Snap Judgements.....**TRIGGERS**

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Snap Judgements.....**TRIGGERS**
10
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:16am
I wish I could change me. I wish in fact that I wasn't me. I don't understand what or who I am. I know that other people cannot possibly think on the same wave length that I do. I find myself in an ok place one minute and then the next without one ounce of regret or one second of contemplation I realize that I have made the decision to end it all. I don't feel scared or upset or remorseful about that choice. The same thing happened the night that I OD'd and came thisclose to ending my life. I had a great day. When I got home though I decided that I didn't want to live anymore. I wasn't depressed. The were no *warning signs*. I just didn't want to live anymore. I very calmly wrote a matter of fact letter stating who should be called and in what order and my wishes for what would become of my remains. I felt at peace with myself and the knowledge that I would soon be a what-was instead of a what-is.

I am afraid in a sense. I am afraid for my children. I am afraid that they will wake up one day to find that their mother will never again hold them or tell them she loves them. I am afraid to know that I have such a disconnected sense of reality that my thoughts can change so drastically in a split second. I am afraid that no one will ever be able to help me. I am afraid that this is who I am.

Saturday was one of those days. I just desided that I was no longer interested in living. Had it not be for the fact that the kids were here I would have taken my life. Not for any reason persay. There weren't any causes or blow-ups. In my mind I think I have to get through Mothers Day. I have to give that to my kids. I have to help Neal get the house done. I have things that need my attention and when they are done I can be free again. In the meantime I laugh and I have a good time but I have my own comfort in that place and side of me that only I know is there. I do not have all the answers but I have all of my answers.

Why do I have to be me?

~Christy~

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Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 8:58pm
Hey, it's me again! Oh Christy, I only wish you could be inside my head. I feel like I'm inside yours. I feel the same way. One minute I'm fine and the next - well, you know! But it sounds like to me that you keep making excuses not to do anything, which is a wonderful thing. I know when I feel so down I think of my daughter growing up with out me and I just can't fathom it. She is my world! I go on for her! Nobody sees what I know. I hide it well! Inside I'm torn to pieces and don't give a crap! And today has been one of those particularly bad days that I feel like absolutely exploding! Anything has set me off! The wrong commercial ticked me off today! I yelled at the TV for God's sake! I just wish for one good day. Just one!

So please don't feel so alone! I AM HERE! I am even going to give you my email address! Please contact me anytime!

LOL,

Chris


Edited 5/5/2004 10:55 am ET ET by luvdchelsea


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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:02am
Christy, my heart goes out to you...I can really relate to a lot of what you've said, and I know that those are scary feelings...and I would imagine they are even scarier when you have children involved. For me, it seems like there are usually at least minor triggers for my urges to harm myself...but just a word or a thought can turn my mood from "fine" to suicidal in seconds. I've been trying to work on that for years...and finally it seems like maybe I am gaining some control over my impulsive actions in response to triggers...even if it just means waiting a day or two to see if the feeling will pass.

But your situation sounds a little different, in that you say there aren't always triggers for your feelings. I'm sorry I don't know more, but are you on medication and in therapy? I know those are the typical questions, so I apologize if I sound trite for asking them...it's just that before I started on my medications and supplement, I often felt a complete distaste for living, for no reason in particular. I still get that feeling occasionally, but it's not as strong or as frequent as before.

I do see a lot of myself in your description of a "disconnected sense of reality." A lot of times, I seem to have trouble putting things in perspective or even viewing them in the context of the rest of my life. If one moment is horrible and I hate myself, that is all I can seem to feel...and everything else in my life, the possibilities for my future and the people around me, become very distant in my mind.

I also have the fear that this is just my personality, who I am. I've even posted recently about my questioning if I'm even depressed because sometimes my mood is fine, and then suddenly it's not...I wonder if maybe I am just over-reactive to the tiniest of triggers. I'm sorry to go on for so long...but I want you to feel a little less alone in this.

I wish I knew what to say to help you...for one, though, it does seem like your kids are very important to you. This may seem simplistic, but can you keep some snapshots of them with you, so that you can look at them when you are contemplating ending it all? They do need you in their future, for long past this Mother's Day...and you are showing a lot of strength by holding on for them. Please keep hanging in there...I do relate to a lot of what you wrote, and I know how hard and scary it is to have this split-second judgments about ending your life.

I'll be thinking about you...and if you haven't already, can you talk about this with a therapist or doctor? I'm guessing you probably have, maybe even many times...I know it can seem completely hopeless and useless to even try. But your kids and everyone around you need you to try.

One final thing, which will likely sound strange...but lately I've been trying to imagine my life as a story, with a beginning and development and change, and then hopefully a satisfactory ending. For me, I would hope for a fitting ending that comes only after a complete and full life. And I've been trying to convince myself that a sudden, impulsive end would make my whole life story less satisfying, that it would leave so many things undone and questions unanswered.

