I'm back after a long time gone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
I'm back after a long time gone...
3
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 8:43pm
I don't even know where to begin.

Ok, I actually do. I haven't posted here in over a year. I found this place to be really helpful to me at a time where I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I've always remembered that and have told friends to come here for support. I hope they did.

Anyway...I was last here because I was severely depressed. Most of it was situational, but mental illness runs in my family and with that said, I was worried about myself. I started taking meds, felt great, stopped posting (which I have to say was in poor form of me, which is part of my problem). Decided to stop meds. Felt fine. Bad situations were handled with, at first, stability. This one has set me off again and for the first time in my life I thought of hurting myself. Not that I would, really, but it crossed my mind. I'm so mad at myself that I feel like I deserve it.

I've finally realized that I am completely self-destructive and I don't know how to stop it. I don't hurt anyone but myself with anything bad that I do. I know that the things that I do are wrong, but I don't know how to stop myself from doing them because I don't know that I, deep down, really want to. Sometimes I think I think too much. I feel like I cannot take the advice I so warmly give to others. I feel like such an a-hole.

I'm finally at the point where I don't know what to do. I f'ed myself really good and although it probably isn't as big of a deal as I feel that it is now, I can't sleep, I haven't eaten all day, I can't stop crying.

OK, what's the big deal you ask? My bank account has been seized because I'm too f'in lazy to pay my credit card bills or answer phone calls from creditors. Yeah, stupid, right? It's not like I don't want to pay them back. I did this once before when I was in college and I got myself out of it. I vowed to myself I would never do this again. But I'm lazy. I mean to, but I forget. Then it's another month...mean to, forget. Anyway, since I didn't, there was a court judgement against me (which I really never recieved the summons for to appear in court or anything...this was 6 months ago), they frozze my account. And you know the stupidest thing of all...it's all over $900. Yep. A stupid $900. I could pay that off right now. But I didn't. Now it's too late. This wouldn't be so bad, but I'm leaving the country in 2 days to go on a vacation...I haven't been on one since 1995, can't really get out of it now and was pretty much free. I'll spare the really boring details and so now I have $600 cash in my pocket...still a judgement...leaving the country. I have to go to court tomorrow and get some sort of order to postpone judgement (I have it written down somewhere), so I can have a chance to "negotiate" my case. As a side note, this "attorney" was an evil, evil man. He was threatening me and bullying me and not being civil by any means.

I'm just tired of being such an ass to myself. Am I going to do this to myself until I make myself sick and die? I don't know how to break this cycle and be a more proactive person. It makes me sick how I am. I am so disgusted with myself that I don't want to go on vacation to punish myself. I have such a headache, but when I close my eyes, it runs through my head and I can't sleep. I try to eat and my stomach turns.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, so if you are still reading, thank you. I feel like a floodgate of evil has opened and I can either sink or swim and I'm not sure which I can do yet.

Thanks again. It actually feel a little better just getting it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:05pm

Sweetie,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:27pm
Thank you for your ideas.

I started doing all of that. I just installed this program that helps me budget. I started it and never finished, as usual. I just forgot about it one day, and it was over. I pretty much just remembered it now. And I do have bill payment online, for my necessities. This one just got under the radar.

This, to me, is just another example of what I do to myself, when I swear I will never do it again or promise myself I'll be better about. I constantly let myself down. And I'm mad at myself. I do everything that's bad for me too much.

And I'm leaving on Wed...I'm supposed to be having a blast in Mexico. I want to forget all of this and have a good time. I just hope my brain lets me.

I'll figure this all out and this too shall pass, I'm just pissed at myself for letting it happen again. And I can't say that I won't again. That's the scary thing, to me anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:55pm

I too hope you will have a good time in Mexico.