Is this Depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Is this Depression?
1
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:00pm
Ever since I can remember, I've been the type of person who has never approached anyone in friendship, avoids as many social occasions as possible, and who feels inadequate in the areas of career and social life. I feel I have nothing to share with anyone, and since I am currently unemployed, I feel more down than ever. I feel my identity is based largely upon my work, which is one of service-oriented in nature. I like feeling needed, and recognized for that. I generally don't like being the center of attention, but at the same time, I like it when my talents are noticed. Growing up, I felt more of a nuisance to my parents than their daughter. I could never figure out why my parents had 5 children when they never wanted to have anything to do with us. Both of them worked, and none of us ever felt we could go to them for support or help with anything. I moved out when I was 24, to a new state, and lived with my friends until they asked me when I was going to find a place of my own. With that, I had a succession of apartments and roommates, and never really sustained long-lasting friendships. I met my husband online, and moved to yet another state (all on the East Coast). I was terribly depressed when I first moved here, and cried more than I ever have in my life. I finally got a job I liked, and tried to make friends there, but again, I was reserved, and never opened myself up to friendships. Here it is, almost 4 years later living in this state, and I can't say that I have one friend here. Even the friends I used to have, who live far away, I can't bring to contact because I feel my life is so empty. The only thing I look forward to is sleep, and the potential for dreams. I don't even enjoy eating as much as I used to (though I am overweight), and I find I have to force myself to get through the days. I watch television, and sometimes have the energy to go to the gym or play tennis, or go biking with my husband. I would like to get involved with volunteer activities, but have yet to do so. I also feel so irritated all the time, I can barely talk to my husband sometimes, because he has the answer to everything that is wrong with me. I am almost 40 years old, do not have a formal degree, have no close friendships, nobody to really talk to, and I'm afraid that if this feeling gets worse I don't know what I will do. I have 4 siblings I rarely speak to, and my parents are still the same distanced, unemotional people I knew growing up. I just feel like "What is the point?" to doing anything, so I do nothing. I wish someone would come to my house and rescue me from this feeling and this empty life.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 5:34pm

Welcome to our board itchick,


Can I make an educated guess and wonder if your user id means you are into computers?