kids are getting older and spending more time with their friends so I'm alone even more.
I've tried joining groups like parents without partners before but I'm not really a joiner. I don't want to be a member of a bunch of clubs, I just want a few friends I could maybe go to a movie or to dinner with.
Since I seem to have trouble establishing relationships in every area of my life, I know there's something wrong me me, I just don't know what it is. I used to deal with my loneliness by drinking - at least that got me in a happy mood and around people! But I don't drink anymore and definitely don't want to hang out with a crowd that does. I'm also not really into organized religion.
Sometimes I get really depressed because my life has turned out so differently from my friends'. I've raised my children all alone, gotten through the deaths of my mother and father, alone, go through every Christmas, New Years, birthday, alone.
I'm tired of being alone but I also know that I get a lot of rejection, from men, jobs, friends. I've been taking Paxil for a long time but I don't want more drugs - I need a life. I know it's not good for my kids to have a mom who's alone all the time.
What's wrong with me??
Karen

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((((((Karen)))))), you have had a huge number of losses in a short time.
I used to work as a personal trainer and one of my favorite success stories was a lady who had never exercised and had extreme low self-esteem. I took her walking for a few weeks, and slowly we added light weight-bearing exercises at the gym. Within 3 months she was physically fitter and more comfortable, but more importantly, she had met other ladies at the gym, made friends and had something to look forward to every day.
If you are interested in this, there are message boards here on health and fitness. Or yoga- another great idea!
currently working pt, but only 5 hours a day). Before I had kids, I used to
love Jazzercise. I found a class in this area and I'm thinking of checking
it out tonight.
Karen
I CAN SO RELATE TO YOUR FEELING OF NOT FITTING IN. I LIVE THIS EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. THING IS I HAVE LEARNED AND AM STILL) LEARNING TO BE HAPPY DESPITE THIS. I HAVE LEARNED TO ACCEPT MY SELF DESPITE MY FAULTS OR WHAT I PERCEIVE TO BE FAULTS. ANOTHER MEMBER MADE A GREAT POINT EARLIER WHEN SHE SAID THAT SHE HAD STOPPED COMPARING THE WAY SHE FELT INSIDE TO THE WAY EVERYONE LOOKED ON THE OUTSIDE. BOY, THAT SURE HITS THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!! I KNOW, GROUPS AND CLUBS CAN SEEM INTIMIDATING AND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BELONGS AND ARE FRIENDS AND YOU ARE JUST THIS WEIRD OUTSIDER. i HAVE FELT THIS WAY MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I STILL HAVE TIMES WHEN I WILL LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE AND THINK" IF I ONLY HAD HER LIFE, OR IF I ONLY LOOKED LIKE HER ETC. ETC. I DO THIS WITH MY HUSBANDS EX WIFE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE SHE HAPPENS TO BE THINNER, TALLER AND IN MY PERCEPTION MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ME!! SHE ALSO IS AN EXTREMELY SOCIAL BUTTERFLY TYPE OF PERSON!!!! I USED TO THINK MY HUSBAND WAS COMPARING US AND IT JUST DROVE ME CRAZY. I'VE HAD TO LEARN TO TALK TO MYSELF (IN A POSITIVE WAY). I TRY TO REPLACE THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OF "BEING DIFFERENT" TO THOUGHTS OF "OF COURSE I'M DIFFERENT BUT THAT'S WHY MY LIFE IS INTERESTING". I TRY TO GET OUSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE. ANOTHER MEMBER SAID THIS AS WELL. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS IF YOU WANT TO GROW AS A PERSON. I HAVE TO DECIDE EACH DAY TO "FORGET MYSELF" WHAT I MEAN BY THIS IS TO NOT FOCUS ON MYSELF AND WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME SO MUCH. THIS IS THE KEY. FOCUS ON OTHERS. YOUR KIDS, PEOPLE AT YOUR TEMP JOB. DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OF YOU BECAUSE CHANCES ARE THEIR SO CONCERNED WITH THEIR OWN INSECURITIES THAT THEY AREN'T THINKING OF YOU ANYWAY. AND DON'T WORRY IF EVERYONE LIKES YOU OR NOT. THIS USED TO BE A HUGE ISSUE FOR ME. IF SOMEONE DID'NT LIKE ME MY SENSE OF SELF ESTEEM WOULD DROP TO THE BOTTOM. BUT NOW I SEE THAT IF EVERYONE LIKES ME ALL OF THE TIME THEN I'M PROBABLY NOT LIVING.
MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER RECENTLY TAUGHT ME A HUGE LESSON WHEN SHE JOINED THE 4H CLUB HORSE PROJECT. SHE WENT TO HER FIRST MEETING NOT KNOWING ANY OF THE OTHER GIRLS THERE. SHE IS THE QUIET SORT OF SHY TYPE SO I KIND OF "REALLY FELT FOR HER" BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS SEEMED TO BE BUDDIES AND WERE LAUGHING AND TALKING. AS I SAID I WAS KIND OF FEELING BAD FOR HER BECAUSE THE FIRST 4 OR 5 MEETINGS SHE DID'NT REALLY SEEM TO BE MAKING FRIENDS. I KIND OF THOUGHT SHE WAS'NT WANTING TO GO ANYMORE SO I TOLD HER THAT SHE DID'NT HAVE TO GO IF SHE REALLY DID'T WANT TO. SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY AND SAID "MOM, HORSES ARE MY LIFE, WHY WOULD'NT I WANT TO GO"? I TOLD HER THAT SHE JUST SEEMED QUITE AND DID'NT SAY MUCH AT THE MEETINGS SO I JUST THOUGHT THAT MAYBE SHE DID'NT WANT TO GO AND THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE SIGNED UP DID'NT MEAN THAT SHE HAD TO FEEL PRESSURED. I WAS HONESTLY TRYING TO BE A CARING UNDERSTANDING PARENT. SHE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY AGAIN AND SAID "MOM, THE REASON I'M QUIET AT THE MEETINGS IS JUST BECAUSE I'M NEW AND HAVEN'T REALLY GOT TO KNOW THE OTHER GIRLS YET BUT THEIR NICE AND I'M SURE I'LL MAKE SOME FRIENDS AND ALSO I'M REALLY TRYING TO CONCENTRATE EXTRA HARD ON THE HORSE JUDGING TRAINING BECAUSE I CAME IN ONTHE LAST AND HAVE TO CATCH UP".
TALK ABOUT PERSPECTIVE!!!! I HUGGED HER SO HARD SHE WAS GASPING FOR AIR. A TERRIFIC LESSON LEARNED FROM AN 11 YEAR OLD!!!!
FINALLY, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, PRAY.
I KNOW YOU SAID THAT YOUR NOT MUCH ON ORGANIZED RELIGION. ME EITHER.
DEVELOP YOU "OWN" RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. READ YOUR BIBLE. ASK GOD TO LEAD YOU ON THE PATH OF PEACE AND I PROMISE YOU WILL GET THERE.
GOD WILL GIVE YOU AN IDENTITY AND LIFE BASED ON HIS WISDOM. YOU'LL FIT IN JUST LIKE A PUZZLE PIECE. YOUR FOCUS WILL THEN BE DIRECTED TO THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH THAT YOU LOVE FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART AND ON HIS DIVINE SERENITY. YOU BE JUST WHERE YOU BELONG AND BEST OF ALL YOU WILL HAVE A DEEP SENSE OF KNOWING IT.
IF YOU EVER WOULD LIKE COMPANY OR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT ON YOUR WAY EMAIL OR POST ME A MESSAGE ANY TIME.
WITH LOVE
TRINA
home alone on a Saturday night typing "loneliness" and "depression" into an Internet
search engine things have pretty much hit rock bottom."
I can relate to what you are saying. I've done the same myself. *sigh* Your situation is definitely one I can relate to. I'm young, but have always been a loner. Could never really relate to my peers, live in a situation where I am not really welcome in my home. To get away from my abusive family, I'm about to move about 700 miles away, and there I will have no one that knows me really. I'm gonna try to get out, but I know how you feel about not really being a joiner.
My advice to you, and I hope this doesn't sound like, I dunno, arrogant or anything, you're more experienced in life than me, is to try the clubs and groups, and see if you can reach out to a few people. Yes, just belonging to a club isn't really all that fun, but there is a chance to meet people that you don't get spending all your time alone. It's worth the risk... Also, if you are "spiritual but not religous" like I am, the Unitarian Universalist church is good...they accept all people, and are really nice.
What about hobbies, do you have any that you could do a search in your area on and see if they have get togethers for?
I hope some of this helps. I honestly can feel your pain. Hugs from me.
Samantha
Thanks for your response. Don't ever think you're being arrogant or that
you don't know as much just because you're young, I'll always appreciate
the comments.
For two nights I've meant to go to Jazzercise. Tuesday night I fell
asleep and woke up too late for class, and last night I got all
ready and went, but I didn't read the schedule right and they were
having a different class from Jazzercise :( But I had a nice chat with
the instructor and I'm definitely going tonight! If I could get back
into the routine of going a few times a week I know I'd feel better.
I did try the Unitarian church once because I felt they most closely
matched my views on religion, but the one near here is quite big and
I didn't get a very "warm" feeling about it. Maybe I should try again
though as it may have been me, I don't know.
You say you're moving 700 miles away and won't know anyone where you're
going? May I ask why such a far move (if it's not too nosy)?
Karen
I found a class close by and put on my gear and went. I think I kept
up pretty well considering I hadn't done any of the routines or anything
in a very long time. It sure felt good! I used to do Jazzercise all the
time before I had the kids.
I didn't worry about whether anyone was talking to me or paying attention
to me or whether I "fit in" I just went and had fun. I'm definitely going
back!!
Karen
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