no where to turn

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
no where to turn
6
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:19am
i am feeling rather overwhelmed today. i dont even know where to begin, so this may seem sorta random b/c my thoughts are unorganized, and it may be long...

i have just relocated to VT with my DH. he got a job at the univ. of vermont. i have been following him around since we started dating 8.5 years ago. we met as soon as i started college, like within the first week, and the rest is history. i feel like he is really getting to live his life, and i am at best, a supporting actress to his leading role, you know? i had dreams when i graduated college. but when we moved from the city of our college 500 miles away to north carolina so he could attend duke and continue his studies at grad school, he told me i had to get a job to help pay the bills. so i put my dream on hold to get a job to help him through school. the job was in retail, and soon i was a manager. then i switched companies, and had to take a step down, but soon found myself climbing the chain again. the success made me feel good for awhile, but the job was very stressful and time consuming. irratic scheduling and busy holiday seasons where i was not allowed to get time to off to go visit family to enjoy the season were very hard for me as well. anyhow. i rationalized it by telling myself that he realized what a sacrifice i was making for him (us?) and that he appreciated. though he never showed it. he always thought that my job was so easy and how could i be so worked up about it etc. he just doesnt understand me and how i feel and react to things. so, after 5 long years of working this job that i felt was slowly killing my spirit, i was ready to quit for our relocation to VT. he argued that i needed to transfer with this job. i argued that ineeded a change to find something a little less stressful than being a retail manager. i finally got my way after awhile. well, its been 2 long months, and i cant find a job outside retail to save my life. i have a job interview tomorrow for a job i dont want, with a big retailer. well, i know already i dont want the job, it will be a minimum of 50 hours a week, and anyone who has worked retail knows, you always end up work longer than you shift when you are salaried. plus, i will have to go to NJ (alone) for 2 weeks for a training thing. ugh. anyhow, he really wants me to take this job and i keep telling him i dont want it, but he is insisting i give it a shot, but i think he just wants the high income that will come wuith being retail management again vs. being a secretary somewhere. and on top of that, i am feeling so pressured by him, and feeling like i will never get any other kind of job that i went to my old retailer that i just left in march and asked for a job!

i just dont feel like he understands me. he cant believe i dont want the mgr. job. he doesnt understand my depression either. i have tried over and over to explain it. about 3 years ago, we were having this huge fight while i was in a deep pit of my depression. on my way to work that day, i fantasized about crashing my car on the interstate so i wouldnt have to go to work. and so i wouldnt have to deal with the marital problems we had been having. and it was hard, but i told him about it. and he stopped yelling at me and said that he couldnt live with a crazy person and he was leaving me! in my darkest hour, he was abandoning me. well, i freaked out and begged him to stay (thats a whole other issue). so i guess i had never really trusted him emotionally after that and it has really hurt our sex life.

but right now, since i have moved and not found a new job yet, i havent met any new people. so i have no contact with people except my DH. all my friends back home are too busy with theier lives to email or call me anymore. and when i call or email i get answering machines and no replies. i just feel alone. i miss my friends. i miss the warm north caolina weather. i miss my old house and yard. i miss the familar city. i feel trapped and alone way up here. i have so much more i need to say, but this is so long already. maybe i will try to email one of my friends again. thank you for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:07am




Sweetie!


Read my other post to you and know that you are not alone!

*hugs             

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:10am
My heart goes out to you!!!!

Hmmmm...I just don't know where to start, so my response might be a little convoluted...but I'll give it my best shot!

Homesickness - sucks!!!! I've been there! Have you gotten out and about in the community? Do you attend church? Maybe do some volunteer work? I know how hard it is, but please try and start making some friends in your new town! There's probably people out there who have been in a similar situation as you (moved to a new place) so they'd probably be very happy to get to know you, show you around town... You don't have to turn your back on old friends, but definitely try to make some new ones!!!!

Job - I've never worked retail, but I sure spend my share of years as a waitress! It's really hard to articulate the skills that you learned in one area that are transferrable to another area. Go to the unemployment office in your area. They usually have free services like career counseling, resume assistance, job search assistance, you can even usually use their fax machine to send out resumes! All for FREE!!!! Maybe try and sign up with a temp service? They can help you articulate those skills that you've learned in retail (personnel management, customer service,...ummm...sorry, I can't think of others because I wasn't in retail, but there has to be others!!!) What about teaching as a substitute? If you have your degree (or more than 60 credits), you can usually sign up to be a sub with local schools - they usually pay between $60-$100 per day! More if you get a longer contract for someone out for major surgery or maternity leave. If a retail job is NOT what you want, then DO NOT TAKE IT!!!!

