Totally Discouraged......
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| Sat, 05-08-2004 - 12:34am |
I have been having one of those times of "one step back". I feel like no matter how I try to follow through on this cognitive stuff, it is not working. Today I totally flew off the handle at my hubby. I felt justified at the time, but when we started actually talking about it, I realized that though my feelings were justified, the way I acted was not. Pouting is a bad thing. Anyway, I also had a bad talk with the boss the other day. She feels I am not reaching the standards that she expects of me. I don't know how to take this. I know that she has a habit of being a little crazy and taking out her personal issues on the staff, but I can't help but think maybe she is right. I just don't know what to think. Half of me truly thinks that she is being unfair and unrealistic. She has a lot going on in her life right now that is not pleasant. But the other half of me is sure she is right. I have never gotten along with her. She has never really been satisfied with anything I do, no matter how hard I try. This makes me think that maybe I am just not cut out for this, no matter how much I love it. I always feel like she is judging me and is not happy with what she sees.
on top of all this, we found out the oldest dtr has been stealing from us. The worst was that even after we confronted her, she could not see that it was wrong and actually had the gall to tell us we owed her the money. I just want to give up on the whole thing right now. I talked to my counsellor about this whole thing the other day, and she said that it is normal to feel like I am just tired of this whole thing, but she didn't really help me figure out what to do about it.
I feel so bad. I don't think that I will ever be able to get through this thing. I feel like it will be better if I just gave up and hid myself away. I have been thinking that I might even want to go a hospital to stay for a while. I just don't think I can do this. My hubby said some things today while we were arguing that really hurt me. He said how hard it is on him to live with me. That he can't imagine what is going on for me emotionally, and so it is really frustrating for him to even try to talk to me. He made it sound like I am a batty old lady that he is saddled with. He also said that I am hurting the five year old by being so sad all the time. He managed to hit every sensitive spot I have and pinch them all. I try so hard, and noone can see a change in me, so why should I even keep trying. I just can't seem to think that it is worth it.
Anyway, I am sorry that this is so long, but it has been a while since I unloaded to you all
I am so glad to be back!

((((((((((Sara))))))))))
Its so nice to have you back!!
*hugs