No More Coping Skills

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
No More Coping Skills
8
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 7:51am
Hi everyone.

What does one do when they are at the end of their tether? It's not that things are hard now, in fact they asre quite easy except for life's normal hiccups, but it's the past, my abusive and neglected childhood, that leaves me with no coping skills for everyday events.

I am a survivor of true child emotional and physical abuse. None of my parents are here anymore. I have no abusive people in my life now. But I still carry such a hatred for those who made a victim out of me. The toughest thing about it is that I love those I hate. I am so mixed up, hating my mother but loving her just the same; hating my father but feeling sorry for his lot as well; hating my abusive ex that I left YEARS ago, but loving him for the (relatively few) good times.

I don't know what hurts more, the fact that these people hurt me so much in outright abusive ways, or the fact that I am still dumb enough to love them and have compassion for them.

As strange as this sounds, sometimes I wish I was one of those psychopaths. Not for the harm they inflict upon others, but for the sheer fact that they don't FEEL ANYTHING.

I feel soooo sensitive to everything. Like a burn on the skin that after years of being healed, that patch of skin is more sensitive than other areas. Only, this is me in my entirety. Sensitive all over, scared witless, and ready to fight or flight at the first sign of discord.

Is this what life is like for those who are depressed? Are we bound to re-visits with depression throughout our lives when things otherwise look just fine? Medication works, I know I'm on it, but that dark monster still creeps up, even in dreams. Is it cureable, I mean, really cureable?

I am sooooo tired. The sad thing is that I'm much too young to be this tired. How the heck can I face another 50 years this way? Does it ever get better, or is the past forever going to show its face in my future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:57am

(((((((((Bbeanz))))))))))))


Welcome to the board! I feel the pain in your post hun and I just want to reach out and hold you and tell you everything will be ok..


That fact that you can feel love for those that hurt you so badly is just telling me what a wonderful caring and awesome person you are! So please dont look at that as negative rather as a special part of you.


And yes the depression may always be a part of you and will look back on your past and sigh, but you CAN battle this and find a way to make it ONLY a Part of your past, NOT your whole future!


You say you are on meds which is wonderful hun! But are you also seeing a Therapist? I think its really really important to have someone to talk these feelings out with.. especially the hate.. Depression is also known as "anger with out the emotion" and what at Therapist can help you is sort thru your feelings and turn that anger around to something more positive.. That is one kind of therapy known as Cognitive Behavior Therapy which worked for me.


I battled Depression for many many years hun but IT DOES GET BETTER!


Im sending you all the support and caring I can!

*hugs             

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:09am
Hi there...wow you and I have a lot in common. I also went through a similar/same history and still dont know what on earth to start with because my coping skills are still where they were a long time ago. Actually I think you do have excellent coping skills because you endured so much and dealt with it, you are a SURVIVOR. You cant be a survivor without coping. However, a therapist made the point that I am at the point where I am still in the same "mode" that I was when I was little, survivor mode for those tragic every day occurances but which arent as effective and are often counter-productive in our lives today.

One of the goals in my life is to learn to love Myself. It is by far one of the most difficult things I have to face every day, but I try and sometimes it works better than others. I remind myself daily that I want to in a sense raise myself again, allow myself to grow and come out of my shell and heal. I want to unlearn and relearn things. I think the only way to achieve this is to show yourself your true love. Take care of yourself, hope this helps and HUGS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:39am
Hello and welcome!

It appears we too have some things in common. I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused for most of my childhood years. I find myself hating the person for what they did but still yearning (for lack of a better word) for their unconditional love.

I was fortunate enough however, to make peace with one man who abused me before he died. My father was the other abuser, and I got to have my say in court over how he effected my life. It did give me back some of the power that had been stripped from me as a child.

While I was in counciling I told my therapist about my missing my abusers and she told me that it was a normal response. We will always be in search of that love we so desperately needed from our abusers. She said it shows that I was compassionate, loving and caring...not numb to my abuse and that was a big part of coping with what happened as a child.

Things will get better and the most important thing I did learn was not to allow yourself to continue to be a victim, but rather a survivor! Having said that, on days when the darks skies are looming overhead I quite often feel like that scared little girl all over again.

I wish you well :)

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:40am

Hi, Michelle!


