Having a gray day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Having a gray day.
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Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:20pm
I been having a very hard time in the last week. You may not want to read through this because it is just going to one big whine. I appologize in advance, but I need an outlet.

I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.

What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.

I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.

My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 5:16pm
((((((Brenda))))))

We are ALWAYS here to listen sweetie.

I am so sorry to hear of your heartache. I know nothing I say can take away that hurt. I just want you to know that I am here if you ever need to talk.

Sorry I can't offer any "light bulb" advice for ya.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:03pm
Pamela, Thanks for the hugs I really needed them. Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. I've had this pain for twenty years and it's only getting worse. Big mistake marrying the first guy to come along. I've been married for 14 yrs and the pain is still there. I don't believe there is any light bulb advice, but thanks for trying. I don't think there is any way to improve this. All directions just make it worse. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:41pm

Brenda hun!


In soo many ways you are on the journey that began for me a few years ago..

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 6:43pm

Brenda, I want to give this some more thought, but I do want to make one suggestion.

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:36pm
Caly, I want to believe the things you've said. I'm just so confused. I don't know where to start. I am so lost. I don't believe that love is out there for me, not with out my friend and I would never do anything to harm his relationship. I've hurt him enough. If I can bear all the pain in this matter I will, to protect him. This will problably have to die with me. I guess I will continue to dream about him. That's as close as I'll ever get. All men leave someday anyhow. They proven it time and again. I'm not worth sticking aroun for. If I leave my current relationship I will be alone forever. I don't know that I am strong enough to pay that price. Thanks for caring, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 10:41pm
Thanks for the advice Barbara. My husband would never agree to a separation. One, he doesn't believe there is anything wrong. He's perfectly happy. Heck why wouldn't he be I do everything. Also, in the past, when I've wanted to leave, he's told me he would take my children. What court in the land would leave them with someone as crazy as me. I cannot allow that to happen. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me the best thing to do. Thanks for listening. Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:01pm

Brenda, it sounds to me as though you feel you can predict your future!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 1:11am

((((((((((((((((((((((((Mebrenda)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I feel so for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:42am

Sweetie!


Im not saying leave your husband or not... Im just trying to help you see that your life doesnt have to be as bad as you feel it is right now..

*hugs             

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:17pm
Dear Brenda,

You don't know me as I've just been lurking for a little while, but I really felt that I had to reply to your post. First of all, I hope you are feeling better today. I have been having a really terrible few weeks, so I know how tough it is to be the mother you want to be when you feel down.

I'd just like to address a few of your problems, but please feel free to pay attention or disregard as you like. This is free advice from an untrained non-professional! Regarding your marriage: Have you always felt this way about your husband? Or is it since you became depressed? I know that my marriage went through heck when I went through my latest bout of depression (it's been over two years now, since the birth of my second child) and we came a hair's breadth away from splitting up. At this time, I, too, was thinking of old boyfriends and how great they were (except they weren't, lol). I was also thinking about leaving him and finding something new, but then I came to realize that that would be trading in my current problems for a whole new set of problems...or maybe the same ones. Once I got back on my feet a bit (thanks to Celexa), things began to improve b/c I could actually ask for and get what I wanted from our marriage. The biggest issue that is still affecting us is my lack of libido, due to depression or meds or what, I still don't know. But this is a common issue and a major one in a marriage. I am making a big effort to spend time with DH (we have a sitter booked once a week) and to see him as a man, not just a bill-paying partner! Do you think you could work things out somehow? It's easy to romanticize relationships that never happened (careers that never happened, kids that never happened, etc etc), and it only leads to feeling worse, in my experience.

As for your kids, are they old enough to talk to about depression? I got a great book that I read with my 7 y/o to help her understand. Believe me, I feel like crap too when I yell and rant at the slightest provocation, but when I'm well, I am a good mother, and I'm sure you are too. If you care about your kids enough to worry about that, then I am sure your are doing better than you think.

As for your dreams, could you make any come true on a small scale as a hobby? You don't say what they are, so I don't know if that makes sense. And if you don't like your career, is it possible to change? It may not seem like it right now, but maybe retraining is the way to go.

Finally, a website that has really helped me get control of my house (and my life) is http://www.flylady.net There is also a Flybabies board at ivillage.

Big hugs to you, and I hope you are doing well today.

Nicola

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