Feel doomed by my own personality
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| Sun, 05-02-2004 - 3:44pm |
Even when I stay in my bedroom, I encounter more evidence that my personality isn't going to be a positive thing, even in med school. For a long time now, I've been posting on a pre-med forum online...mainly in a part of the forum where people just post for fun. I thought I was avoiding any mention of my depression or other problems, but apparently it's been pretty obvious...here's a part of a response that I got, supposedly describing me:
"hypochondriac, obviously.
super low self-esteem, always begging for reassurance. yes, i see the possible irony of lambasting someone whose self-esteem is ****. but i posted once before that people who sap sympathy from others when they dont really need it are freakin douchebags.
man, you people make medicine worse, and are exactly the kind of future colleagues i dont need."
Now I know anybody reading that would probably say it was harsh and uncalled-for (and I hope I didn't violate the TOS by posting that quote)...but the sad part is, it's true, as are some other things this guy posted about "people like me." For one, the way that we are just followers who go into medicine for the wrong reasons (because it is the prestigious thing to do)...and just recently I realized that it would probably be more helpful (and possibly enjoyable) for me to focus on health care for immigrants or people in poorer areas...but of course I didn't realize this before my interview for a scholarship...so I will end up having huge loans to pay off after med school and wouldn't be able to do all volunteer work like that.
Honestly I absolutely despise myself at this point. I even told my mom that I knew people at the med school would quickly realize they don't like me...and her response was that "if you expect them to like you, they will...but if you don't, they won't." And right now I have a strong sense that the more people get to know me, the less they end up liking me. I have what seems like overwhelming evidence for that...at work, on several different forums online, with my roommates, everywhere I turn.
And I know it would probably be better if I could stop reacting so strongly to other people's opinions of me...just yesterday, I felt very self-destructive after reading that one post I wrote about above...but later that day, I felt perfectly fine after a silly online chat...and now I am feeling extremely down again after more posts about how I am going into medicine for the wrong reasons.
It is pretty apparent to me too that I should get out more and maybe stay away from this online pre-med forum for a while...unfortunately, though, similar things seem to happen to me in the "real" world...and as I wrote earlier, I don't have a single friend or close acquaintance here, although I've spent about 4 years living and going to school in this town, a problem that I realize is completely my fault.
On a somewhat relevant note, I have had such a wide range of emotions lately that I have begun to question whether I am even depressed...it seems like I'm probably not bipolar, either. I think there's a strong possibility that it is just "me," my personality and everything about me, that causes me to have difficulty...and that I just over-react to other people's (accurate) opinions of me. Sorry, I'm having trouble clarifying this in my own mind, so it probably isn't coming out too clearly, either.
And Barb, I'm trying to think about your comment that our characteristics are essentially neutral...and I can see that my introverted-ness might fit that category...but it is difficult to see other parts of my personality as having the possibility of being positive.
Oh well, it is late afternoon already and I haven't even left my apartment...and I have no motivation to do anything at all. Yesterday I was having all these strange ideas about ways to get rid of myself without actually having to do it...like speeding in my car, getting a cop to pull me over, and then begging him, or forcing him, to shoot me (sorry for that). I know I need to get a grip...but I feel like I'm losing it somewhat...I've even been angry at my mom (although I haven't said anything to her) for giving birth to me...how crazy is that?!
I guess I just feel like a lot of my personality is so ingrained in me (and possibly partly genetic, since my mom also has a lot of anxiety and some obsessive-compulsive tendencies), that it is impossible to change. I've tried so hard to change in the past...but the "true" me always seemed to come through...and as much as I practiced, I still always felt like I was acting.
OK, enough rambling for today, sorry again about the length and general disturbing-ness of this post...hope you are having a better day than I...
Rose

I get to feeling this same way. I wonder if I can ever have real friends. The one saving grace these last few years is being with my dh, who is my best friend and really loves me. He doesn't have close friends besides me. He says that most people aren't trustworthy to be friends with.
What you need to realize, Rose, is that everyone in this world is messed up. It's not just you, or me. When I read what that guy I wrote on that forum, I felt so sad for his future patients. I don't know what his "right reasons" are for going into medicine, but compassion for people in pain is clearly not one of them. My brother is a doctor. He didn't even make it into med school the first time he applied, so he got his masters degree at the school where he wanted to go to med school, then he reapplied to the med school with recommendations from their own teachers. That's how he finally got in. My point is that he didn't even get right into medical school the first time he tried, like you did!
Clearly, if you want to help people when you get into medicine, then you are doing it for more caring reasons than almost everyone who goes to medical school. Stop beating yourself up over right and wrong. Don't let mean people decide your worth! Do you really think you are a worse person than someone who attacks others on a message board? Would you ever do that to someone, Rose? Of course you wouldn't. That makes you a kinder, more caring person than the person who thinks he is the paragon of med school candidates.
I hope that doesn't violate the rules. However, since we don't even know what board that is on or who it is, it shouldn't. He shouldn't be able to harass you without us being able to point out the nastiness of such an attack.
When you are depressed everything looks that negative. I'm sorry, but I can't remember if you are in therapy. Therapy really helps to deal with the negative ideation. I think it can be changed with therapy and practice. The negativity isn't the real you, even though it feels all-consuming. I know because I've had many times without it. Depression is a disease. When you are a doctor, you will have tremendous compassion for people in pain, both physical and mental. I've thought that since I first read your posts on this board. You know what a debilitating disease is like. You won't dismiss patients because you think they're "complainers." Any doctor who does is a disservice to the profession. I've had a few doctors like that in the past. Now I have an amazing female doctor. She has made a huge difference in my life.
Take Care,
MariaC
I think you are a lovely human who is searching for the right path. That makes you a perfect candidate to care for other humans.
Tell people who are so pretentious and who look down like that to kiss your assets and liabilities *wink* if you get my drift.
I am glad that you are a member of this community. I am further glad that you plan to join the medical community. We need more caring woman doctors.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Maria C and Lisa,
Totally agree what with both of you said to Rose.
Rose,
Did you ever consider going into nursing or you always consider been a doctor.