I'm crying and I don't even know why....
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| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 10:02pm |
It's so darn frustrating that I have absolutely no control over this..I never know when it's gonna happen and I half the time can't figure out what the heck brought it on. Some days I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle others it feels like everything is going to be ok. It's almost like if I sit down and take a moment for myself..my mind and my body say ok..breakdown..Does it make sense to anyone here??
I feel sometimes like why..why am I doing this..what is wrong with me? Why can't I be "normal" I'm sick and tired of being referred to as a pysco *B* and hearing that I have nothing to complain about..that life isn't that bad..when I'm going through a rough time...I don't know it's just sooo frustrating to feel like I have absolutely no control over what's happening.
I seriously need to call around tomorrow and see if I can find a therapist and call my MD to see about dosage of the meds or different med altogether cause if I don't do something soon I feel like I'm seriously going to lose it and I will lose what little of myself I have left..I feel like I've lost my whole identity..ok..now I feel like I'm just completely rambling so many thoughts all jumbled in my head but I know that H will be home in about 1/2 hr so I know I have got to pull myself together and clean up so he doesn't know I've been crying..I'm just not up for another bout of "what are you complaining about..you get to stay at home with the kids" speech
~~Liv

Then again, I have many moments when a wave of depression seems to come over me for no reason whatsoever...and I agree with you that a change in medication could help with that. I think you're onto something when you say that your body or mind finally gives in and you begin to cry...sometimes I think little stressors or problems build up over time and we hardly realize it until that moment when we feel overwhelmed (at least this is how is seems to me sometimes).
One thing you mentioned in your post did especially concern me...your husband's lack of understanding and support for your problems. I've been told, and I've even said to myself before, that I have a good life and don't "deserve" to be sad...but that is very invalidating of your feelings. As my therapist says, there is no "should" when it comes to feelings...you simply feel how you feel, and you have a right, and reasons, to feel however you do. Everyone's life is different, and you can't compare your situation to another person's (I need to take my own advice, I admit!).
And if your husband is the one calling you names and saying that you are "psycho," it seems like he could be a major source of pain for you. I'm sorry that I don't know more about your situation, but have you ever looked into going to a therapy session or two with your husband (if he is willing), just to help him see your side of the story? I wish I knew what else to suggest...hopefully other members here will have ideas...but I am sorry that he is being so insensitive..."getting" to stay home with the kids is hardly the easiest job in the world, I can imagine!
I'm sending hugs and support...I hope things will start to look up soon for you,
Rose
Is this your husband who is saying this to you? I think that perhaps your breakdowns are your body's way of telling you that the situation you're in is not good for you. And taking care of children is a full time job! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly, dear, what you're experiencing is actually normal, you're in pain, someone or something is hurting you, and you're crying about it. I hope that you can get help and support soon.
Be blessed,
Samantha
DON'T BE UNNECCESSARILY HARD ON YOURSELF. I MEAN, YOUVE GOT A LOT GOING ON. WHO SAYS THAT STAYING HOME WITH THE KIDS IS A BARREL OF FUN ALL THE TIME? I KNOW IT CAN DRIVE YOU INSANE AT TIMES!!! IT IS TOTALLY NORMAL TO FEEL UPSET SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN LIFE IS NOT SO BAD. CRYING IS NORMAL TOO. GRANTED, SOMETIMES WHEN YOUR IN A LOW DEPRESSED MOOD CRYING SEEMS TO HAPPEN MORE THAN IT SHOULD BUT SO WHAT? I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL PERSON AND I USED TO THINK THAT CRYING WAS NOT A GOOD THING. I HAVE SINCE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT CRYING IS A VERY EFFECTIVE WAY AT RELEASING EMOTION THAT NEEDS TO GET OUT. THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHY YOUR CRYING IS NOT A BAD THING EITHER. THINGS BUILD UP INSIDE YOU, THINGS YOU SOMETIMES DON'T EVEN REGISTER AS BEING THERE BUT THEY ADD TO THIS BIG EMOTIONAL BALL OF STRESS AND EVENTUALLY ITS GOING TO COME OUT IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER. CRYING IS ACTUALLY A BETTER WAY THAN SOME LIKE YELLING AT YOUR KIDS, CURSING YOUR HUSBAND, HITTING A CO WORKER, ROAD RAGE, ETC!!! BUT I KNOW PEOPLE ALWAYS THINK SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN YOU CRY. I SOMETIMES EVEN CRY OUT OF HAPPINESS AND YES, MY HUSBAND LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M FROM ANOTHER PLANET. HE THINKS THAT CRYING IS SUPPOSED TO = SADNESS OR MENTAL INSTABILITY. MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO GET BY YOURSELF AND HAVE A REALLY GOOD CRY. SOMETIMES IT CAN BE SO RELIEVING. ITS OFTEN PAINFUL BUT WHEN YOU JUST REALLY LET IT OUT SOMETIMES YOU WILL FEEL REFRESHED AND HAVE A LITTLE BETTER PERSPECTIVE ON YOUR PROBLEM.
FINALLY, REFUSE TO LET ANYONE LABEL YOU AS A PSYCHO *B*. YOURE PROBABLY MORE NORMAL THAN THE THOUGHTLESS PERSON WHO SAID THAT. AGAIN THE QUESTION IS WHAT IS EXACTLY NORMAL ANYWAY? AND WHAT GIVES ANYONE THE RIGHT TO DEFINE THAT FOR YOU. YOU SOUND LIKE A PERFECTLY NORMAL PERSON WITH SOME TOUGH ISSUES IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW AND YOUR HANDLING THEM THE BEST YOU CAN. GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK. IF H DOES'NT UNDERSTAND, IF YOUR FAMILY OR KIDS DON'T UNDERSTAND THEN THEY JUST DON'T. TALK TO FRIENDS WHO DO UNDERSTAND AND MOST IMPORTANTLY TALK TO GOD. HE UNDERSTANDS EVERY INCH OF YOUR HEART AND MIND AND HE WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY.
I WISH YOU THE BEST.
MUCH LOVE,
TRINA
The thing is I know I'm in a situation that I probably shouldn't be in..or at least try and get him to go to counsling with me..but the thought of being a single mom to 3 children(2 of which have disablities) in a state where I have no family..where I haven't worked in about 6 years and would have no vehicle just scares the heck out of me.
He has been a little more understanding since I got diagnosed but he thinks that the meds make me distant and uncaring..although personally I don't think so..other then if there is a fight brewing I don't stir it up and when the kids do little things I don't let it get to me like it used to...I pick and choose my battles a little more carefully..thinking first and foremost.."is this really worth losing it over?"
I really don't know what I need, want and should do..but somehow I really need to figure it out and soon. Again thank you all for being so very kind and understanding and letting me just ramble on ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
~~~~~Liv