New here, feeling sad, hope u can help

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Registered: 07-12-2003
New here, feeling sad, hope u can help
14
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi,

I wanted to say hi. I think I've posted here in the past but it was a loooooong time ago.

I'm feeling sad today and wonder if any of you have gone through what I'm going through right now--I have a learning disablitily and attention deficit. I'm in my early 40's. I'm sad about a lot of things, but right now it's my family--

They're kind of toxic for me. It seems that whenever we're together--which isn't much or if I say too much over the phone, the information that I give is either twisted around or I'm told I'm wrong about what I remember. It's my parents who do this to me but my sister doesn't side with me, always with them.

I'm tired of being "wrong" all the time. I know I'm not. I'll tell a story about my own memory and they'll tell me it didn't happen that way and when I challenge them they just say, "well, we remember it differently." It seems like we can't have a conversation at all because I always hear, "that didn't happen," or "I don't remember that...."

I realized with the help of my therapist that toxic as they are, I can't just detatch myself from them. My sister once said that she was concerned about them getting older because it would be "all on her" since I live 6 hours away by car. I could get there 2 hours by plane and would in a heartbeat.

However, due to my learning disability, I've pretty much been branded as not too smart or capable in my family or that's the way they make me feel. Recently when my mother was going through some medical issues and I was visiting I was told not to get on the other extention with the doctor because they wouldn't be able to hear (my mother, father and sister were each on one, why my being on the 4 extension would make it that much harder to hear, I don't know....). My sister has consulted in the healthcare industry. It doesn't make her a doctor but boy do they treat her like the expert on all things.

If I don't communicate with them ever again, then I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy for my sister. I won't be there in the end or when they are sick. Also, by detaching myself from my entire family my daughter loses out, and she adores them. They've criticized my husband too, so he doesn't relish the idea of visits with them either.

So, I've been advised to keep conversations as short as possible and visit infrequently and have them visit less frequently.

It makes me so sad. I can't change things but I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to even talk to them over the phone because I don't want to be criticized.

The ironic thing about them remembering things differently is that they both have complained about being forgetful. When telling a story in which I was supposedly "wrong" the other day my mother couldn't remember someone's name, and my Dad says that he forgets the names of people he works with on a daily basis and is embarrassed about it. And, I'm the one that is remembering wrong?

Have any of you been through anything like this? How have you coped?

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Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 5:39pm

Welcome back, Baseballbaby!

AcornLeaves
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Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:02pm
Barbara,

Thanks so much for your really kind words and suggestions. Unfortunately I didn't get adequate support for my LD and ADD when I was young. The so called experts told my parents that I would grow out of it, which was common advise at the time, because that's what was believed. Little did they and my parents realize the social and emotional toll they had on me. I got tutoring and at my own request got counseling. My parents kept telling me that once I got out of school I wouldn't be LD anymore, and they believed it thoroughly, so I guess they just feel like I'm not as capable as most now. Who knows though for sure.

Fortunately my husband is supportive, but I still have a lot of sadness and anger related to the LD and ADD that he can't understand. He also can't really understand why I have trouble keeping jobs and why I hate authority figures.

Your advise about sending e-mails and e-cards is so great. I do find that writing to them is better than talking to them. Right now I'm too angry to send e-mail and e-cards but eventually I will.

I've been told that I was the family scapegoat before. It helps to know that others have gone through that as well. Once you're the family scapegoat you never get out of that. It's a shame because I don't get many complements but when I do they are often overshadowed by criticism later on.

I guess we can agree to disagree on stories from the past, but it's very hard on me when I know for a fact that they are wrong. I'm pretty strong-willed and stubborn--as are they and I don't like to be wrong and I don't like to be told I can't do something (another story all together!)

Thanks for understanding. It really helps to have people to vent to that understand. It takes the pressure off of my husband, who doesn't always understand because his parents respect him. It also helps because I only see my therapist every other week and sometimes it's hard to wait that long without feeling like I'm going to burst!



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Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:51am

I wonder if there might be any chance of you getting some remedial work even now to help with your learning disabilities and ADD?

AcornLeaves
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Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 3:02am
Boy, do I relate to what you are talking about! My family all has very selective and distorted memories of events. Luckily, they agree on how events went with my dad. There are enough outside sources that label my dad as a criminal psychopath, that I have validation about those events. However, while my dad molested a string of people over his adult life, no one in my family will believe that raped me. "Dad wouldn't do that." Even someone he molested as a teenager didn't want to believe that my dad was that bad of a person.

My mom has the worst memory in the world. We have fought on numerous occasions about what actually happened in my childhood. Last year she said something very insulting. I repeated it back to her and she said, "I never said that!" I said, "You said that 30 seconds ago!" Luckily, I was holding the phone with my dh listening on the other end. I said, "Allen, did you hear my mom say that?" He said that he did. Then I told her that Allen heard it too, if she wanted to ask him. So she said, "That's not what I meant by that!" I said, "Well, that's what you said. So don't start denying what you say.

I can't believe how many times my mom has denied events. She doesn't remember almost anything about my childhood, so she says it didn't happen. But then at times she will say things like, "I don't really remember your father, Dear." Gee, they were married for 21 years, but she can't remember him? So I flatly tell her, "If you don't remember my dad, how can you vouch for anything that happened when I was a child? There was even once when she said, "Of course, I remember him. I never said I didn't." Talk about crazymaking behavior!

