on the inside- triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
on the inside- triggers
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:17am
there is one word that sums up the way i feel right now- ow. ever since i was a kid, i had trouble pinpointing what it was that hurt, i just knew that it hurt. there is all of this stuff that has been going on in my life- lots of things that happen to other people all of the time, and stuff that i felt like i could talk about to other people. then it hurt a little too long to keep talking about it- i could see people's faces when i started "another talk" and i stopped. it also started getting deeper and people either wouldn't understand, couldn't handle it, or i wanted to pretend it wasn't there. now here i am, i let the stuff on the inside get piled up so high that my shallow attempts to skim some of the bad stuff can;t even make a dent anymore and it has now penetrated the skin to show on the outside. i am so sad, i am in so much pain, and i know that things hurt i just don't know what is making it hurt so much that i am falling into deep depression and feeling like i am in so much pain. this is the only place that i really feel like i can talk about it- really talk- and only get support and help- not judgement. i was in therapy for most of my life and please don't tell me to see someone because the people i have seen in the city only make it worse- and i know i just need to talk. thanks for letting me- here goes:

i just got back from a spur of the moment trip to see my mom. i only got to spend less than a day total with her, and i miss her. i know it is her life, but i feel so connected to her that her pain is my pain. i hate to see how terrible her life is. i hate my father and the way he treats her every day. i hate that his muscular dystrophy is so bad that he is crippled yet he won't even admit it and is so angry about it and he is so depressed. i hate that she is sleeping on a different floor from him- in my brother's old room. it seems so lonely and uncomfortable for her. she hates her house, our dog (who was there for me in the worst times) is old and will probably die soon and he is really all she has in some ways there. my brother is a mess- and he is an angry, messed up person because of my dad. we have been trying to help him for so long and he has to do it himself and i don't know if he will. i wish they were ok, and honestly none of them are and i have tried for years to help and i don't have it in me any more. i wish my mom wasn't so far away- but i wouldn't move closer than here for anything.

you guys know i just quit this last job. i am so ridiculously broke. i just told my boyfriend. he kept letting me/asking me to pay for little things that he thought were no big deal (like picking up some pants from the tailor) he would never ask me to spend money i didn't have- but i don't think he realized how broke i was. my apartment is so old and the windows are so bad that the air is dirty and has allergies in it and i have been getting allergy headaches when i wake up all of the time. my stomach has been a mess (stress is a big factor). i haven't been eating- food is my stomach's enemy and it is hard for me to rationalize spending money for food that is likely to make me sick. it makes me feel worse about spending the money that i don't have. i know that is silly, but the food that i can eat in my neighborhood tends to be very expensive- i guess i need to go to cheaper grocery stores and cook more. i have lost weight though, and the only stuff i have been wanting to eat is cookies and chocolate (so i have been). i don't know what to do for money- i am trying to get work with my agencies and get more agencies and do the acting thing, but i know i need a side job for money and i am back where i started. i know no one wants to hear it, but it still hurts me.

i feel like there are so many things in my head that i can't make my own decisions. i almost want someone to hand me the things i should be doing for a few months- where to work, what to eat, what to be doing. nothing i do feels right.

i am feeling irritable towards my boyfriend. i think he is an amazing guy and i know he would do anything for me, but he is selfish sometimes. tonight i was so sad on the phone and he knew it but he was stressed too and i felt like he was just offering to lend an ear because he had to. then, i decided to go across the street and give him a hug and talk to him but he again didnt seem very receptive. i have been trying to tell him that i am upset and i need him, but i don't think he really gets it. he doesn't open up that much- he;s not very emotional. if something little bothers him, it is something with work and he gets over it. i left his apartment feeling like i couldn't turn to him and still feeling all messed up and like no one could talk me down. and no one would want to. i started thinking there was a problem with "us" but even if there is something there, the major problem is me right now. i feel like i am closing off from him and getting upset with him- ever since i was having trouble with my apt again and he isn't ready to live with me yet- even though i know that he wants to probably in the next year and he wants more money and more time first...

i want to run away from myself- but that isn't really possible. i just want to sit on the beach with all of the people i love and have a relaxing life with no work and no stress. and somehow shut off the part of my brain that makes me depressed!!! i paid $120 for my prozac this month (insurance prob)- and it isn't doing a good enough job!

thank you SO SO much for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 12:44am




((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Voguegirl15)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I know how hard it can get to be when you have so much inside you, and no way it seems to let it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 8:35pm
great suggestion trac- and thank you so much for your response. it meant a lot. i will definitely look into this and see what i can do. i know this is short, but please know that i really am VERY appreciative of your advice and support!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:10am
VG, I absolutely have the time, energy and desire to talk with you. Call me today (Friday), or I will call you. I know that feeling when people are tuning out and don't want to listen. It's horrible. But I'm here. I know the feeling and I can be there for you, sweetie.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:14pm
VG,

I can't find your number. I got a new computer and my old saved emails are gone now. Can you email me your number through the my ivillage profile, or with the email address you have for me. I can call you Saturday.

Take Care,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 12:09am
VG, I've read your post several times, trying to think of a good response...and though I still haven't come up with one, I do want you to know that I've been thinking about you. I wish you weren't in such pain, but I know how good it can be sometimes just to get it all out by talking...and how frustrating it is when people don't want to listen.

Sending you good thoughts and support,

Rose

P.S. Oh, I wanted to add, I think Trac's idea of temp jobs is a good one. That's what I've been doing for much of the past year, and it's worked out pretty well, at least allowing me to remain independent and pay my bills. Especially when I was so sick last year, it was nice to have the option to say no to a job if I was feeling really bad... and since I've been feeling better, I had a temp job (although an admittedly boring one!) turn into a full-time thing. So I definitely recommend trying that route.


Edited 5/22/2004 12:11 am ET ET by rosa444