Please help...family situation worsening
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Please help...family situation worsening
| Sat, 05-08-2004 - 1:41pm |
I am so stressed out that I feel like I'm losing it...I can't eat, and I feel like I can hardly breathe. The issues I have with my dad have come to a head, it seems...and I really need help on how to handle them. I posted about it on the "Toxic Relationships" message board, and here is the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rltoxicrelat&msg=1154.1
I've gotten one reply there, and I think that the opinion posted is most likely accurate. I hate myself, I hate the situation...I hate that I'm hurting my family (although a part of me doesn't care if I hurt my dad) and that I can't seem to stop. I really need help...
Anybody available to chat online? I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be always asking for help instead of giving it...just like I might accept money from my dad without giving him any attention back...but I feel desperate.
Thanks,
Rose

Hi Rose!
Im sorry Im too tired to chat online right now but I really wanted to at least post to you..
I read your thread and the reply you got.. I think that poster was a little harsh in her tone but may not be totally off base ..
I know where you are coming from sweetie in that part of me would love to just cut my mother out of my life as it would make thing so much simpler ..BUT I also know that she IS my Mom and wont be around for many more years and that she does love me in her own way..
So instead I have worked on having a relationship with her that doesnt threaten me.. I spend time with her now and tell her things and listen to the critisim but in my head I have learned to not take it personally..
*hugs
And yes, ideally I would like to keep my relationship with my mom, so I guess I have to include him as well. It's just frustrating to me that no one in my family seems to "get" the reason why I'm so uncomfortable around my dad...even in the email she sent me, my mom seemed to say that my feelings are coming out of nowhere.
So I wonder if maybe they are...or maybe I'm just a hateful, grudge-holding person...or maybe there is something wrong with my personality that makes me unable to feel any love or trust towards my dad. But I guess figuring that out isn't the point...the point is to move on and somehow manage to have a decent relationship with him, I know.
I just don't know how to do that, or even how to find the motivation to want to do that. When he calls me, I seem to lose the ability to speak more than "yes" and "no"...even the sound of his voice brings up bad memories for me and makes me feel worse every time I talk to him.
Intellectually I know I'm being childish...but my emotions are getting in the way. For so much of my time living at home, I prayed for the day when I could finally escape his control...I even spent my senior year of high school studying abroad, largely to get away from him! And even now, he seems to want to control me...and if he ends up paying for my med school education, he will have that to hold over my head.
Sorry, I'm not going in the right direction with this post. I have to say that I admire you for managing to have a relationship with your mom without allowing her to affect you too much emotionally. I know I need to act more mature than I am and try to do the same...but I take basically everything to heart...and I somehow thought that I was turning my life in a more positive direction by avoiding my dad. I guess that's not true, though. Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice,
Rose
P.S. I am still dreading going home tomorrow because I know there is going to be a long, sit-down talk about all this...and I just don't know what to say or do. I hate myself for acting this way...so I guess I will try to apologize and plan to do better...but I could really use any advice if you have any from your own situation. Thanks again.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rose)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie,
Hi Rose!
I know how hard this must be for you and in reading your second post I realized how much deeper your problems with your Dad go then mine do with my Mom.
I am certainly not saying you dont have a right to feel that way!
*hugs
Hi, Rose!
Last night when I read your post I was brain-dead, but I just have a couple thoughts today.
For one thing, when you are talking to them, remember that you are not a suspect being grilled.