False memory syndrome? *triggers*

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Registered: 03-31-2003
False memory syndrome? *triggers*
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Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:16am
I wrote a really long intro a few days ago, so I won't get into everything again. But in a nutshell, I've been depressed on and off for about 20 years (I'm 37). I'd been to therapy but it never helped much. Finally went back about a year and half ago, and dealt with some family issues and thought I was done. Then, during yoga classes, I started to have flashbacks of being raped as a young child (5 or 6). How do I trust that this rape really happened and I'm not just making it up? I have a lot of circumstancial evidence (nightmares as a child, flashbacks now, major vaginal pain for more than 10 years that has finally abated, out-of-proportion fear that my dd will be sexually abused), but no *proof*. I feel like maybe I'm just making it up, that I'm a whiner. Part of me wishes it wasn't true b/c it makes me feel dirty, weak and pathetic.

My dh is very concerned that it is false memory syndrome. He says he believes that something happened to me, but maybe not to the extent that I remember. I asked him why he doesn't want it to be true, and he says b/c it makes him so angry, and maybe I'd get better more easily if it weren't true. But I've had depression for so long, that's obviously not the case--it won't just resolve itself. We've both read "The Courage to Heal," which says that FMS is not even a real syndrome; it's not in the psych books. But then he read this sceptics book which said that "The Courage..." was not valid b/c it is all about anecdotal evidence.

Anyway, sorry to go on so long. What I want to know is how do I trust that my memories are real? How do I get my dh to support me, even if he doesn't want to believe it? It's so hard for me to accept, that I am very vulnerable to any disbelief. But maybe it didn't really happen; how do I know?

I hope you can help.

~Nicola

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Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 2:58pm
Nicola,

False memory syndrome is generally something people think of happening in conjunction with going to a hypno-therapist. Sometimes hypno-therpapists either consciously or unconsciously plant suggestions of things happening that did not happen. In those cases, the memories are IMPLANTED.

I had a spontaneous memory of being raped as a child. It came on slowly. I always knew I was scared of my dad, and locked my door when I visited him. I later found out that he molested a lot of underage boys. I had the memory of something happened. I tried to access it in meditation, but it was too painful. About a year later, I had my first flashback during sex. A few months later I had the full flashback.

I never wanted to believe it happened. I still don't want to believe it happened. I've since found out that my dad violently raped at least one other person in my family (my cousin). So now I know that it fits into his pattern. I've also found out that about 80% of people who molest teens, rape people in other age groups at least once in their lives.

I understand that your husband doesn't want to believe it happened. I know that feeling so well. I have had several therapists over the years. One said that I needed to trust my feelings. Another said that I didn't need to worry about whether or not it happened. I just needed to honor my feelings and heal those. Because either way, you have the feelings around that.

I was in a rape support group after I first had my flashbacks. It helped me so much! I learned that all the things I've felt my whole life are normal reactions to the trauma of rape.

You need to know that the horror of rape and other violent trauma is too painful and difficult for a child to deal with and integrate into her life. Suppressed memories are more common than people want to admit. Many people suppress the memory of events that happen right before and during a car accident. It's the same kind of reaction. Some people who have undergone long-term torture, violence, sexual abuse, etc during childhood repress the pain to such a degree that they dissociate and create multiple personalities. That is what causes multiple personalities.

I personally never liked the book Courage to Heal. I also think that just because something is anecdotal, doesn't make the experiences in it untrue. Courage to Heal was a ground-breaking book when it came out, but much better books have come out in the years since it appeared. I'm getting my masters in psychology right now. I've learned so much.

I recommend calling a local rape crisis center and getting into one of their free support groups. If you have the memories, it's important to honor them. It's important to take care of yourself. Just tell your husband that you don't want to believe it happened either, and because of that you would never want to create those kinds of memories out of thin air. But ask him to support you as you work on healing and exploring the pain you have inside.

I feel for you. I've been there. It's so painful to face pain that is so horrendous. The worst part for me was realizing that I had always felt like I was secretly a monster because I had experienced something that made me feel so monstrous inside. Do you know what I mean.

Good luck with everything. Take good care of yourself.

