my life cant get any worse
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my life cant get any worse
| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:44am |
I want to appoligize for not replying to many posts this week there really is no excuse and I am sorry....
Well like the title to my heading for this post my life is in the can right now to be perfectly honest there really is not much more out there for me..there is this song by this group evanessance called my immortal there is one part hat says I am so tired of being here,trapped by all my childhood fear that is me right now I am just tired....
My sister came to my house last night to pick up my neice Hannah, she came into my room and closed the door I am thinking okay she wants to talk since I was just talking about it in therapy I thought maybe she read my mind she tells me she knows about what happened between Luis and I part of me is glad that she knows so she tells me how I betrayed her how dare I preach to her about the relationsip between her and luis how dare I go against blood she tells me that I am not allowed anywhere near Hannah she never wants to see me again Ect.....
I deserved it I deserved all those words all the hate I deserved it all but it does hurt I know I did wrong by her.
So I did this all to myself I know that I am now truley alone in this world and I deserve it , I have no one and I deserve it I do not deserve to breath the air I do not deserve to smile or to laugh I do not deserve life I already am killing myself slowley with the diet pills I have already messed up my life beyond repair....
I am sorry but after these past few months I just have nothing left inside of me no feeling no hope no life I am numb again but I deserve that also I am a worthless piece of crap my sister did not deserve this I am a monster and please do not try to tell me otherwise you all have not been effected by the things I have done I have not betrayed you all like I have betrayed my friends and family.....
there is nothing more left I guess I did what I set out to do and that was to be alone now I am alone.
Erin
Well like the title to my heading for this post my life is in the can right now to be perfectly honest there really is not much more out there for me..there is this song by this group evanessance called my immortal there is one part hat says I am so tired of being here,trapped by all my childhood fear that is me right now I am just tired....
My sister came to my house last night to pick up my neice Hannah, she came into my room and closed the door I am thinking okay she wants to talk since I was just talking about it in therapy I thought maybe she read my mind she tells me she knows about what happened between Luis and I part of me is glad that she knows so she tells me how I betrayed her how dare I preach to her about the relationsip between her and luis how dare I go against blood she tells me that I am not allowed anywhere near Hannah she never wants to see me again Ect.....
I deserved it I deserved all those words all the hate I deserved it all but it does hurt I know I did wrong by her.
So I did this all to myself I know that I am now truley alone in this world and I deserve it , I have no one and I deserve it I do not deserve to breath the air I do not deserve to smile or to laugh I do not deserve life I already am killing myself slowley with the diet pills I have already messed up my life beyond repair....
I am sorry but after these past few months I just have nothing left inside of me no feeling no hope no life I am numb again but I deserve that also I am a worthless piece of crap my sister did not deserve this I am a monster and please do not try to tell me otherwise you all have not been effected by the things I have done I have not betrayed you all like I have betrayed my friends and family.....
there is nothing more left I guess I did what I set out to do and that was to be alone now I am alone.
Erin

Erin, honey, we are all right here with you.
Thanks but things wont change I betrayed my sister
I am alone there is no one left here for me everything that I touch gets ruined and I do it myself
I see marnie next week and I dont want to burden her I deserve all of this I am not a good person, I am a monster
thanks barb...
Whatever it is, I can tell you are a very emotionally scarred person (I know what thats like). I learned that to get over childhood trauma (very very slowly unfortunately) is to show yourself some love. Seriously its like the hardest thing Ive ever done buteach day I try to remind myself to treat myself a bit better than I normally would.
You dont need to kill yourself slowly. I know there is so much out there waiting for you. Please take care ok. Im sure you dont deserve any of what you are going through. Please Please keep posting, talk to youre therapist and surround yourself by nice things like a nice bath and funny cartoons, fresh air and buy yourself a balloon or some stickers. HUGS take care and all the best.
Sweetie, I know things look very bleak right now.
Let me tell you, I have done bad things in the past. I've done far more of them than I would ever tell the people on this board. I heard a saying a long time ago:
"There is no saint without a past, or sinner without a future."
You made a mistake, Erin. It was a long time ago. You have come so far since then. Back then male attention was one of the areas that gave you at least a momentary sense of worth. And also, at the time Luis and your sister were not a serious couple. They were not boyfriend and girlfriend. He was more like her roommate that she slept with. When they became more serious, you stopped sleeping with him. It wasn't a good thing, but it does not make you a horrible worthless person. In fact, it is a big part of what put you on the path to taking control of your life. You set boundaries with Luis even when he was pushing and pushing to get you to keep sleeping with him.
I can't believe that Luis told her what happened. If she isn't blaming him at least as much as she's blaming you, then she is seriously deluded about this guy. He may have told her that to keep her away from you. She is using Hannah against you to punish you and to gain a sense of control over her life that she has lost.
I know what's it's like to feel guilt and shame about something or things you have done. It is hard to forgive ourselves for bad mistakes. I still have a hard time doing that. The best that we can do is to learn from our mistakes. Making them helps us to have compassion for other people's mistakes.
You have come so far, Erin. That mistake helped to change you into a better, stronger person. I know that your sister's discovery has caused you to feel the guilt in a new and different way. I know that it is terrible to face losing contact with your niece. However, give it time. Your sister is enraged right now. Keep taking care of yourself the way you have been doing these past few months. Talk to your therapist, let your pain out by crying and screaming in your car when you drive down the freeway. But remember that you aren't that person who slept with Luis anymore. Let the pain that's come from this situation propel you forward to continue the healing you've been doing these last few months.
We are here for you.
All My Love,
MariaC
Edited 4/29/2004 10:25 pm ET ET by cal70
((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))
Holding you close in my heart... I know you can get thru this hun!
*hugs
Erin,
I been though what you are going though, but I recome dont think that way because horrible if you do.