Having a gray day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Having a gray day.
25
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:20pm
I been having a very hard time in the last week. You may not want to read through this because it is just going to one big whine. I appologize in advance, but I need an outlet.

I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.

What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.

I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.

My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:35pm
Barbara, I will try to follow your advice. Thank you. I just don't know if I am capable. When I start projects like that I seem to zone out. It's easier in my life to watch from the outside. Even reading your response I found myself leaving so I have printed it off in hopes to read it again another day. Thanks again. Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:50pm
Nicola, According to my therapist my marriage is the reason for my depression because I don't get out of it the support I need and he has a habit of playing mind games with me. Just little things like asking my opionion just to tell me I am wrong, telling me he won't hold my hand because I am so fat, etc. lack of libido is a problem for me. He looks at naughty pictures on the internet because I won't sleep with him every night. I'm tired. I can't. He tells me this is my fault along with everything that has ever gone wrong in his life. ( Poor grades in college, Loss of a job, etc.) I try to remember that everything is not my fault, but after 18 years( Yes even while we were dating) I find it hard to resist being just as hard on myself. It's so much easier to believe the bad stuff when that all you hear. The new set of problems that you talked about scare me. I've made so many wrong decisions that I'm afraid to make any at all. My children are 11 and 8. What is the name of the book you used to talk to your daughter? Maybe it would help if they understood momma was sick. Or would it just make them sick of Mommma. Thanks for responding and caring. Some how I have to get through this for my boys.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 9:44am
Oh Brenda, I am so sorry to hear this. Obviously what I wrote about marriage is totally inappropriate. I was referring to much more benign problems, like not helping around the house and stuff. Honey, you are in an abusive relationship and whoever you find if you leave him, and get yourself well, will be much better than what you've got. If you are worried about what leaving will do to your kids, maybe you can think about what staying will do to them: will/does he treat them like that? Or will they just see that it's okay to treat others like that or expect to be treated like that? And no wonder you don't want to sleep with him! Why would you? He makes you feel worthless and unattractive, which is absolutely not what you need.

I grew up in a very unhappy home. My father was always putting us down and my mother was sad and angry and took it out on us. They are still married (after 38 years!) and things are better now, but it was a really bad environment to grow up in. Sometimes I really wish she had left him. Now, I obviously can't tell you what to do, but I think that in your heart, you know what to do. You just have to trust yourself. All your decisions haven't been wrong, or you wouldn't have two special children who love you. I think we usually don't make mistakes when we follow our hearts; it's when we try to talk ourselves into what we *think* we should do.

Please do check out FlyLady if you haven't already. She talks a lot about spousal abuse (her ex husband sounds a lot like yours) and how it affects our self-esteem. This in turn affects our ability to control our homes and our lives. She has really helped me enormously...and it's free!

BTW, here's the link to my post about the book I suggested:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhdepression&msg=44237.1&ctx=0

Take care,

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 6:49pm
Thanks Nicola, I found the thread about the book later after I wrote you. I also checked out flylady. I plan to clean my sink tomarrow. As far as another man wanting me, I have my doubts. Who wants a 300#, 36 year old, with two children? Not even the man who promised to love and cherish wants me anymore. I had a better day today maybe my hormones were off. Odd time of the month though. If I leave my husband someday, I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. Take care. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 12:54pm
Hi Brenda. BIG HUGS. I dont think you are whining. Im so glad that you post your feelings on here. This is a tough situation. You arent the only one in a situation like this and I hope you meet people who really know what to do. I think your children pick up on the lack of intimate/romantic/etc love b/w u and your husband. I think both you and your husband are and will suffer as well. Do what is in your heart. If you are afraid to let go, why dont you take some marriage counselling courses. Read some romantic books together that give ideas for romantic dates and stuff. Try new things *in bed* and put aside time each week to go out on a special date.I hope this can rekindle some feelings and you two might just fall in love all over again, or if youve never truly been in love you could fall in love for the first time.

One of my big concerns is that you have a picture in your head of the man you let go so many yrs ago which has been idealized. Either he has changed and is not the same, or he has been altered in your mind over time so that you remember him as an idealized person.Please dont be offended, its just an idea.

Try these things, I hope they help. If you realize then that you still arent doing the right thing, really explore it in your heart.

Ok I really really hope this question doesnt offend you or anyone, but really think..how would you feel if you husband passed away suddenly? (God forbid...knock on wood)..perhaps this will tell you a little more about how you feel about him? Do you feel like you lost someone you dont want to live without?