Again, I can imagine that that may be a strange way to look at things...but it's helped me recently when I considered the possibility of a quick, unexplained end to my life. I'm sorry if I've said anything to hurt you or make your situation any worse...I just wanted to share my experiences and let you know that I can relate.

I'll be thinking of you,

Rose

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Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:06am

Hi Sweetie!


I apologize if I asked this question before but with soo many faces here now this old brain forgets sometimes hehe,,


Are you seeing a Therapist hun?

*hugs             

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:49am
(((((Chris))))),

I feel like I know you for some reason. Maybe it's because we have the same off beat sense of humor or the fact that I relate to what you say. Sometimes I start the day depressed because I relaize that I have to do it all again. I have to start it all over. The same routine, the same chores, the same feeling. I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day! I does help to know that other people understand and go through it too.

Thanks for the smile you give me. You are a very special lady and I am so happy to have met you.

Love and Hugs,

~Christy~

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:59am
((((Rose)))),

You don't sound trite at all for asking if I have been to therapy or if I am on meds. I think that is a very logical question. When I was released from I.C.U in April, I was taken directy to the local physch hospital for evaluation. However, without insurance there is not much they are willing to do and unfortunately I am well versed in what to say to convince everyone things are just fine with me. So, I was released 2 days after admission without any meds. I overdosed and really damaged my kidneys and my liver. I am not able to take any meds at all for that reason.

Therapy would be good except I cant be honest with them. I always want to be friends and don't want to sound as messed up as I am. I don't know what to do to change that.

I may try your experiment about thinking of my life as a story. What a long story it seems to be for such few years. Thinking of myself as in control of this story is alot easier than imagining myself in control of my life. You may be onto something there :O)

Thank you for taking the time to read that novel I wrote and don't worry you said nothing that hurt me or made anything worse. You give great advice Rose. Now I just need to put it into play.

Love and Hugs,

~Christy~

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:04am
Thanks ((((Caly)))),

No, I am not in therapy. I should be though. I can't seem to get it all out though. I keep it all bottled up and go into my sessions like some comedian on stage. God forbid that a therapist think I may need emotional help! I find myself being afraid to say anything to them. If anything were to happen as far as custody of the kids they could subpeona my records and it could cost me big if I were honest with them. There is the touch of paranoia I am famous for.

Have a great day,

~Christy~

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:32am
((Christy)) Remember me? Hey old friend...haven't heard from you in a while. I have been a bad girl, not posting and reading as much.

But when an old friend is in trouble......out of the woodwork comes Lisa to remind a wonderful lady of her value to me.

Wow, your post scared the snot out of me. I am tearing up...part because I would hate to lose a friend and part because I have had those days.

I am glad, so glad that you are still here. I am glad that your kids kept you here for us. Selfish as that may sound, we need you too. Heck, you need you, though right now it does not feel that way.

Sometimes the emptiness is very seductive. Sometimes that darkness pulls you. Don't let it.

Read Harry Potter. Harry Potter saved my life. Don't laugh at me. Have I told you how my friend Harry saved my life? I would stare at my ceiling and want to not wake, and I would think "Gee, I wonder what Harry is up to?" Goofy, but effective.

Harry's world is a safe one to escape to. Find a safe escape, one that keeps you here.

Just a few cents from an old friend.

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Take care,

Lisa-)

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Registered: 03-09-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:01pm
Hi Christy!

I keep trying to email thru your profile, but it doesn't go thru! Just want you to know I'm thinking of you!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:11pm
Chris,

My email is mizzbehaving@hotmail.com or aintmizzbehaving@yahoo.com

I have one for each of my personalities.lmao.

Love and Hugs,

~Christy~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:04pm
write a list of 100 beautiful things in your life...i don't care if it takes all week...keep doing things because 1) that will keep you from suicide or self harming 2) as you slowly focus on tasks (fun and chores) your brain will SLOWLY not think about depression. But yes, I feel like that too. Sometimes I think these medical people who write about "look for warning signs" really don't know WHAT it feels like to be depressed. i'd much prefer to be treated by a doctor who had depression. sometimes there are no warning signs. i think the only thing who knows "why we are the way we are" is God. I have a lot of unexplained answers to my past, which harms my future. But I believe that as long as I know where I am going and what I want to do then everything will be ok. I just made a new friend who I love very much who is very supportive of me. She is from Brazil and truely an angel. I also recommend painting a big black and then spraying colourful dots on...like yellow and lime green...it just does somethin' to ya. and read Tuesdays with Morrie.....and go walking...and go walking in the cemetary, for some reason that helps me...then snuggle in bed with your kids while they are sleeping and rub their backs...buona notte