Strange new day...feeling pretty "up"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Strange new day...feeling pretty "up"
3
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:47pm
Just wanted to stop by and say (very cautiously) that I've been feeling pretty decent this week. I've only worked half-days, so I've gotten about 10 hours of sleep a day usually, and unfortunately (for my future in med school or in a job) it seems like I need it...my mood has been much better lately.

But my eating habits haven't been so good...and today for some reason, my therapist spent the whole session with me discussing them. I went into the session feeling pretty up, but as she talked to me (about my possibly using under-eating and over-exercising as a distraction from my depression and other problems, for instance), I did start to come back down (to reality, maybe? Hopefully not.)

Generally I would think that a therapist shouldn't make you feel worse...but in this case, I think it was probably useful that she pointed out maybe one reason why I've been feeling better. And she also suggested that I've been so sleepy because I haven't been eating enough...which is hard for me to swallow, but I know that it's a possibility. I also know that there will be no way that I'll be able to sleep this much in med school, so I guess I have to get my eating a little more on track (which is even harder now because I'm stressed and my stomach has been getting upset). I've been avoiding thoughts about the issue, but I did post on the Eating Disorders board for advice.

Oops, didn't mean for this to get long...but I just got off the phone with a doctor at my future med school, the guy in charge of the research project I'll be working on this summer...and it all sounds really cool, the research and the people. I'd just been thinking about how I have always enjoyed solving puzzles and watching detective shows, and he compared this particular project to detective work. I'll probably end up doing a good bit of paper-pushing, but still...

I haven't felt this decent in a long time...it's lasted a few days so far...and I am almost afraid to say that because of the fear that once I do, things will turn really bad again. I'm trying to just enjoy the moment, but it is hard. I record my daily mood level for therapy, and my suicidal thinking has gone from a 7 or so out of 10 (as recently as this past weekend) to about a 2 or less...and I don't think it's been less than a 4 ever, throughout this entire year I've spent in therapy.

And maybe now I am just in a hunger and sleepiness-induced state of excitement (which is unfortunate because it's already past my bedtime!)...I imagine that this is kind of what being drunk feels like (although I've never even gotten tipsy before)...or maybe it's just contentment, which feels very foreign to me?

I have to admit that I am a bit worried that this will turn out to be yet another major mood swing of mine...I've been feeling increasingly "up" these past few days...the crash down from that wouldn't be good, and it might be evidence that I could be bipolar. And strangely enough, I feel almost guilty not being depressed...well, I did cry a good bit during therapy today, as usual...I'm not sure why this is, maybe the feeling that I don't deserve any small bit of happiness, or maybe I just like being cynical and pessimistic?!

Anyway, that was more than enough posting for one night, sorry...hope you all are doing well, and maybe I will keep feeling this way...although it is so odd for me that I'm kind of suspicious of my own mood right now, if that makes sense!

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:11am

Rose So glad you are having a good day!


From what you said though I did wonder a bit myself if you may be bipolar and if so you may want to talk to your doctor because the treatment for that is slightly different.. but it you did find out you were then at least you would know and could begin to focus on that..

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 2:36pm
Thanks, Caly...I know it's taken me a day or so to reply to you, so I'm sorry...I'm not quite sure how my mood is right now, but I guess I'm calmer than I was...so maybe it was just a "false alarm."

I would like to talk to a doctor about it sometime, but unfortunately my mental health insurance ran out early this year, and I can't afford to see a psychiatrist...I have seen several general practictioners, but they say my case is either "too complicated" (because I have been on pretty much all the antidepressants out there), or that I might need a mood stabilizer, which would need to be prescribed by a psychiatrist. So I'm kind of stuck for now, I guess.

If I do make it to med school, though, maybe I'd have access to a psychiatrist there...but I'm not so sure about trying new meds while dealing with med school. And it's hard to explain...but my recent time of being "up" has made me aware of how socially awkward and isolated I've become while down...and I feel like I must be kidding myself to think about becoming a doctor.

Already I am going up to look for an apartment in the new city soon, and the doctor I will be working for (on a research project) hosts med students often and offered to let me stay at his house for a few days. My mom has said that it would be almost rude to turn him down, and I agree...but I feel like staying with him will give away how much of a loner I am, how much I dislike having to talk to people...besides the whole "eating issue"...I would be eating with him and his family, and because of my odd eating habits I now can't even manage to eat a full meal at a time. I know it's only a matter of time before this guy figures out how strange I am...which saddens me...but I guess I want to put that off as long as possible!

OK, well, thinking about it, I guess I'm probably on my way down, mood-wise...and I think an "up" period has to last at least 2 weeks for a diagnosis of bipolar. Still, ironically enough, it seems like my "happy" time may make my depression even worse...I had so much energy and wanted to be social, but since I have isolated myself so much during my depression, I don't have a single friend or even an acquaintance I could call up.

And as much as I wish med school could be a fresh start for me, I know that I will be bringing my own problems and personality with me...and I just don't know how I can face the prospect of one more failure, one more time of being the "odd one out"...besides, who wants a doctor who is very uncomfortable even talking to people? Because of how I've shaped my personality and habits (and because I am so stubborn that it seems impossible to change them), I feel like I have sentenced myself to a lifetime of isolation, and ultimately depression.

Hmmm...maybe I am depressed again...sorry for that vent! I just don't know what's going on with me these days...I just want to go back to sleep for the day, or for longer...

Thanks for listening,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:32pm

Rose, after all my years on earth =) I have come to believe that our characteristics are actually neutral.

AcornLeaves