Depression flare up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Depression flare up
5
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 10:23am
I am just grasping around desparate for support. I feel like I can't even find the right board for me. I got depression post partum iwth my 4 year old son. Been fighting it hard ever since. Intense therpay, paxil, exercise. I decide to try and get pregnant again. It was a tough choice. I miscarry. About 6 weeks ago. And I feel so sad and numb and just kind of hopeless. I just can't shake it.

I am very tired of fighting depression sometimes. It's back. I know it's because of the miscarriage and the grief. But arrrgggh. I just want to behappy. I don't like my job either so that stinks.

But I do want to try and conceive again so I don't want to shift out of this job yet. And I don't want to up the paxil. That's the kicker. Cause while I am willing to take Paxil while pregnant and I did, I don't want to up it now because if I do get pregnant I want some wiggle room with my med in case I get a full blown case of depression.

I am still sleeping and such. Usually insomnia is the sign something's afoot. I just feel very lethargic.

Any insight is appreciated.

Kelly

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 11:01am
Dear Kelly,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss; you and your little angel will be in my thoughts and prayers. Do you think you are really getting into a deeper depression, or are you grieving? Honey, it's okay to grieve. You've lost a precious gift. I also miscarried my second pg and it was so painful. I think what makes it harder is knowing what you've lost: you already have one child, so you know what that little egg would've turned into. I m/c six years ago, almost to the day, and it is still painful to think about. Have you had any help dealing with this? I went to a grief counsellor, but didn't find her that helpful. I did find the miscarriage board here wonderful, and I don't know if I could've got through it w/o their support. I even thought of killing myself and blamed myself for being a bad mother...it was awful. Please take some time to take care of yourself. Maybe write about how you are feeling, meditate, take a bath to relax, go out for a coffee to be alone...whatever you need right now.

Have you talked to your doctor about your depression or a psych? Apparently ppd can get worse with each pregnancy, so maybe this has aggravated your condiditon. Have you had your thyroid checked? A pg can also affect that and it can mimic depressive symptoms. You can also insist on blood tests to see if there's any obvious reason that you may have miscarried. Normally, doctors don't tend to do this after one m/c but you can insist (I did). And maybe feeling that you have some control over the situation will help.

Just one more thing: Getting pregnant again will not replace this baby, so please don't do it until you are feeling better. Believe me, I know the temptation. But really, even when you do conceive again, you will know it is not the same one.

Here is the link to the m/c board at parentsoup. It seems a little slow, but maybe they can help.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/main.asp?webtag=iv-psmc&nav=start

Love to you and your family,

Nicola

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 11:05am
Hi Kelly,

I don't know if this is the right place, because I'm pretty new here, and I don't know anything about post-partum depression.

I just wanted to let you know that I can empathize with you! I know how it feels to be walking under that gray cloud all the time! I also understand about the meds issue.

One thing I would like to offer is that you need to do what's best for YOU, not for a baby that's not conceived yet. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I think that waiting until your mood/emotions/depression has stabilized that I think (and I'm NOT a professional) you face an increased risk of relapse if you throw hormonal fluctuations into the mix - you know?

I'm on Effexor and I've never been pregnant, but I want to be someday! :) Effexor is considered a Class C drug, which means (I think) that it hasn't been tested for safety in pregnancy, so I"m going to have to SERIOUSLY consider that issue before I conceive.

It sounds to me like your medication may be a little off. I know that there are a whole bunch of anti-depressants out there, and your doctor probably has a reason for thinking Paxil is the best for you and your illness, but maybe it's time to talk to your doctor to see if a change in meds is right for you? It just doesn't sound to me like the depression is under control, and I thought Paxil was more for anxiety? TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR.

Have you gone through some sort of grief counseling? Maybe a support group for post-partum people? How is your support network (hubby, parents, friends, family...)? Are they there for you? Have you told them how "off" you feel?

Anyway, just wanted to give you a response! I know that after I post something, I check back about a thousand times wanting some sort of immediate response!!!

((HUGS))

Tracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:22pm

Welcome, Kelly!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 9:58pm
Hi Kelly, I am about to say something to you that is just my thoughts and the decision to have another child is totally yours and your husbands. I am older and I have raised one child (a son) age 24 and raising a child without any major depression is hard but with depression it is a task I would never take on a second time. Parenting is so stressful in the times that we live in and when children get older and become teens and young adults the demands they can make on you can be very stressful. Think long and hard before you have another child, I am speaking from my own experience, children do not stay small and your baby forever as they grow so does all the problems with them. I had a very strong willed child and he has exhausted me, you must think about your depression and do you have the strength to handled this again. Think long, hard and pray before you do this again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 11:01pm
Thank you all so much for you kind words. Your advice is very helpful. I talked a bit more to my husband about it and he is supportive. I am going to see just how each day goes. I'd like to stay at the level of Paxil I am at and see if I am just grieving.

I do agree that I need to feel better and stronger before taking the leap again. And sort out my medicine. I have to call my OB and see how my test results came back - he tested the embryo, etc. I'll call Thursday and ask. And when I have him on the phone I'll go over my stay on as low a dose of Paxil as possible because I might get pregnant theory. I know it even sounds ridiculous typing it. But for now it's what I believe.

I know being a mom is hard and I know having another kid is tough too. And I have no clue what I am getting into. I learned that when I crashed hard with PPD. But my husband and I do want another -- with all the risks and heartbreak. It's I feel like time is ticking away.

Life is tough sometimes. Thank you. I do feel a bit better than I did this morning.

Kelly