All My Best,

MariaC

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:09pm
Thank you so much. I did find The Courage to Heal a little over the top sometimes, but it also contained some good information. I did do hypnotherapy w/ my therapist, but it was after the flashbacks started, to ascertain what actually happened. It is still not 100% clear, but what is clear is that something terrifying and bad did happen. Was it rape or was it "just" being touched all over by men I didn't know? I guess I'll never know. I have asked my husband (and he has agreed) to just not question me right now; assume it happened and if he has any doubts, to keep them to himself. I suppose I have to accept that I'll never know for sure exactly what happened and move on from there. My therapist is saying the same thing yours did, pretty much.

All my life, I have felt "not good enough." Part of it is having a father who always told me that, but I think it stems from this event also. When I think about it, I feel dirty and slimy. I know this is illogical--how could I have prevented it?--but it is how I feel.

Thanks for your ideas, and I'd be interested in any other books you could recommend. I've read Burns, so I'm thinking of something specifically about sexual abuse.

Thanks,

Nicola

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Registered: 05-13-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 4:21pm
I wanted to let y'all know,, You should never question for what happened to you. I used to minumize my sexual abuse/rape because, I always thought what happened to me wasnt as bad as another persons. Someone who has been sexually abuse as a child will feel it and know. I have known people how have made something out of it more then they should of making them physically ill. But, the person I knew could not face the true nature of the problem. She looked at her abuse logically and I think that damaged her a bit. I will not go into details to her abuse. It was not minor in no means but, she didn't let people support her or communicate to her family about how she felt or even what happened.

I was sexually abuse by a friend of the family. I felt for years it was my fault...Even in the begining of my marriage I am not sure if my husband know what he got himself into. I was open about it but, being intamite with someone brought out alot of stuff that I shoved in the back of my mind. I loved my hubby but, didn't trust him really. But, part of me long to trust him. In the first few years of marriage he was very supportive and that helped me though therapy. I still have some issues with it but, I try to handle them differant. Luckly my hubby never question if I had some false memories...

I just want to let you know that I have heard this before...and it comes at true with some of the things that has happened in my life..."God doesn't give you anything you cant handle" I am kinda against trying to push memories out because, if I do that..I could hurt myself. I think pushing some of the memories we cant handle is a way we learned to protect ourselves and when we are ready to face them we can.

I don't think hypnotherapy ((in my opinion)) is the way to go with sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. To bring up memories that maybe is too overwhelming for one to handle. Set of triggers at the time a person isnt ready to face them. To be honest I dont think people make up or think they have been abuse. Even if they think that the abuse was worst then it was. You have been abuse one way or another and YOU WERE STILL VIOLATED and that is that...

I know for a fact that I may have more things in my life that I have forgotten but, when they come up...I will be ready for them.


With love,

Beth

notaperfectmom







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Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:31pm
To add to the last post, Mother Theresa said, "God never gives us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Personally, I've often felt that I had more than I could handle. Somehow I survived, but I wouldn't want to have to go through it again.

MariaC

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:59am
I can relate to that! After I miscarried my second pregnancy, someone said that it would make me more sensitive to other women who've been through that, but couldn't I learn that from a book?!

~Nicola

Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:01am
Thank you for your concern, Beth. I appreciate your kind words. I guess the positive side of these memories coming up is that I can deal with them and maybe resolve some of the repercussions. They are here now b/c I am strong enough to deal with them, I hope.

Thanks again,

Nicola

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Registered: 05-13-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 3:44pm
Nicola,

What a beautiful name :)...I feel like some of these issues in my life just stink...I dont know who said something about the book "Courage to Heal". The one thing I really disliked about that book is that they called people that have survive sexual abuse.."survivers". "Surviver" is someone who lives day by day on what resources they have.

I dont like to label myself as that..or anything. Just "Beth" a person who has been though alot. I dont only want to survive life but, I want to live it....and I believe all of us can...It is my goal in life to find true happiness and if I just survive...I will not...

All I can say because, I am not a big giver on advice is...if ya need someone to talk to..well..I will listen.

Yours Truly,

Beth

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Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:13pm
Hi, Beth!
AcornLeaves
Avatar for mumontherun
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Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:38pm
Thanks Beth (for your compliment and support). I agree about "survivor"; I guess it's better than "victim," but I don't like to be defined by my abuse. Thanks for lending your ear.

~Nicola