Having a gray day.
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Having a gray day.
| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 3:20pm |
I been having a very hard time in the last week. You may not want to read through this because it is just going to one big whine. I appologize in advance, but I need an outlet.
I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.
What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.
I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.
My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda
I am so unhappy with my life. I've messed up more than I can fix. To start with my marriage is in the toilet. I don't like my husband anymore. This hurts me so much. I care for him, but don't feel romantic love. I feel like I am all alone in this world. My depression came to a head last spring/summer and I've been on meds and therapy ever since. One of the biggest things bothering me right now is I'm in love with another man. A man I haven't seen in twenty years. I've always loved him. I can't seem to stop thinking about him. Things ended badly between us then and I have so many unresolved feelings that I am over whelmed. The fact that my marriage is so unhappy just makes it worse. My therapist had me contact my old love last summer to try and settle some of these feelings. I did. It was the best I had felt in twenty years. Also the saddest. He had never married, but had met a girl one month previously. He married her in January. I am really happy for him, just sad for me. He called me in the middle of the night in November drunk. He told me he was going to marry her and then professed his undying love to me. I am so confused. He said he wasn't going to let her get away like I did. I can still hear him telling me that he loves me. I want to go back in time and undo everything. I married my husband for the same reason he married her. All the men in my life run off. I thought he had, but come to find out it was all a big misunderstanding. My heart just aches. I want to contact him so much, but I know I can't. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to my husband or children. I've made my bed and have to lie in it. I don't know if I can do this forever. I am such a failure at this life. The bad thoughts are coming back into play. I am no good to anyone like this.
What do I do with these unresolved feelings? I want to just run away, but thats not going to solve anything. My husband is not a bad man. He's just not the one for me. I needed a partner, a protector, someone to understand me, and a friend. The reason I didn't stay with my old love is because he was my friend, my best friend. We complemented each others lives beautifully. As a couple we were better people in this life. I wanted fairy tale love. Now I know I had it, just didn't know what it looked like. I know I 've told this story before and I'm sorry.
I have not realized even one dream I had growing up. They may have been childish dreams, but they are all I have because I don't know me well enough to know what I want any more.My therapist says these feelings are coming about because it is spring. Spring signifies a sense of renewal and I'm not getting that. What I want isn't possible. You can't go back in time. If I could I would change everything. My husband, My occupation, My children ( I love them dearly, but they are such a source of heart ache.), and my life. I am so unhappy with everything. My family deserves better! My children are such good boys and they deserved a happy momma. Not me.
My house has been trashed for months. I can't seem to get the energy to clean it. The worse thing is that I am starting to not care. I would be embaressed if any one came in. Even my minister is angry at me these days. He asked my opionion on something at church and I gave him my answer. Guess he didn't like it. He's been terribly cold ever since. My whole world is going down hill. My therapist helps, but she doesn't know what to do either. She thinks I need to take the children and leave. I made so many wrong decisions. What if I make another? This time it will cost more than just me. My boys will suffer. How could I do that to them? They deserve so much better. Well that probably enough rambling. Thanks for listening. Brenda

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Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Hugs, Brenda
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
Hugs, Brenda
Chris
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Mom to furangel, Chelse
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