Maybe it's me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Maybe it's me...
5
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:40pm
I'm not sure. Two days ago I thought, yes, I definitely have some form of depression and that I have probably been depressed since I was around 11/12. It certainly explained a lot of things about me. Having trouble making friends, my lack of experience dating, my performance anxiety when I took my road test (had to take it 4 times!), my fear of confrontation and needing everyone to like me. The 2 unexplained panic attacks in college that I had while I was sleeping. Freaking out whenever I had a physical connection with a man. (and when I say freaking out, I mean, no holds barred, nausea, crying, exhaustion.... I'm thinking anxiety attack) And with the fact that my childhood was pretty basic without abuse, there isn't really an explanation as to why I was/am the way I am.

But today, I'm wondering if maybe it is just me. I've been reading a lot of posts and visiting a lot of boards and I see people who think about suicide as their only option and my heart goes out to them. But I think, well that's not me. I'm just not happy. I never considered suicide as a way out, I don't hurt myself. I'm just lonely and sad. And yet, I do a very good job at covering it up.

Granted a large part of me wondering all this, is because I made an appt. to see a psychiatrist for medication (at my therapist suggestion--who hasn't really bluntly said that I'm depressed) And there's some complication with my health plan and referrals and all that and I have to get it solved before Wednesday and I'm not in a very good place to discuss anti-depressants, and therapists and psychiatrists since everyone at work could hear me.

And then I wonder, if I really am depressed, how come no one noticed it? And if they did notice it, how come no one told me?! I talked to my cousin the other day and told her about all of these issues and how I thought I might be depressed and she gave me this answer that made it seem that she knew already. And I thought, how arrogant that you suggest you already knew and yet never told me you were concerned. (and we're close!)

I'm worried that with medication I will be happier and will realize that I've lost 15 years. And I'm worried that I won't need medication and that this is just the way I am.

And I'm worried that the medication won't work if I need it. And I'm just worried to the point where I can't concentrate, I've stopped examining the different possibilities, but it's like I've fried my brain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:30pm
I think it is totally natural to be questioning if you are depressed or not. I think it is worth seeing the psychiatrist and seeing if the medication helps.

One thing I'd really like to say- you can't judge your depression against others. I have never thought about suicide either, but I still consider myself someone who suffers from depression. I also hide it well and hardly any of my friends really know that this is something I battle with.

It's normal to worry about medications- I still worry and I've been on them before this time. But you can't know what will happen until you try the medication, and I doubt that you will ever consider 15 years of your life a waste. If the medication works, you will just feel relieved and happy that it will not be so difficult to feel happy or content.

Hope it helps anyway! Hang in there and good luck with your appointment.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:13pm

Pongo, there is more than one kind of depression.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:48pm

Pongo,


I rember those times, but always had sucide on my mind.

~Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:20pm
You are lucky you caught it as early as you did... I'm happy for you, but that doesn't make me feel much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:30pm

Pongo,


Thank you.

~Jessica