am I ever going to be okay??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
am I ever going to be okay??????
3
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:47am
I am here it is monday morning and I am at work but not reall here at all..my mind decided to stay home while my body got up got showered and went to work....

I have to go to my pcp today I have had a constant headache for almost three weeks now it is only on the left side of my head right on top it goes away for 30 minutes and then comes back and it is driving me crazy so I called the doctor and he is taking me in today..

I went out with my best friend on saturday night it was okay ran into my neices father and his friends we hung out daced talked it was nice also saw Jon Sareen wanted to go to Grand Which is the bar jon owns I didnt talk to him and avaoided him almost the whole time I was there until I turned around to see if a table was opened and there he was walking around with some blonde you know the fake blonde type with a really bad fat=ke tan and I got upset sad dont know why but I did...after about 4 vodkas there and two more at this place called hula hanks I called him he didnt answer and I left a message.

And then this morning I get to work and find out that one of the guys who is working on our heating and air conditioning well this guy was drunk and he took out 5 of our cars and it just so happens that this guy works for Jon you see jon also owns a heating and cooling company also.....

So here I am on manday morning not wanting to do anything yeterday I didnt leave my bedroom..

My best friend made a comment to me the other day and it is so true we were eating breakfast and she sys you know Erin you complain about everything and she is right I am so unhappy with life with myself I told her I hide from the world I sit and complain about being alone but I do not put myself out there too much of a risk why should I risk being hurt....why am I so afraid to live I used to be full of life I used to have friends boyfriends I was never single I always had someone now I am alone afraid sad hurt angry ugly fat worthless piece of garbage...

Erin


Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:07am
Hi Erin. I know what you mean about wanting to hide away from the world and life never seeming to be ok. I complain always too. So, if you used to be full of life, how did that change? When did it change, and why?

Being single is probably a good thing. I wished I waited longer to get involved with someone because I actually needed that time to find myself but instead I got involved and now finding myself feels almost impossible because there is someone else to think about. I hope that doesnt sound selfish.

Take it one day at a time. From your post, it sounds like you know a lot of ppl and have a lot of friends. You also seem like a really nice person, and Im sure your not fat or ugly or any of those things.

Are you on medication? Maybe some anti-depressants can help you to deal with what you are going through. All the best, take care and HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:52pm
Hi dreamy,

I am on medication I take neurontin right now and I see a therapist once a week and my shrink once a month....

I really can not tell you what heppened I guess I happened after my ex boyfried and I broke up (he is my sons father) I just lost it I lost touch with life I shut down made bad choices and that has been my life for 5 years now I am afraid that people will see me for who I am and not like me so I hide away from the world in hopes that I will reappear as something different someone better....I am going thru the process of changing my looks hair clor ect...that way I wont be recognized and maybe feel better about me..

I dont know if anti depressants would help me at all I was told they can actually make me manic so I take a mood stabilizer...I am cyclthymic which is a farm of bi-polar disorder but less severe but chronic I have aI guess rapid cycles with my moods they change very fast and with out warning...

But anyways I just wanted to thank you for your reply to my post...

You are such a sweetheart.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:40am
Sorry it's taken me forever to actually respond to your post. You know, I ask myself that same question every day. I never know for certain when that great looked-for answer is going to come...I guess that's why I'm still here waiting for the miracle to come. Actually, suddenly I'm feeling more down than I have all day. I've been mad at the world again--it is best for me too to stay away from the world when I'm like this, and depressed to boot. I hate taking out my troubles on anyone else--but it seems like everyone else's troubles are making me mad, mostly at my lack of control of things that happen to my family. And I'm not a control freak, I just get angry at being helpless to help them--financially or emotionally. So I come here, and befriend complete strangers that at least can say "me too". :) I don't know if any of us will be ok...BUT we can try!

Blessings to you; look to the sky. The moon is full for us to see the beauty in life.

hugs and hand holding