Is this Depression?
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| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:52pm |
I have never been what you call a happy person. My world was based on getting by. It's still based on getting by. I function. I have some friends (not many,but enough), a nice job, an apartment. But, I never felt particularly accomplished. I always felt as though there was something better. And I still feel that way. I thought that I was doing something wrong, that I wasmissing something that the rest of society knew about.
About 3 years ago I started taking a low dose of Celexa after telling my GP that I was feeling particularly irritable. And it seemed to take the edge off, but I still didn't feel happy. I felt better, but not changed. But then I didn't really expect to feel better. I thought that whatever was wrong with me, was part of who I was. That my unenthusiasm of life was just part of my personality. I'm still not sure that it isn't.
Then about 2 years ago, I had a life changing moment. What should have been simply a rite of passage, became a week-long bout of utter anxiety. And it sent me into a tailspin. I couldn't explain what was wrong with me.I just felt wrong. I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't explain what my thoughts were or why I was acting the way I was. And nobody could understand me. I decided I needed to see a therapist to find out what was wrong with me.
I thoroughly expected to uncover some horrible act that I buried in my subconscious but there wasn't any. I grew up like any other average child. My family loved me, even if they didn't understandme, and my issues seemed pretty basic. (controlling mother, etc.) Nothing severe, just irritations.
Then I went off my meds. I stopped taking them to see what would happen to me. And I didn't notice anything terribly different. Subtle changes. Weight gain and some low-level depression. But it didn't seem abnormal because I was used to it. Because it was part of my personality. When I mentioned to my shrink that I thought it was possible I could just be a depressed person. She asked me about my medication. When I told her I stopped taking it, she revealed to me that although it might seem normal that I was a depressed person, it was not normal and that in order for therapy to work, I had to work at getting "out of the pit." So, I've made an appointment to get a prescription for stronger medication.
I'm still not sure how I feel about saying I'm depressed. While I can sympathize with others and encourage them that what they have is an illness, I have a hard time believing it in myself. And yet, I know I'm depressed. I know I'm not "normal", I know that medication can help me. But I wonder if it really is part of my personality to behave this way.
I realize this is long. And I'm sure you've all heard it or felt it before. But it would help a lot if you would share your own experiences with me. Even just to make me feel that what I'm feeling isn't wrong.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.

Welcome. I can identify with so much of what you were saying in your post. I too had fairly normal childhood and around college discovered that I was often very down. I had horrible sophomore spring and was put on zoloft. I came off of it after a few months and felt fine, and then a few years later I had a terrible depression and couldn't eat or sleep for 10 days. They put me back on an antidepressent and I was on that for about 2 years. I came off it this past January but just went back on something (effexor this time) because I fell back into the gloom. And deciding to go back on something was so difficult for me. I felt defeated and upset, even though I look at my mother (who suffers from depression) and my friends who do and say it is clearly a chemical imbalance and nothing they can control- a disease like diabetes that they have to take medication for. But it doesn't make it any easier for me in judging myself. I think it comes down to knowing we are strong people and this is beyond our control. If medication can help take the edge off or even better can improve our moods, then why should we be so against taking it? I think it is difficult to get past the stigma we carry about depression and medication for it, but I truly hope and believe that we can work through that. I hope the medication is helpful for you, and like you, I will be trying hard to realize this is something to benefit me and help me be the best person I can be.
Hugs,
Jen
Welcome Pongo26,
Isn't it funny, (funny strange) how we can convice ourselves that this is just the way things are.
Thanks.
Welcome tot he board....
Trac and jen had some very good points and very informative information for you and I totally agree with what they say and find it hard to ad onto it but I am gonna try..
I just started to go to therapy and see a shrink and take meds about a year ago up until then I just thought "this is part of my personality" and like trac said about her daughter being happy is very uncomfortable for me I am not used to it nor do I ever remember being happy but when I got really bad to the pont where my family could no longer be near me and I wanted to die it was then that I realized that I was alone I wa even more miserable I could not work even though I got up and went in every morning it took all I had just to get there and then I would just leave one job with out any notice to start another because my moods go so bad that I couldnt handel it anymore so anyways I have been at my job now for over two years I have been on meds for almost a year and in therapy for over a year now and I still have very low points but not as bad I do not suffer from depression but a form of bi-polar disorder so taking an anti-depressant is out of the question for me because I am very hyper most of the time so my meds have to be looked at carefully to make sure they are not a stimulant but anyways..
What I am trying to say is that when I first went to therapy I hated it I didnt like the fact that there was something wrong with me that I was not normal and that the unhappiness was not part of who I was even though I still dont feel happy most of the time but I do that to myself I sabatoge any chance for me to be happy by doing things to make me very unhappy but anyways I like you dont like to admit that there is something wrong I talk about it I am open about ti but I dont admit it at least not to myself but I need to do that because the only way you and I and anyone else can be happy is to admit that there is something off and we need to work on it because everyone deserves to be happy in life but if you are anything like I am the only way you will be happy is when you are happy with yourself.
I am sorry I made this so long and I am sorry if I went way off topic or if I am not making any sense I have a bad habit of going off all over the place.
I hope that you find all the support that you need here the ladies are so great...please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Take care.
Erin