Please help --- triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Please help --- triggers
8
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 2:17pm
I'm trying to figure out how best to help my fiance. He had a generic form of atavan that he takes to help him sleep nights when he finds that impossible. He was taking lexapro but had been feeling better for several months so he stopped. This is the worst I've seen him - saying things like I deserve better, that he's nothing, and that he is constantly worrying and afraid. We were talking about all the good things in his life which he realizes and appreciates but says it feels like he has to be perfect for everyone - for me, for his son, for his friends, and for his business. He was saying that he doesn't feel good at any of those things because he doesn't give himself fully to any one of them. I'm at a loss as to how to help him. I listen and support him but it doesn't feel like enough. I'm very scared and I hate seeing him this way. He is a very kind, wonderful, supportive person but he can't see himself through my eyes like I wish he could. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 3:48pm
Hi (((jg))),


Have you tried talking to him about going back on his medication? Is he seeing a therapist?

I know several people that have gone off their medications for a time, but needed to go back on them after a while.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure there are other people in here that can offer you much more advice, but that's all I can think of.

peace, love, & hugs

damarisanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 3:59pm
Hi and welcome,

What a wonderful and supportive woman you are. Being on the opposite side..where I know H has to get through my episodes..I applaud you for wanting to be there for him and help him!

I'm not familiar with lexapro or the other generic med he's taking...but...you said he stopped taking his meds..Do you know why? Or what his reasoning was? I say the similar things to my H about I'm not good enough, he deserves better and so on and so forth I'd bet alot of us here kinda have a feel for what's going on with him. I don't presume to know all..but I know that I when I start saying those sort of things is because I'm frustrated, exhausted, have no self esteem, feel like nothing I do is good enough, comparisons to other individuals(in which I always fall short...even though their circumstances are completely different then mine..kwim)

I also have that perfection complex..if everything is not done exactly right then I'm not good..no one will love me or like me..I know that I can't be all to everyone..at least not at the same time logically..but when you are in that state honestly nothing is logical.

As far as suggestions as to what you can do to help.. well I guess I can only state what I would like my H to do and say..such as being patient, just being there to hold me when I'm spiralling downwards, giving me breaks in things I need(f.ex..the kids..I need to get away from them occassionally), making sure I eat& take my meds(although don't be "on my case"..lol..just ask) listening to me and although you may not agree..validating my feelings, outside help..such as therapist/counsler..etc(I have yet to get to that point myself..sigh..but working on it)..understanding that what I'm going though is not "my fault"(which it sounds very much to me that you understand that)..and well I guess just basically be there for him..tell him you love him often, tell him about the good things he does everyday(don't go overkill on it though ..kwim),

Oh geesh I could probably ramble on forever...lol.

Anyways I'm glad you found this board..there seem to be alot of wonderful, kind, understanding and experienced women here(I say this as I'm still new to the board) who could probably give you alot of advise on this situation

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and hope to see you or even your fiance(if you could get him here ;-0) here again!!

~~~Liv

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 4:31pm

Welcome, Jgsparkles!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 5:40pm
Barb, you are the best!

I can't say anything else that hasn't already been said here....this place and other boards here at ivillage have helped me so much in the past few weeks. Maybe you can get your husband to try to come here too....other men are on, so it's not exclusively women. And there has to be male-related depression sites too, right? Just stand by him as much as you can. Love can be the biggest help, even if the person doesn't think they are worthy of receiving it.

luv and hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 9:13pm

Welcome Jgsparkles,


It is always hard when you are the one who has to watch the problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 11:39pm

Just

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 10:27am

OK I guess Im too late to post anything useful ... as Trac has already given you the link for Men with Depression.. *sigh sorry


*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:16pm
A belated thank you for all the advice. He's thinking of going back on his medication but that's as far as we've gotten. Lately though the relationship has been struggling. He blames a lot of it on his depression. Being a small business owner he is under a lot of pressure. I took a full time position several months after having worked for my fiance part time. The transition was difficult and now he's overwhelmed with the business so I am leaving to help him part time once again. He says he's at a point where he has nothing left to give. He feels we're not spending enough time together and we've developed some communnication issues. He wants to deal with all of this. I love him dearly but he says I deserve better. I'm not sure I know the best way to deal with any of this.