Having a gray day.
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Having a gray day.
| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:20pm |
I been having a very hard time in the last week. You may not want to read through this because it is just going to one big whine. I appologize in advance, but I need an outlet.
I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.
What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.
I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.
My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda
I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.
What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.
I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.
My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda

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Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
I grew up in a very unhappy home. My father was always putting us down and my mother was sad and angry and took it out on us. They are still married (after 38 years!) and things are better now, but it was a really bad environment to grow up in. Sometimes I really wish she had left him. Now, I obviously can't tell you what to do, but I think that in your heart, you know what to do. You just have to trust yourself. All your decisions haven't been wrong, or you wouldn't have two special children who love you. I think we usually don't make mistakes when we follow our hearts; it's when we try to talk ourselves into what we *think* we should do.
Please do check out FlyLady if you haven't already. She talks a lot about spousal abuse (her ex husband sounds a lot like yours) and how it affects our self-esteem. This in turn affects our ability to control our homes and our lives. She has really helped me enormously...and it's free!
BTW, here's the link to my post about the book I suggested:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhdepression&msg=44237.1&ctx=0
Take care,
~Nicola
Hugs, Brenda
One of my big concerns is that you have a picture in your head of the man you let go so many yrs ago which has been idealized. Either he has changed and is not the same, or he has been altered in your mind over time so that you remember him as an idealized person.Please dont be offended, its just an idea.
Try these things, I hope they help. If you realize then that you still arent doing the right thing, really explore it in your heart.
Ok I really really hope this question doesnt offend you or anyone, but really think..how would you feel if you husband passed away suddenly? (God forbid...knock on wood)..perhaps this will tell you a little more about how you feel about him? Do you feel like you lost someone you dont want to live without?
Perhaps the minister situation is a good cue for you to talk to him for support. You dont have to tell him exactly what is going on, but perhaps you can just tell him that you are going through a really rough time and ask him to pray for you.
I wish you all the best and HUGS
You tell me to do what is in my heart, but I am so confused I don't know what to do. My old love does not effect my decision in anyway because he is taken. This is all about me. What do I want. It's stupid but I want the impossible. I want to go back in time. I want to move forward also. I want to make me better and happier, but hurting the fewest people and I don't see anyway that's possible. No matter what I do my boys get hurt.
I am not offended by your question. How would I feel if my husband died? I've thought about this many times. The scary thing is, is that it excites me. To be able to start anew. To not have to worry about him taking the children. This sounds bad, but to have the life insurance money to get by on until I got on my feet. Also it would take the blame of a divorce off of me. You see he is happy. He's doing his dream job. He has boys who adore him. He would never leave me he has it to good. I've dreamt of that too.
Any situation that makes me out to be the victim has gone through my head. I know that doesn't make me a very good person to think that way.
My minster doesn't do counseling. Once many years ago we went to see another minister. DH thought it was all bull. He won't ever go again. He doesn't even like me going to the therapist by myself. "All she does is make you think the worst of me". He doesn't know I come up with the bad stuff all on my own.
My friend said once she could see herself growing old with her husband. I wish someone would have asked me that before we married. I would have said no and saved myself a lot of heart ache. Maybe. I thought I was "in love".
Sorry to make this so long. I think posting here is helping me. Thanks for the reply.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Did you ever get the email I sent to you? Just curious! Our situations are so much alike it is scarey! If you didn't get it, I'll redo it! You made a light bulb go off in my head!
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Hugs, Brenda
I have learned that this other guy has asked about me a lot and does think of me. I am still friends with a friend of his. He has even mentioned to this friend that he would some day like to sit down with me and clear up what happened. I just don't think I could do that. Believe me, I want to so badly. I adored him and we had something very very special (I just didn't realize it at the time). I know if I ever did sit down with him, it would be almost impossible to hold back. Once, my therapist told me to write him a letter with all of my feelings and hopes that I had for him and just put it under lock and key. I have done so and sometimes I will read it. It is in an envelope (hidden of course) that states that it is to go to him when I die. When I get my will drawn up, it will be under lock and key with my lawyer. I just don't know if I can go to my grave without telling him how I really felt. It does help me to know I have that.
Like I said, I have never ever told this to anyone. But you just made that light bulb go off and I knew I had to let this out. My husband knows this guy (not well), but knows we had a history that I've had a hard time getting closure with. Yes, he's jealous. He won't deny it either.
I thought I was losing my mind. Thank God you posted here! I know I'm not alone. Feel free to email me any time you like thru my profile or here. Maybe we can get thru this together.
Lots of hugs,
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
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