New here (long , maybe some triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
New here (long , maybe some triggers)
1
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:24pm
Hi - I am new to this board so please bear with me as I explain my situation. First I am on anti-depressants, and while I need to go to a couselor, we cannot afford one.



I am currently finshing my masters degree in Crimimology, and have been accepted to a PhD program. I am, however, very unsure if i want to pursue this. First, I am burnt out, but am unsure if this is a product of the program, living 17 hours from home, or a combination of both. Second, if I were to get my PhD, I would want to be a professor, but I am unsure if I can deal with the pressures of having to publish and get grants. Addtionally, I am not very fond of the huge amount of politics involved. While I am very aware that politics exist in every job, they can be especially brutal in academics. Third, I am married which adds another dimension to this problem. Rather than just being able to and try out the phd, I have to take into account how this affects him.

My husband misses his family and wants to move back home for several reasons. He is 27 and wants to be police officer more than anything. He has been very supported up until now and has put off this dream so that I can continue my school. Time, however, is running short for him to get started due to the age limits on new hire police officers. He has the best opportunity back home, and has almost no opportunity where I would be going for my Phd. Additionally, it is important to be stable (not moving frequently) when you are in a department; therefore, he is unable to get started now because we will be moving in a few months after my masters. On top of this the first few years of life in academia can require several moves while you are trying to find the right fit. This would place an undue burden on his dream job. My husband is also beginning to push for starting a family and wants to be close to home to start one. If I were to pursue a life in academia would greatly hinder having a child due to the time constraints and the moving required in the first few years. In addition there is no gaurantee of where we would end up. I would like to have a child but am grabbling with when and where and how.

My parents also play a huge role in all of this. While I realize that I am a grown adult, they have helped us out tremendously, and their apporval matters. Additionally, due to financial reasons, if we moved back home, we ould have to live with them so any ill fellings would be amplified. My mother feels like my husband is hindering me and that I should go to the phd program. I don't want my parents to have any ill will towards my husband.

The optimum situation would be for me to start the phd program, just to try it out, while my husband moved home to start his career, but he absolutely refuses to live apart even though we would only be 3 hours from each other. He has stated over and over that this is an absolute no. I am not sure that I really want to attend the PhD program since it is four years long and then another 7 years of uncertainty while trying to get tenured, but I am afraid that if I take time off my connections will weaken and I won't be in the good situation that I currently find myself. In addition, I am not really sure what I would do if I wasn't a professor. I have thought about being a middle school teacher, but the pay is so miserable and the job security is not so good. I have spent my whole life excelling at school and am not sure what else I would do. There really isn't much you can do with a BA and an MA in Criminology, and I am not interested in law enforcement. I have looked at social work, but the pay and job security is even worse than teaching. If we are going to have children there is no way we would have enough to do all the things I would like to do on a cops and a social workers/teachers salary.

Please help! I am at my wits end, and need someone to help me sort through all the if/thens and what ifs. This is really beginning to affect my life where I am staying up all night worrying about it and crying. I am desperate for advice. I feel like I am being torn in so many directions.

To top this all off I cannot function on a daily level anywyas. I am having to take incompletes in all of my classes because I have been so unmotivated. I literally wake up and spend all day messing around on the computer or stare at the tv. I am sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day and feel miserable. In additio, I don't feel comfortable talking with any of my professors about what has been going on (messing wth medications, dealing with the depression, etc.). I have to finsih these papers soon but can't find the motivation to. Right now I feel so helpless and useless ther are so many things on my mind (finding a job for the summer, finishing theses paper, and other things) that I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:54pm

Welcome, Rerter!

AcornLeaves