We all have things in the past that impacted us more than they impacted others. Also, we all know what our PERCEPTION is of a situation. My sister gets really mad about anything from the past that's mentioned that doesn't portray her as a big hero. If it that happens, she denies the whole thing. She only remembers herself as a hero. She doesn't know what she has said. She just knows how she perceived what others said in a way that insulted her. She is a classic narcissist. Narcissists have such inflated and sensitive egos. They viciously attack anyone who they feel is not feeding their egos. I don't talk to my sister anymore, mostly because she's verbally abusive and gives my perspective no validity at all.

I generally avoid the other two siblings who invalidate me. I have gotten to the point where I speak to my mother only sparingly. I try to avoid conversations about the past. However, she has learned not to invalidate me. If she does, I let her know quite verbally that it is not OK. She's the only person in my life that I ever fight with, but she's learned well enough to avoid most of the kind of behavior that elicits me getting upset. It took a lot of pain and tears before you finally acknowledged to me that my childhood was awful. I told her point blank that I needed her to apologize for letting all of that happen. Even then getting her to say it took a lot of assertiveness.

My dad died eight years ago, but I had not spoken to him for 7 years prior to that.

For me, getting toxic people out of my life has really helped. It is freeing and such a relief. I haven't ever missed having my sister in my life. It freed me of the pain and heartache I always went through for weeks after talking to her on the phone.

That's my experience with a similar problem. You aren't alone. Toxic, dysfunctional people deny their bad behavior. I don't know if they believe what they say or not. I think my mom really does believe it. Her memory is that bad. She often says, "I would never had said that." It's not that she doesn't remember saying that. She doesn't remember much of anything. But she can't believe she would have behaved so badly because it doesn't fit in with her view of herself.

It sounds like you are doing the best you can by avoiding your parents as much as possible. I support you in doing what you need to do for yourself, even if that means only talking to your parents on Christmas and to arrange visits for your daughter to fly out to see them by herself. Whatever works, right?

Good Luck,

MariaC

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Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 1:46pm
Hi baseballbaby,

I can't say as though I have gone through what you have with your family. I agree that your best bet would be to try and communicate with them via email or mail.

Sometimes it's hard to let go of certain things..issues you perceive one way and they perceive another way...it's hard but sometimes those issues just don't get cleared up..because you can't force a person to change their perception.

In regards to your disablities..I have 2 children with disabilities my son has been recieving help and therapy since the age of 3 and my daughter since the age of 1 1/2 yrs old. I would highly recommend seeing if you can meet with a specialist who deals specifically with LD's and ADD...because even though I'm sure you have developed coping mechinism a specialist can also help you with the hurt and frustration that I can guess you must be feeling that you weren't given the help you should have. Your difficulties are not your fault at all and I'll tell you something else..most people who have been diagnosed with LD's,ADD etc usually have very high IQ's it's just that they usually have to learn things in a slightly different manner then what is "typical". I just want to give you a great big ((((((((((hug))))))))))~~~Liv

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Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:20pm
Barbara,

Sorry I haven't written back in a few days. I actually tried on Friday, but for some reason couldn't get my note to post.

Anyway, my therapist does have familiarity with ADD and LD too, but in terms of support systems like voc. rehab. or someone like that I haven't found anyone who can really help me, short of a professional organizer, but they just cost way too much. I had a free session with one and she came back with an estimate of over $400 just to plan out one room with shelving and organization for toys and a home office. That was before we even bought materials. It really made me mad that trying to do something helpful for myself would be so expensive.

I looked into vocational rehabilitation a long time ago, but because I'm fortunate enough to be high-functioning, I didn't get the feeling they could do much for me there either. Do you have any more information about what they can do for people?

Thanks for your suggestions.

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Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:30pm
Maria,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I'm glad to know that there are other people who have toxic family situations out there. Your situation sounds far more serious that mine, but I know you are relating to the hurt that I feel. I'm sure having to deal with all of that has made you an incredibly strong person despite any feelings of depression you may have. Congratulations to you!

Was it Barbara, who said in another thread, that she she read about people interviewed as witnesses who were together at the same time and recalled details totally differently? That was comforting to hear. Now that I'm on meds. it's easier to see my situation for what it is, but it's hard to not let it get to me. I tend to brood about this stuff for a couple of weeks then I have a couple of weeks where I'm feeling more like me and then I have to see them again and it starts all over again. I think I wrote about that, though, already!

Thanks for validating my feelings. I'm really glad that I found this board. You're all so nice and it's so very helpful.

Avatar for baseballbaby
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Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:37pm
Liv,

Thanks for the hugs and the words of encouragement. It's very frustrating not to be able to afford the help that I need with coping mechanisms. The agency where I get therapy sees me basically for just my co-pay which I was very, very lucky to get. I had the people at the top pushing for me.

They've helped a lot but don't have anyone on staff that can help me with strategies. I'm going to keep trying to find support though.

It's so frustrating.

Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it.

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Registered: 08-21-2002
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:11pm
Good Afternoon -

Welcome to the board!!!! I have a question for you...your name is baseballlady...so are you a baseball fan?? I am a huge Baseball fan, especially the Seattle Mariners. I live, eat, breath, sleep baseball!!! Maybe we can chat about it sometime!!!

God Bless Ya

~Jen~

Anne
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Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:29pm

Hi, Baseballbaby!


Each state has its own Office of Vocational Rehabilitation.

AcornLeaves

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