Perhaps the minister situation is a good cue for you to talk to him for support. You dont have to tell him exactly what is going on, but perhaps you can just tell him that you are going through a really rough time and ask him to pray for you.

I wish you all the best and HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 7:38pm
Hello idreamy, I know you are right about my old love. To begin with no one is that perfect. Also, I cannot recall any exact memories of him. It's all feelings, smells, and certain looks. I know how I felt. I remember how he smelled. I remember the look in his eye the day I gave him his ring back. I also remember why ( we were so young and I wanted to be sure). I also know that I never saw or heard from him again. He was so angry with me and I didn't want to hurt him any more. Hind sight is twenty-twenty and now I know I should have contacted him then.

You tell me to do what is in my heart, but I am so confused I don't know what to do. My old love does not effect my decision in anyway because he is taken. This is all about me. What do I want. It's stupid but I want the impossible. I want to go back in time. I want to move forward also. I want to make me better and happier, but hurting the fewest people and I don't see anyway that's possible. No matter what I do my boys get hurt.

I am not offended by your question. How would I feel if my husband died? I've thought about this many times. The scary thing is, is that it excites me. To be able to start anew. To not have to worry about him taking the children. This sounds bad, but to have the life insurance money to get by on until I got on my feet. Also it would take the blame of a divorce off of me. You see he is happy. He's doing his dream job. He has boys who adore him. He would never leave me he has it to good. I've dreamt of that too.

Any situation that makes me out to be the victim has gone through my head. I know that doesn't make me a very good person to think that way.

My minster doesn't do counseling. Once many years ago we went to see another minister. DH thought it was all bull. He won't ever go again. He doesn't even like me going to the therapist by myself. "All she does is make you think the worst of me". He doesn't know I come up with the bad stuff all on my own.

My friend said once she could see herself growing old with her husband. I wish someone would have asked me that before we married. I would have said no and saved myself a lot of heart ache. Maybe. I thought I was "in love".

Sorry to make this so long. I think posting here is helping me. Thanks for the reply.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:22am
((((((((Mebrenda))))))))))))

Did you ever get the email I sent to you? Just curious! Our situations are so much alike it is scarey! If you didn't get it, I'll redo it! You made a light bulb go off in my head!

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:53am
No Chris I did not recieve an e-mail from you. I'll check my profile and you can try again. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:51pm
Oh, Brenda! I wish I could wrap my arms around you! I too have been struggling for over 20 years for unresolved feelings for my ex. I have never told this to anyone. I think of him daily, dream of him all the time, and when I see him in passing, my stomach just turns. Our relationship was left up in the air when it ended due to my first husband that I thought was the greatest in the world. But little did I know, he was a total failure. I do love my husband that I'm married to now. I won't deny that. But I do still have feelings for this other man. I cannot get him out of my head. He is married now with children too. I would never do anything to break up a marriage or interfere. I've had that done to me. Plus, I have one beautiful daughter that I would never hurt for anything! She is my life and is what keeps me going and my family together.

I have learned that this other guy has asked about me a lot and does think of me. I am still friends with a friend of his. He has even mentioned to this friend that he would some day like to sit down with me and clear up what happened. I just don't think I could do that. Believe me, I want to so badly. I adored him and we had something very very special (I just didn't realize it at the time). I know if I ever did sit down with him, it would be almost impossible to hold back. Once, my therapist told me to write him a letter with all of my feelings and hopes that I had for him and just put it under lock and key. I have done so and sometimes I will read it. It is in an envelope (hidden of course) that states that it is to go to him when I die. When I get my will drawn up, it will be under lock and key with my lawyer. I just don't know if I can go to my grave without telling him how I really felt. It does help me to know I have that.

Like I said, I have never ever told this to anyone. But you just made that light bulb go off and I knew I had to let this out. My husband knows this guy (not well), but knows we had a history that I've had a hard time getting closure with. Yes, he's jealous. He won't deny it either.

I thought I was losing my mind. Thank God you posted here! I know I'm not alone. Feel free to email me any time you like thru my profile or here. Maybe we can get thru this together.

Lots of hugs,

Chris


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Mom to furangel, Chelse
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 3:30pm
Chris, I will e-mail you through your profile sometime late next week. I am taking my son to a specialist in Denver on Wed. and don't think I'll have time before that. Also my husband doesn't know about how deep my feelings for this other man are and I can't risk him finding out. It would hurt him. I type only when he isn't around. Take care.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda