Sick of being depressed!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sick of being depressed!!!!!
6
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:22am
Hi everyone - guess I should start out with my "story." I was married to my high school sweetheart at 18 yrs old just five weeks after I had our first child. Within a few short years we had several children, and in 1994 when our fourth was six months old my dh convinced me to go to college. At the time we were a homeschooling family, vegetarians, I was the Suzy Homemaker mom, and I thought we were so happy. I know I was. Life couldn't have been better!!! I had two more children while in college and then in 1999 graduated. Life was a little rough during the time I was in school because it was hard taking care of so many little ones, homeschooling, and going to school myself, but again I was very happy, and dh presented the same attitude. Then a few months after graduation I found out I was pregnant yet again. At the time dh went from happy to angry about the pregnancy, but mind you we weren't using birth control so it shouldn't have been a surprise. I lost that baby in April. Then dh started waivering between how I had to get pregnant again and how he didn't want a baby. He couldn't make up his mind, and in the end I ended up pregnant by June. I thought life was good. I graduated and decided to take some time to stay home with my family - thought we could spend more time together as a family. We were doing a lot of stuff together and although I was really sick with the pregnancy I thought we were happy. Then in September I discovered through a long chain of events that my husband was having an affair. I was shocked, devastated, and just plain didn't understand. At that point the affair had been going on for almost a year and a half - give or take a few months. He was sleeping with his co-worker on their lunch breaks. He swore it was over and came home. I couldn't handle homeschooling so I instantly put my children into school. My oldest started school for the first time in the 7th grade. I went to see a therapist who told my I had to forgive as it was God's way. Never went back there again, and then saw another who diagnosed me with post traumatic stress. I didn't believe her because after all PTSD was for people who went to war - right? So after a few visits I stopped going, of course now I know she was probably right.

Then over the next nine months about every three weeks or so I would find out he was still with her. She would call me and torture me during the middle of the night (they worked third shift). She would show up at my door, he would let her in, so we could "talk." It was pure torture, and honestly I don't know if I will ever get over the torture the two of them instilled on me. In December of the year I found out I couldn't take it anymore so when I was six months pregnant I filed for a divorce. My husband knew this was coming, but the night he was served with the papers he went nuts. He ended up hitting me in the stomach (at six months pregnant) and then held me down on my stomach. My son who at the time was almost ten years old woke up and walked in on this and ran to his dad to get him off of me - he hit our son across the face with his shoe, and I yelled for him to go to bed. In the scuffle I manage to call 911 and have him arrested while I was taken to the hospital in labor (now my husband was NEVER a violent man before all of this and he loved us dearly, but something inside of him snapped and he swore he couldn't live without his family). Anyhow, they stopped my labor, dh was forced to go into therapy as a batterer, and begged me to take him back swearing he saw the error of his ways. Now like I said earlier he continued cheating for nine months after I found out, so at this point it was 3 months into it. Anyhow three weeks later he again left his family and went back to this woman. He again swore it was over and he was so sorry. This time when he came home all seemed well and we seemed to be on the road to recovery. I had my baby, but in my mind things still weren't right and the entire time I was plagued with depression and panic attacks. When my baby was two weeks old I again found out he was cheating and the cycle began again. When my baby was two months old and on my 30 birthday my husband tossed me a few presents and walked out on us. He called hours later saying he was never coming home again, would see the kids, but didn't want the marriage anymore. At this point I was finally done and said I didn't care. He was shocked that I didn't beg him to come home, etc.

I spent that weekend with him calling every half hour or so trying to see how I was doing and me telling him I was done and didn't have time for his games. Sunday morning I woke up bright and early and went to the store and bought 8 rose bushes and planted them. Now anyone that knows me knows I hate dirt, and would NEVER do this, but I was done with the marriage and knew the only way to get those rose bushes planted was if I did it, so I did. My husband came home later that day and upon driving in realized I was really done - that he lost and that was it. He came in and I didn't care whether he was there or not - just continued on my day. He again begged forgiveness to which I just didn't care. This time he was serious though and did dump her for fear of really losing me. This began a long healing process where he worked hard to win me back.

In November of 2001 I became so depressed and didn't really even realize what I was doing, but started to wean my daughter, and sad to say was planning the end of my life as I couldn't take the depression anymore and the memories of what my dh did to me and our family. We had the perfect family and his only excuse was that he wanted to see whether the grass was greener on the other side having no responsibilities. Thankfully my mother and dh saw what was going on and forced me to see my doctor who didn't believe me because I always presented such a composed and happy presence. They then forced me to see my ob/gyn who believed me.

Now fast forward to 3 1/2 yrs later. I am still fighting depression even though my life couldn't be better. I went back to college, got my master's degree, have really great kids, have two really great businesses that I started, but am still plagued by depression. I am on Wellbutrin currently, but still constantly have the visions and thoughts in my head. Thankfully during the times I am working all of that is under control and sadly that is the only time I am truly happy.

Upon waking in the morning I am riddled with depression and thoughts - I can see them together in my head, and at night when I have nothing to do it happens too. Nights are the worst though when I can't sleep as he still works with this woman and my heart is still broken even though he is doing everything right and everything he can to prove his love and fidelity to me now.

Outside I present this happy person who has the perfect life - only my dh has a small glimpse of how I feel inside, and by small I mean small, but inside I am torn up. I am depressed and hurting almost always unless I am super busy like when I am working. I think that is why I liked going back to school so much - the workload was heavy and therefore kept me from thinking.

So that is my story (btw - please don't send me to the overcoming affair boards as I am the cl there and this isn't really about the affair anymore it is about me being depressed).

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:57am
You are a stronger woman than I. May God bless you. Take care. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:21pm

Welcome, Chelle!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:26pm

WOW, Chelle.

~Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 7:05pm
Thanks ladies, and to answer your question no I am not in therapy. I haven't been since the end of 2000. Honestly I just do not have time. I know that sounds like a lame excuse and that I should be in therapy and should make time for "me", but up until just a few weeks ago I was swamped. I work from 7 a.m. until 5 p.m. - 5:30 p.m. every single week night, and then after that I am super involved with my kids and all their events (my girls dance Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturdays).

I have seriously been thinking about going to see a therapist now that I am finished with school, but it just doesn't seem like an easy task finding someone that I want to go to. I am very reluctant because of the first therapist I went to go see - don't think I could handle someone again telling me that I need to forgive my husband because that is what God would want me to do and it is my wifely duty. It isn't that easy to forgive and especially forget.

Right now my main focus is on the vacation that we will be leaving for this coming Friday (we are taking all of our kids and going on a cruise - I can't wait and neither can they - we are doing it to reconnect as a family after such a long haul in me going to school - it was a rough two years, but I made it).

Anyhow, thanks for the welcome, and I hope to get to know all of you better.

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 8:46pm

Chelle, I can't believe that therapist had the nerve to say that!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 7:37am
Oh know I didn't feel "pushed" because the truth is I have been considering it for a long time. Before my obstacle was school, but now that is behind me and there really are no obstacles other than me holding me back from seeking therapy. '

As for that therapist - yes it was a Catholic place which I thought would be comforting to me, but found that it wasn't. My doctor has given me a referral to some therapists saying he has referred lots of people to them and has never had complaints. There are several people within the practice so he said there are many to choose from.

Chelle -
"This too shall pass"and "No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will NEVER make you cry."


Mommy with enough love in her heart for her seven kidlets, dh, and then some :o)