Hi - Newbie here - triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Hi - Newbie here - triggers
7
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:08pm
Hi All,

This is very difficult for me, but I think that it could help. I've never posted on a board about my illness before. It's hard to talk about. With anyone, even my psychiatrist.

A brief history: I was abused as a child, in all ways, left home when I was 12 & went to work, was into drugs & alcohol until I was 31 (now 48), 4 years ago I left a 12 year abusive relationship, 2 years ago my mom died, and I had a complete breakdown. Now I'm on social security, because I can't work. I've been diagnosed with major depression, BPD, disthymia, anxiety, & PTSD.

All that said... I'm taking myself off of my medications, because I think my dr. has had me vastly over-medicated. I was on straterra, wellbutrin, celexa, clonazepam, zanaflex, and lorazepam as needed. All at the same time. Since the first of the year, I have cut the zanafelx in half, the clonazepam is on it's last 2 weeks, the straterra is gone, and I cut the wellbutrin back 75 mg.

Mostly, I'm feeling much better, but it's difficult at times, because I have no one to talk to. I've never been good at making friends, much less talking to anyone about what's going on inside. When people ask about my past, I shrug it off as 'no big deal', but in reality, it is a big deal, because it has affected me all my life. But I am ashamed and embarassed about it, even though logically, I know it wasn't my fault. But of course, there's that little voice that says it was my fault, and I need to do whatever I can to make up for it.

One of the things that's hardest for me to deal with is not having a partner. In my entire life I have never not been in a relationship. It's been 4 years since I left my partner, and it's hard for me to deal with not having any physical affection or reassurance. I was doing ok until my mom died, but now I really have no one to talk with. She was my best friend.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely, and wanted to talk a bit. Thanks.


damarisanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 5:37pm

(((((((Damarisanne)))))))), I want to welcome you to our board.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:53pm
Hi Barbara,

Thanks for the hugs! I really appreciate it.

As for counseling, yes, I am able to get it. My ex still carries insurance for me. Although, I am having second thoughts lately about my psychiatrist, and really don't know where to begin with seeing someone else. I feel as if, rather than actually helping me deal with my grief, he just threw meds at me, so I wouldn't do anything rash. I tried to find a support group, but the only one that meets around here, apparently doesn't meet when they tell people they do. I went twice, to the scheduled time and place and found no one there. Frustrating, to say the least.

Where the meds are concerned, I am monitoring myself. If there is one thing I'm really quite good at, it's quitting drugs...lol. I was (at different times) addicted to alcohol, cocaine, cigarettes, & marijuana, and successfully quit all, on my own. I have a real stubborn streak, when I make up my mind. With the meds I'm taking now, I'm being more careful than I was with other drugs, and taking myself off in a controlled manner, a bit at a time, and keeping track of my emotional and physical well being. There are times when I have to constantly remind myself that I'm going through withdrawals and that they will pass, but overall, it has been going reasonably well. This, obviously, would be one of the days I remind myself.

I also worry about the social security, and how to deal with it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, to apply for it. I've been on it about a year now, and am starting to be able to work a bit. I have my own business, making glass beads. I worry they will find out, even though none of the money goes to me. I use it all to pay the bills my business racked up when I went crazy. I'm just afraid they will say that I am able to work again, even though I know I can't work enough to live on.

Ok, I think I have to stop. I'm feeling guilty, now, for talking about me. I'm quite certain everyone here knows how that is. Thanks so much.


damarisanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:21pm
welcome, sister. it must have been so hard to lose your mom on top of everything--and not having anyone close to talk with. well, we're here...and our hearts and hands(for writing) are always available! i have been having a hard time too--you can read other posts by me from earlier--but i know it must be hard to ween yourself from meds and still try to cope with everything else too. you must be very brave to have lasted this long! i too had abuse in my past, mostly i have been able to resolve that by myself and talking to a few close friends about it. don't have anything else to say right now, but hope to hear from you again.

luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 11:35am
Hi (((akgrlathrt))),

Thanks for the very kind welcome! It's so nice to meet people that I can relate to on a very personal basis. I haven't had a chance to read any of your other posts yet, but I hope things are looking a little better for you.

I see you are an artist too. I'm curious, does your ability to create ever leave you? For about a year and a half, after my mom died, all I could do was make simple things that took no creativity. I'm slowly starting to be able to create again, but some of my physical skill seems to be gone. I'm working on regaining it, but it's very slow. Some days are better than others.

Take care of yourself, and I hope we can chat some more.

peace, love and hugs

damarisanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 5:49pm
Oh, yes, my creative side runs away when I'm super down. It takes a lot of energy to even write a poem or sketch a line or two. My other posts are mostly on the suicide thoughts and feelings board; I go to lots of different boards here. Makes me feel useful to someone else...which helps keep me a little stronger. Had a good cry yesterday on the phone with my sister. She has went through some hard times too and helps me to recognize the good things about myself and why I need to still be here. She reminds me too of how good an artist I am, and how I need to push myself to stay focused and work on my projects instead of staring at them in misery, thinking they mock me. I have nieces and nephews to live for; they are my main motivation when I can't come up with anything else to be proud of. Those kids love me and will need me as they get older, and that's why I have to be here.

I would love to chat more. We can but help each other in this.

Peace and blessings to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 10:39am

Welcome!!


Im glad you found us!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:35pm
Hi (((Caly))),


I would like to see someone other than my psychiatrist, maybe I can get some referrals from the boards?

I think that one of the reasons I'm feeling disatisfied, is I've been seeing him for 5 years, sometimes on a weekly basis. So I've been getting talk thereapy with him. I suppose I feel that he should be giving me more direction, or helping me to explore the past more. But basically we just talk about the here and now, and not even neccesarily about me. I feel like I have to figure out how to get better by myself. But, I also blame myself, because I am not able to trust enough to bring up my past on my own. Perhaps a female therapist would be more helpful. Although the last one I tried didn't show up for the appointment she set with me. That was before I started seeing my psychiatrist.

He does know I'm going off my meds. I'm taking it very slowly, because I don't want to lose the the small measure of functioning that I've achieved. I know that I may not be able to go off them completely, even if that is what I would like. But I don't want to go backwards. If I can help it, I never want to go back there again. And I believe I do have some control over that. I can't alter what other people do, but I can see that I take care of myself the best I'm able.


The thing about companionship, having a partner. Heck, I can't even get a date. I'll meet someone and they are ok, until I mention that I take meds, then they can't leave fast enough, even the ones that are on meds themselves! There is such a stigma attached to having depression. But I'm not about to lie about it, when someone asks. It's like a catch 22. They all say they want someone honest, but when you're honest, they split. *sigh* To misquote Henry Higgins "Why can't a man be more like a woman?". Lol.

Anyway, thanks for writing, and for reading my rambling.

peace, love, & hugs

damarisanne