Goals - SET SOME GOALS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where do you see yourself in one year? What did your dreams used to be? You said in your post that you gave up your dreams to follow your hubby. You know, sometimes we have to do that because marriage is a give and take, but now that he's out of school and gainfully employed IT'S YOUR TIME!!!!!!!! You deserve it!!!!!!

Husband - I've saved the best for last. I'm curious if you've ever considered marital therapy with your hubby? I have concerns that he threatened to leave...I know that sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment that they wish they could take back later, but leaving is a big thing to say. Calling you crazy is another big thing to say. Did he EVER apologize for those things? Have you ever told him how much those things hurt you? Have you both sat down and discussed goals/dreams/plans for the future? I'm not going to say everything I think I could say here, because I didn't get a complete picture of your marriage, but I think some therapeutic intervention would be a good thing!

If you ever need to talk, we're here!!!!!

((Hugs))

Tracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:43am
that does help caly, again thank you so much. :) i knew i remember who. i am feeling better this evening though. not much, but a little. my husband finally realized and accepted that i wont be taking the job i interviewed for today if they offer it to me. so that made me feel better. b/c the day before he was all but telling me i had to take it. i know i made him sound bad. he isnt really. he is a good guy, just not an emotional one. and i think he just really doesnt know how to handle me when i am like this. he is getting better at it though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:59am
tracie, thanks again for your time and response. i honestly think you may have one up on me if you worked restaurant. i dont know how you deal with people and food. i see how gross and messy people were in my store and we didnt serve food! lol. i think retail and food servise is hard. most people (at least in my experience) view retail workers, whether managers or just plain sales poeple, like second class citizens. like servants. dont wanna get into it. lol. but anyhow. i am going to try to get myslef back into the art community. find a place to take pottery classes or painting classes again. it took me a year to find them when i first moved to the south, but i wasnt looking that hard. :-/ but i vowed it wouldnt take me that long here. thank you for the job advice. i will be out of town to see my family back in OH next week, but as soon as i get back here, i will go check out temp agencies, i never even thought of that before. thank you! again, you really made a difference in my day. i read the replies from you and caly before i left for my interview today. it really made me feel better and supported. i had the best interview i have ever had, even thoughi wll be turing that job down if offered to me. but you guys made all the difference, and i really appreciate that. i will be hanging around here for awhile. again, i am so glad i found this place. :) *hugs* to you all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:59am




Hi again!


Im glad your DH is getting better 8-) ... as you find through out the posts here that we know Men react too and handle depression very differently then women, both in themselves and with dealing with others.

*hugs             

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:42pm
Well, I'm glad we could be of some help/support!

I think the biggest thing we face when we're depressed is feeling like we're the only ones who have ever felt that way! :)

And don't worry, I don't think anyone here thinks your hubby is a bad guy! I know that sometimes I'll post just after my hubby has made me CRAZY, and I'll (unintentionally) make him out worse than he is... I think we all do it! Marriage is HARD! We all find the ways that we deal with the stresses, the compromises (which ALWAYS seem like we're compromising MORE), the joys.... Marriage is tough, and you've made it through some very tough times! Supporting a spouse who's not working places an enormous amount of stress on us! But, now it seems like your hubby is ready to try therapy, ready to be a more "equal" partner in the workings of the marriage. Not that he wasn't before, but now he's working so it gives you a little time to re-realize those dreams, those wishes...

Take your time before accepting a job! Temp agencies are WONDERFUL! Don't hesitate to sign up with a couple different ones. There will be some short term assignments that will help you get to know the area, get to know the people, work on some office skills... Plus, sometimes they offer courses or free time on their computers to help you get your office skills up-to-par! Your customer service skills are already good and if you were a manager, then you can also manage people! :)

SOOOOOOOO glad to hear some excitement in your post about finding an art place! I think we all need to find something that just exists for the sole purpose of bringing us pleasure and happiness! If you're good at art, maybe you could call your community agencies (like the park and rec dept) about holding a pottery/art class for kids! If you don't like kids, then you could always go volunteer at some senior centers! Senior citizens always like to praise people and they make you feel good!


Definitely stick around!!!

Hope to hear more from you in the future!

Tracie