Witnessed accident...poss trigs
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| Mon, 05-17-2004 - 6:00pm |
Immediately I made a U-turn myself, pulled off to the side of the road, and rushed over to see if she was all right. She was curled up and sobbing, but fortunately she was wearing a helmet and looked all right except for some cuts on her hands (her bike was totaled, though). The driver of the truck and another girl stopped, too, and we all tried to tell the motorcyclist it was going to be all right and that she shouldn't try to move.
Then a nurse happened to drive by, and she took over, and soon police and an ambulance came, too. So I stood back and waited and told a police officer what I saw (nothing like this has ever happened to me before, so I wasn't quite sure what to do). Then they told me I could go home, so here I am.
Even though the girl looked OK, she said she tasted blood, and that her chest hurt a lot...so my first thought was that she might have internal bleeding (I'm not a med student yet, though...I wish I had been at the time!). Sorry to make this story so long and detailed. I know there wasn't much more I could have done after the accident to help, since I don't have medical training...
But what I'm upset about is the fact that I saw the truck and the bike before they collided, and in that short amount of time I thought about honking to try to warn the truck behind me. But I didn't honk...somewhere in my brain I even thought "stupid driver, probably talking on her cell phone...she'll figure it out before it gets too late." What a horrific thought!
Even if honking wouldn't have helped, I still feel like a horrible person for not trying. The accident brought up a lot of guilt and all these questions for me...am I that insensitive and mean of a person? Should I even try to become a doctor when I don't even do the most minor thing to prevent an accident? Am I responsible for the accident and the girl's possible injuries?
I said earlier that I was pretty shaken up, but really I don't feel very affected emotionally. I'd just gotten out of my second-to-last therapy session, and we'd discussed how I have become better able to handle disappointments and negative situations without immediately turning to self-harm. But now I feel like I should feel more guilty, more in pain about this situation...at least more shaken up! I cried throughout my therapy session, but after this horrible accident, I haven't shed a tear!
Still, I wish there was someone I could call to tell about what happened...my mom is away at a job interview in another state, and while I'm doing better with making small talk with my dad, I don't feel comfortable talking about this to him. And at times like these I realize I have zero friends I can call...and generally I don't even enjoy hanging out with people much (on my trip, I met up with an old friend from college and his girlfriend, but I was so glad when they had to cancel our dinner plans...I was exhausted and just didn't want to deal with people anymore).
Sorry, this post was pretty random to begin with (sorry I haven't been keeping up with posts lately...I'm still recovering from my trip, I think), and it's gotten even more off-topic. Thanks for listening, though...it's good to tell this to someone. I wish I could find out if the girl ends up being OK, but I know the hospital won't tell me since I don't know her or even her last name.
And I guess my main worry about myself (although it seems very selfish to be thinking of myself at a time like this) is that I have switched my mind from completely over-sensitive to numb and insensitive...in my black-and-white thinking, it's hard to find a good balance between the two extremes! Being numb might keep me from self-harm, but I know it's not a good way to live or to relate to people.
Thanks again for listening,
Rose
Edited 5/17/2004 6:02 pm ET ET by rosa444

Oh, Rose, it does sound as though you are somewhat shaken, nevertheless.
I think you're right about the value of being able to put your feelings on hold...over the years I've tried to densensitize myself to medical-type stuff (I used to get very disgusted) by watching real-life surgery or trauma TV shows and trying to focus on what would need to be done in the situation. And after the accident, I guess I was more concerned about whether the girl was seriously injured or not than about my feelings.
So I guess that's not something to be too worried about, although it was a strange sensation for me, to see the cuts on her hands and the pieces of the bike everywhere and not to feel very sad and upset...most of all I felt a rush of adrenaline, of wanting to help any way I could. I agree that feeling numb could be a blessing or a curse, though...it would really concern me if I lost compassion and caring for people.
I've been hoping that the local paper will publish something, too, at least so I can find out the girl's condition. Strangely enough, I now feel somehow attached to her...she's only a year younger than I am, and the memory of her lying on the pavement sobbing stays in my mind...I am really hoping that she will be all right (and judging from how she seemed at the crash site, I think she will...but of course you never know).
And I'm still beating myself up about not honking, but trying to take into consideration the fact that it might not have helped. The truck driver said that by the time she saw the bike, she was too far into her U-turn and couldn't come out fast enough. And the girl on the motorcycle did honk before the crash, but clearly that didn't stop the accident from happening.
OK, guess that's enough for now...sorry about this off-topic post...it's been a strange day, with saying goodbye to my therapist too. Glad you had fun with the other cl's and Lisa at your meeting...you all look great in the photo!
Thanks again,
Rose