why do I always go to the old me........

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
why do I always go to the old me........
7
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:55am


Hi Ladies, I hope that you all had a good weekend...

Mine started out good I left work early that way I could work out get showed and meet my friends out I got ready at my friend Sareens house and we met two of our friends out both visiting from Massachusets we went to grand(for those who remember Jon the guy I hung out with last summer owns the place)(his company is also doing work on the place that I work for the heat and air conditioning so I get a reminder of him everyday...lucky me)

So we go to grand for two drink leave to go see my friends borther at this place called the thirsty turtle stay there for a while then Sareen and I leave go back to grand I go to use the bathroom and who is Sareen talking to JON!!!!I didnt see him at first I didnt recognize him since I hadnt seen him in a few months he and I talked had a drink and then Sareen and I left...I was a little tipsy but not much I called Jon we talked he called me back and I went back to his place WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have been so consumed with this feeling of complete and utter lonliness I am happy yet so sad I hate being alone so I got caught up in the moment and slept with Jon and I now hate myself for falling back into that horrible pattern of getting lonley and then going to these men that dont give a crap about me but in that moment I feel so special but when it ends I feel worse that I originally felt so here I am today obsessing about Jon he makes me nervious to the point that I talk about stupid things I asked him if he wanted to go out with me sometime but I left before he could answer because I know what the answer would be so I went home...and now I have these crazy thoughts in my head....I think that I am obsessed with him ..I dont call him or anythng like that but I cant get him out of my head...I have to drive by his street to get home I have tried to find another way but there isnt one and he knows that I live right by him I could walk to his house from my house...so here I am on monday morning and I just keep kicking myself in the butt for what I did on friday I just cant help it sometimes I get so sad and lonely I have always thought about Jon even though I have not seen him since like november or something I just can not seem to get him out of my head...what is wrong with me...

Oh ya I colored my hair on saturday it took like 2 hours she colored it a light brown kinda golden and put blonde high lights in it kinda like a toupe blonde so it blands with the brown I have gotten alot of compliments saying it brightens my face and things like that I feel better I feel prettier but I kow it wont last...

I am sorry for going on a rant like that I just dont understand myself sometimes why I get these crazy feelings why I get obsessed with someone but not like fatel attraction obsessed I dont do anything but think...I need marnie but I wont see her til wednesday....

Thanks,

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 11:32am

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with needed physical touch, and being wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:17pm
Thanks Trac,

I wish that I could forgive myself for slipping but it just seems like just when I feel that I have things under control I take a slip back sometimes I think I do it on purpose like as if to tell myself that my life isnt under control that I need to mess up to feel okay with my self, kinda like me telling myself you are not worth anything so I go out and prove it....I am my own worst enemy Now for instance I got my hair done it cost me $125.00 plus tip so about 140.00 total to clor my hair so I am beating myself up for spending that kind of money on my hair when I could have baught like 5 spring outfits for myself but no I spent it on my hair at least the clothes will last longer than the color...so not only am I beating myself up over my hair but now over jon..and I am afraid because I get so obsessed with things now I am obsessed with thoughts of jon and I hate it I can not stop thinking I just want my head to be silent for one minute...

I also wanted to think you for showing your support it is nice to know that someone is proud of me my family doesnt know how far I have some they dont know the half of it all only you guys and marnie know the whole story..,but I have slipped in more than just the jon aspect of things I have started to take the diet pills again and now water pills and I am finding new work outs to do I am obsessed with working out it fills my void...

well anyways I am going to try to pick myself up for the rest of the day..or should I say calm myself down..

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2002
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:07pm
Good Afternoon Erin -

Don't ever feel sorry for ranting on sweetie!!! That is why we are all here. To listen and be here for each other!!

God Bless Ya Sister

~Jen~

Anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:58pm
Oh, Erin!

I am sending out all sorts of love and hugs to you. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world. And I know how icky it can be to do something you regret. I guess i don't know the story of Jon, but I do think you deserve better than a one night romance. I have obsessed over guys who didn't really respect me before, it sounds like a similar situation, and I know how painful it can be. All I can say is I will be sending lots of support and strength your way. I hope you feel better soon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:23am
I want to thank Jen, trac and Sara for the support and advice....

I am feeling pretty low right now I cant stop thinking about things that are going on right now and it just seens loike one thing after another..

Thanks again ladies.

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:57am
Dear Erin,

Lot of us have been where you are, and understand! And now you're ruminating about Friday night, the hair coloring bill, etc. It is very painful, no question about it.

I agree with Barbara and others who say forgive yourself! No one here is judging you, and hopefully with a little time, your "slip" will feel like a minor event.

In regard to the hair color, I think you should be very proud that it came out so well! In my mind, it is totally worth the $$$ as a pick-me-up, and I wouldn't regret it for one minute!!

Take care of yourself - enjoy the highlights!

TC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 7:37pm
Hi Erin,

I posted you a message or tried to, but I got an error. Anyway I basically said to be easier on yourself, which I know is a very hard thing to do. I am not good at going easy on myself either. But I think spending money on your new hairstyle was better than clothes! Clothes you only wear once before having to wash them before you can wear them again, your hair is with you everyday! So you can smile at your highlights each day in the morning.

I too find myself obsessing over guys all too often. If you feel it was a mistake to hook up with Jon, then make an agreement with yourself to consider it a mistake and something you don't want to do again, and move on from there. Don't keep worrying yourself over something that happened and can't be undone. And don't be hard on yourself for making a "mistake", if you think it was one. We all do it. It doesn't change us or make us any less important or change the fact that we are good people.

Anyway, take care of yourself. Love your hair and love you.

Jen