New here and my story (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
New here and my story (triggers)
5
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:02pm
I'm hoping I've found a place to call home for a while. ParentsPlace boards have helped in the past.

I'm 40. I've been fighting depression since I was at least 13. I am currently on Lexapro and Buspar and frustrated with the weight gain that the Buspar seems to be triggering.

I'm one of 4 kids, me being the youngest, and 8-12 years younger than the other 3. My father was an alcoholic who never physically abused my mom, but apparently sexually abused one of my sisters and attempted to s.a. me when I was 13. Thank God, I got away from him and barricaded myself in my room that night. He never tried that again and then died when I was 18 from a heart attack. This was when we were just starting to communicate better. Back in the 70's early 80's you didn't got to authorities with this stuff, you just dealt with it. My mom claims she never knew it had happened though my brother and sister-in-law swear she did. He may not have physically abused my mom, but he was quite verbal as we grew up!

Life went on, I graduated from college and got a job. Met the most awsome guy and got married in 1991. Then we got pregnant and were due May 1997. But, that wasn't meant to be for us. Our daughter Julia was stillborn at 33 weeks, on April 1, 1997 (I'm sure you can understand how much I hate April Fool's Day pranks!). She had the cord wrapped around her neck.

After a year of dealing with our grief, we had a miscarriage (blighted ovum) and then finally we had our first son, Trevor, 12/16/98. We now have Ryan as well, 04/15/01.

I should be happy now. I have a wonderful family, an adoring husband... yet I'm always waiting for the hammer to fall.

Therapy has helped to a point. I can talk much more openly about my childhood. And the meds, other than the weight gain have been good controling my saddness, and bursts of anger at the kids. But I think I need more, and I'm hoping I'll find that here. As I said before, PP boards helped in the past, specifically the stillbirth board and the preg. after stillbirth.

Thanks for listening!

Lee Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:21pm

Welcome Lee Anne,


This board has been a very helpful forum for sharing those things which drive you up the wall about depression and all the ramafications that come from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:18pm

Hi LeeAnne!


Trac said it best as always *grin so I just wanted to add my hugs of welcome!


Look forward to having you here and getting to know you!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:10pm
Hi Trac and Caly! Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I'll have to ponder the word "should". Sometimes I wonder what does happy really feel like? Am I and I just don't know it? Is this as good as it gets and I need to just get over myself??? HMMM...

And thanks for understanding that Julia's death was a big loss for me (us). Many people just can't understand that, she was never alive to them. But I talked to her in my belly every day. She was very alive to me...

I'm glad I found you!

Lee Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 4:56pm

Welcome, Leebee!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:47pm
WELCOME LEE ANNE! I can't add anything that our esteemed CLs haven't already said, and have a lot less experience for some of your history, but I always have a willing ear(even 2 :>) and quick fingers for a reply. I am heartwrung for your losses and can understand how they affect you to this day. In fact, I'm all teary-eyed right now.

Hugs and blessings to you