Having a really bad day

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Having a really bad day
4
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:51pm
I have been doing ok for the past couple of weeks, but am really bad today. I could hardly get up, and everything seems like an enormous effort. I can seem okay, but it takes so much out of me, I am exhausted. My 2 y/o ds was home with me today, and my 7 y/o has gone on an overnight trip with her school. DH will be home late (as usual). I had a *huge* fight with my mother, with her saying I'm always mean to her and I seem to hate her. And I said I am angry with her b/c she didn't protect me from my father's verbal/emotional abuse and b/c she always favoured my brother and finds fault with me. Anyway, it escalated and was going to end in a really bad way, but then I just fell apart and said I'm so sorry, I'm just so angry all the time. I hate myself. I hate the way I do to my dd what my dad did to me. I expect her to be perfect and can't accept when she's not. I've called her stupid, which she is not by a long shot. Or I just make it obvious from my facial expression or sighs that she is not doing something right. I think it's partly b/c it happened to me, but I know how painful it is, so why am I passing it on? I think it's also b/c I was raped at around her age, and when I think of that (as I am again now that I'm back in therapy to deal with it), I feel that I was so weak and pathetic, and it's like I'm telling myself that I'm useless and worthless when I treat her like that. She looks a lot like me, btw. Also, I'm much different with my son. I really think that she would be better off without me. She is still so attached to me, but I really don't think she should be; she deserves much better.

I spoke to my mother's psychiatrist today (she has SAD), and he said he would get me an appt. asap with someone at the hospital...but who knows how long that will take. He said to continue w/ the talk therapy, but that I need meds to get out of this, too. He told me to up my Celexa to 30 mg from 20mg and then to see a psych (not my family dr) to discuss what to do.

I just feel like I'm trying so hard, but it's useless. I will neer be happy. I've been suffering like this for 20 years, off and on, and it just keeps coming back. I feel like giving up. The only reason I haven't killed myself is b/c I feel like my baby needs me, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on. I don't even believe in God anymore. How could a loving being let people feel like this? I know that I have issues I have to work on, but I just don't feel like I can ever change for good.

Sorry to ramble so much, better go make dinner.

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:10pm




Hi Nicola!


Im sooo glad you spoke to someone and that you are going to get an appt soon.. It sounds like more then anything you need to talk to someone who can help sweetie.. I know things seem like they cant get better right now but they can hun!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:24am
Hi Nicola...it sounds like you do have a lot to deal with, issues from your past as well as a lot of responsibilities now with your kids. I can really identify with you when you talk about being angry with your mom for not protecting you from your dad...I dealt with a similar situation during my childhood, and I know how hard it is even today to overcome.

I'm glad that you're taking steps to try to get through this...that appointment sounds like a very good idea. I can hear a lot of hopelessness in your post...I think that that hopelessness is one of the worst parts of depression. Not only do you feel bad, but you think that you will never feel better! When I feel that way, I try to focus on the moment, on doing what I can for myself at the time and, if things are bad enough, just putting any major decisions on hold and waiting until the feeling passes.

I'm glad you found this board, and I hope you'll continue to post here,

Hugs,

Rose

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:25pm
Thank you, Caly. You have such a warm and caring heart. I saw my therapist today and am feeling a bit better. Thanks for your hugs; I really needed them.

~Nicola

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:28pm
Dear Rose~

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I also feel that the hopelessness is the worst part of depression. When I am depressed, I can't imagine it will ever end, even though it's always ended in the past. I just feel like this time, this is *it*. Anyway, I had an appointment with my psychologist today, and am doing a bit better.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

~Nicola