Helpless and on the verge of cracking

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Helpless and on the verge of cracking
2
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:19am
Hi ladies. I think I am severely depressed and maybe even have a hormonal issue. I've always been a little irritable around that time of the month, but nothing very extreme.In Dec. I had been dating a guy for about 2 months, I'll call him "W". Then around January, we found out I was pregnant. well, we had been kind of JOKING about eloping before than but finding out I was pregnant, we really decided to do it. I guess we felt confident that our marriage would last, even if we only knew each other for a few months. Well, I then started to get majorly bitchy. I think it was from the major stress added on me from what was happening, the major life changes, and then my hormones on top of it. I treated him really badly and by Feb. he told me he didnt want to be with me or bring a baby into this relationship, so he wanted me to get an abortion. I was devestated when he said he wanted to leave and that I'd have to go through an abortion which I felt was the worst thing I could ever experience. I considered raising the baby on my own even if he wouldnt be invovled, but I knew I couldnt afford it and I wanted my child to have a father. I started to cry every night and I began to hate him with such a passion. Then suddenly, 2 weeks before March, I started to calm down a little bit and not be so angry and even started to try to understand him. I dont know if it was my hormones calming down or if I was accepting what was to happen. Well, beg. of March I planned to have an abortion (I was dreading it). A week before I was due to have it, he said he did want to have this baby and be with me. Too Late. I decided to still go through the abortion and I truly feel I only did it b/c i was so angry at him inside and I let my anger lead me. AFter the abortion, i was a wreck. I started to have MAJOR, MAJOR mood swings. I would cry all the time, started to think about suicide, and just felt so hopeless and like I had nothing to be happy about. During that time, he was gone for 3 weeks (out to sea, he's in the navy) and during those 3 weeks when I was experiencing that, at the same time, I started to try to understand where he was coming from and in a small way, i forgave him as I could understand. Yet, to this day, I have outbursts, I hate myself, we fight all the time, I cry all the time, I thinka bout suicide at least once a week- ranging from wishing I'd die in my sleep to thinking about what it'd be like to down a bottle of pills (my thoughts are obviousloy so I wont feel pain). I feel I cant talk to him b/c I'm either too far into my depression to see how I'm being or else he doesnt understand. I dont know which it is. I feel so damn pathetic for feeling this way and for crying all the time. I'm crying even writing this. He is leaving May 24th for 4 months on deployment and I feel I need to get help, yet at the same time, i do not want to do it by myself. I just hate myself so much and I feel like getting pregnant and having the abortion changed my life so much and who I am. I really feel it has ruined who I am. I've never felt so much helplessness and rage. I used to feel pain when I was mourning the abortion, but now I just feel like I cant stop it. Its ruining my marriage and its driving me insane. I know him and I can be happy, but I'm the problem. I hate feeling htis way. I want to seek help, but like I wrote- he's leaving and I do not want to do this alone and on top of that, I just dont feel anyone will understand or take me seriously. I hate feeling this pity and even my husband tells me I pity myself. I really honestly just want to die. I would never kill myself (i dont think, at least), but I wish I'd die naturally. I feel like nothing can be done to help me. My husband doesnt understand. My family gets on my damn case about things and normally I can deal with it, but during these past few months, its just adding to my feelings. I'm out here all by myself in CA, while my family and close friends are in WI. I am alone out here, having only my husband. I just dont know what to do. The obvious probably is to get help, but I just cant do it alone and there's nothing I can do about it as he has to leave on deployment. The anger and helplessness I'm feeling is stemming from wanting to change but yet not knowing what to do. I think also maybe my hormones from not being pregannt anymore might have something to do with it too. I just dont know what to do. He just doesnt understand and in some ways, I dont think he takes me very seriously...I just dont know...I just wish everyone would go away and leave me alone so i can make myself feel better. If I didnt have the pressure of family, my marriage, and life problems in general at this moment, I could make myself feel better...I also think his deployment this month is causing some of the depression too. I mean, for about 3 1/2 months i go through all that and then this month, I have to deal with him leaving me. its just one thing right after another right now. I feel like I have no reason to try to make myself feel better as he is leaving me and I will be all alone here to deal with my anger and depression. I feel like he is walking away scott free from what I have gone through these past 4 months. I think it makes me angry inside that he doesnt feel what I feel and cant understand. he cannot relate to me at all. and when he doesnt react a certain way during my emotional times, I hate him so much and i feel like its b/c of him that i feel that way. I prob. have alot of anger stored up towards him, maybe that is what is making me so depsressed, the fact that I have to deal with it inside and try not to take it out on him....Inside, I feel like I just want to scream and snap any minute. I have such rage built up inside and I cant let it loose. I try not to seem vulnerable or weak....I just feel so damn f-d up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:02am
Sweetie

I didn't have time to read the whole post, but I will re-read it later.

First, there is an abortion board here on IVillage, have you checked it out? I think you might find some support there.

Also, I know what you mean about not feeling suicidal, but just wanting to die naturally. I was there the past two weeks. I went for a walk, and I laid in the grass and prayed for a bear to come and attack me.

Do you take any meds? Have you tried therapy?

I just wanted to say welcome and that I look forward to getting to know you sweetie.

Pamela

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:18pm

Welcome to our board, Rachel.

AcornLeaves