I agree with the idea of "raising yourself again".

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:20pm
Thank you so much, everyone.

Every single one of your posts made me cry - but a good cry. Also, in every single one of your posts I saw a part of myself. I relate to what each andevery one of you are saying.

I have been to a therapist. It did help a lot to get rid of some of my most debilitating anger. I've actually done a lot of work on myself and it was the most painful thing I've ever been through.

I guess that having compassion and love for my abusers is a good thing, but there is an internal conflict when the anger surfaces. I get angry with myself for loving them, yet get angry at myself for hating them too.

I had closure so-to-speak with my parents. I KNOW they loved me but were very ill-equipped to be parents because of their abuse as children (abuse breeds abuse, I guess). Nonetheless, looking into my mother's eyes before she died and her telling me how much she loved me was all I needed to hear. I told her then that I loved her, and when she asked me if I forgave her for everything that happened, "Yes" came out of my mouth before I has time to form the word in my mind. She dedicated the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" by Cher to me, and I still can't hear the song without crying. In fact, I can't hear the song at all right now.

My Dad the same thing. I know about his childhood, and while he was a loving man, he was so depressed that he self-medicated without the help of a therapist. He died when I was quite young, and I believe that this death can be directly contributed to the way his father was. His father was so abusive and cold. Nothing was ever good enough, and he sent my grandmother into 5 nervous breakdowns, to the point that she lost her voice for 5 years. So, I forgive my Dad for trying to cope as best he could. He NEVER abused me, except that he died and wasn't there when he should have been. When I say "self medicated", I'm sure you will get the idea of what I am alluding to. He was a loving, loving man.

But, the REAL anger comes from the fact that I feel this intense desire to rip apart my ex for his sheer torture of me. He physically abused me somewhat until my family got involved, but his emotional terrorism was extreme. I HATE that man. I've tried the empty chair technique, I've written letter after scathing letter and then stored them. Nothing has worked. People ask me "Why haven't you gotten over it?". I get sooo angry at this, like there is something wrong with me hating him for what he did. I want to get over it, but I daydream about standing in front of him and yelling at him - calling him every name in the book. Telling him how much of a monster I still think he is. I think this is where a huge part of my depression comes from. I feel as though I can't let go and move on until I finish up with him now that I am a survivor, and stronger than I've ever been.

I don't know if this makes sense. But this is so important to me - facing my abuser and FINALLY having my day to tell him how hurtful and evil he was. I want to reduce him, even if it's in my own mind. I have this intense need to lash out at him, direct my anger where it belongs. It's crippling me, but somehow I feel if I were to get this chance, it would be healthy for me.

I could write about this forever, so I'll stop now.

But THANK YOU so much for welcoming me here and sending hugs my way. They realyl work you know! These internet hugs are really felt here. And thanks too for reading my rant, and most of all, for understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:30pm

Hi, Bbeanz!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:57am
No, actually. I never thought about PTSD too seriously, although I've wondered to myself if that is indeed what I have.

Can someone have PTSD with regards to emotional/mental abuse? I suppose they can, huh? I'm sooo nervous posting there though. I'm going to the hospital next Thursday to get assessed because I raised a big stink to my doctor. Hopefully their staff can help me sort out what it is that I have.

Come to think of it, I have triggers EVERY SINGLE DAY about that SOB, which is something a lot of people suffering from PTSD experience. Everything from songs, certain perfumes or colognes, movies that were out then, and even things that he used to say will pop into my mind without me even thinking about him. It gets so bad that every now and again I'll start banging the side of my head saying "**** off! Get out of my head!". Try doing that while driving and see how other motorists look at you. Thank heavens for tinted windows - my best investment this year.

I'm going to do some research on the net tonight about this. It's not as though I'm pining over HIM, it's just that I am pining over the person I was before I got involved with the monster, and then pining over my intense desire for retribution - but then if I think I might bump into him somewhere, I get scared - like vomiting/nauseous scared. I feel like he murdered the most outgoing and funloving part of me.

Thanks for suggesting this, and no, I won't stop posting here. This gives me another avenue to look at.

Hugs,

Bbeanz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:16pm

Bbeanz, you said something I could really identify with.

AcornLeaves