back and bummed
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| Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:23pm |
i have been gone because there was a problem with my apartment (so i wasn;t home and had no internet) and then i went on vacation. the vacation was amazing- very quick- but amazing- and sunny! i won money in vegas and i was a very happy camper. but when i had to come back, i started getting more and more depressed.]
today i had to quit my job. this new job was basically not paying me- and expecting me to work! they wanted 30-40 scheduled hours of me being at the gym (with nothing to do) and hustling members to buy personal training. once i got them to train with me, i got 47% of it. but not many members could afford it and so far i have had only like 5 sessions total. for the rest of the time, i get a salary for another few weeks of $150 a week (for 30-40 hours!) and then i am just on commission and have to work there for free. i have been spending all of my time and energy there and getting nothing! so i am trying to go full force into acting, which is what i want to do, but it is hard. i will try to find something else flexible for extra money in the process- waitressing or something. i really want to start a personal shopping company, but i need to figure out how- what to charge, etc. but now i am back where i started, i feel like a failure, and the thought of having to tell people that i quit another job and am unemployed again makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry and tell everyone to go away.
i am so sad, and i feel defeated. i know this is a good thing, but i feel like a loser. i have to face my father who will judge me and ridicule me and everyone else who i know thinks i can't succeed. i feel like i am not even myself lately. i feel like everyone must be tired of me being sick all the time and complaining and now being depressed. i feel like no one wants to be around me and my boyfriend is probably tired of me and thinking badly of me too. that is the one that really kills me. i want to succeed at jobs because i know that is something he regards highly and i want him to be proud of me and happy for me, not think i am a loser and be afraid that staying with me will mean supporting me. i want to be a positive person for people around me, and most of all i want to be happy for myself. i just don't know how to make that happen right now. i need lots and lots of hugs and support. i am so thankful that i have friends here that i can talk to.

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I am so glad you posted!
BIg hugs to you sweetie, I am glad though that you had a good time on vacation and that you got to spend some quality time with your boyfriend, and please dont worry about what he thinks actually you dont know what he thinks about you not having a job and I am sure that he is not upset with you or mad or sad or any of those things, I am sure that he understands that you have an illness and that there is not much you can do about it right now and I am sure that your doctor will find something to help your stomach problems and I am sure tht your boyfriend loves you no matter what he seems like such a great guy and he makes you happy and I am more than positive that you make him happy, and I am more than positive tht when he sees you that he not only smiles on the outside but on the inside as well...
as for your dad let him think what he wants of you, he has no bearing over you anymore, I think that we both need to stop being negative towards ourselves you and I are our own worst enemy and you know what you are great you have been such an awesome friend to me, I am lucky...
I think that you should follow your dream of acting no matter what anyone says to you it is your life and your dream go for it do nt ever let fear get in the way of what you really want plus then when I see you in a movie or on television I can say hey I know that girl...just remember us normal folk when you become famous okay.....but seriously follow your heart on that one hun, dont make anything a should have could have would have....and remember this "I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not"..
I love ya hun and I am always here for you and always wishing yout he best in life..
Erin
I am so sorry your day is going the way it is. I am sending hugs and positive vibes your way. As far as the job goes, you have to do what is best for you. If you are not happy, it will show in your work and home life. I think you made the right decision. I know we are all seeking approval but you have to do what is right for you.
My day started out very badly and it's getting better, slowly. This morning I thought it was the end of the world and that I would not be able to go on one minute longer. Things WILL get better.
Take care!