still need to talk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
still need to talk...
6
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 1:53am
sorry to make another long post. i just still need to talk and dont have anywhere else to go. so thank you in advance...

so my best friend in NC has made me feel really bad about my situation. and about me and the way that i deal with things, or maybe the way i dont deal with things. :-/ as i mentioned in my previous post, my husband and i have been having problems for years. but i cant tell if it is b/c i am unhappy with him, or if it is just that i am unhappy. and sometimes it has to do with him not being able to comprehend my affliction. i can rember being sad way before i was in high school. but one day really sticks out in my head. when i was 16, i remember sitting on my bed with my mom just crying my eyes out. and she didnt know what to do. and she wanted to know why and all that. and i just told her that i was unhappy. of course this broke her heart. and she just hugged me, what else could she do? ever since then, i knew i had problems. but most of the time, i could deal with them. i mean, i have always been sad, so i dont really know any other way to be, so i guess usually i cope. but as i got older, in my early twenties, i really got that feeling of hopelessness in addition to pervasive sadness. and thats when i started having suicidal thoughts. which i am always ashamed to admit to people, which i do incredibly rarely. (esp. since as i mentioned in my last post, that my husband threatned to leave me b/c i was "crazy") (he thinks psychology and psychiatry and therpay are a crock, btw) but even thoughi have had many of these episodes, i have always pulled through them, and always on my own, which in a way i am proud of. sometimes it makes me feel better knowing that i have that strength, even if sometimes i feel i dont. paradox. anyhow, so back to my point, did i have one? so i have been thinking of leaving my husband for several years now. i love him, but he makes me feel crappy sometimes, and he doesnt support me emotionally. in his defense, he has gotten a bit better. but i always have to get extreme for him to see we need work. at the beginning of march, i left him for 3 days. just left a note and split while he was at work. i ended up coming home and he finally said we would get marriage counselling. (i had been asking for 3 years but it took me leaving him for him to take it serious). i have to say that while does/says things that are mean, unsupportive etc. i am no angel. but sometimes i feel like i am provoked, and and i feel like i always need to be on guard. i always feel backed into a corner so my hair is always up and my claws always out. so we argue very easily. ugh. i even was going to go get therapy back in the fall. it was right around oct. i think, and was a few weeks away from defending his thesis and earning his phd. i told him i had left a message for a therapist and she would be calling me back. you know, just so he was in the loop. calling that therapist was one of the hardest things i have ever done. but he reacted terribly. he asked how could i do this to him? so close to his thesis defense! i was appalled! i was going through i very stressful time at work and we were having real problems. he calls me selfishall the time and he said what i was doing then (getting mental help during his thesis def. prep.) was very selfish! so i felt bad, as i always do when i do things for myself, and called and cancelled the appt.

so here i am, with him in VT with my friends and no emotional support system. after i had been here for 2 weeks, or maybe it was 3? i was IMing my girlfriend back home in NC and told her i was leaving him again. i had it all planned i was renewing my registration in NC online and i even was packing boxes. but when he came home, and i told him i was unhappy and going home to NC, he fought so passionately for me to stay saying this was our new fresh start and we hadnt even gotten a chance to start our counseling yet. he wore me down, and i stayed. again. she actually lectured me and told me she was tired of hearing me complain about him and me not being straong enough to follow through with my plans. i was so hurt, that she couldnt understand the paralyzing fear i feel everytime i face being alone and changing my life. i dont know. so now i dont feel like i can confide in her about certain things, i feel like she will judge me and lecture me. i told her i needed her support and not her lecturing and things between us have been a little off lately b/c of it. i am still hurt.

i am losing my train of thought, i appreciate you listening. maybe i will write more tomorrow.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 7:02am




((((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))))))


Im soo glad you are posting and I hope you are doing ok!


Sweetie, first and formost, if you want to see a Therapist that is NOT selfish! Wanting to get better and to work on what is bothering you is important for YOU!!

*hugs             

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:30am
Oh, sweetie...I can almost feel your pain coming through in your posts...

You really need to do something. Get help! Individual and couple's therapy is highly necessary! Have you made an appt yet? DO IT - NOW!

Get into therapy before you make any rash decisions. I'm not here to say that you shouldn't leave your hubby, because that's completely your decision...but do it after you at least start therapy. If you left now, and got a divorce, years down the road, would you feel like that was the right decision? Get some therapy first, discuss the options with a completely impartial third party!

Are you currently on any medications for your depression?

I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time, but I just thought that everyone had those thoughts. I'd always dream about how I would do it, thinking everyone did that...well they DON'T. My suicidal thoughts would just play through my head and play through my head, and I couldn't make them go away (I'm also a little obsessive). About three days after I started my medication, I couldn't keep a suicidal thought in my head if I tried - and I did try to keep the thought because I wanted to see if the medications were working - they were!!!!!

I suggest you talk to your doctor about your feelings...

Please, come back and post as many times as you need to!!!!! We're all here for you, we've all been under the black cloud and felt hopeless, but we're all still here!!!! Some days are better than others, but I think that I have a lot more good days now than I have bad days!!!!!! There IS HOPE!!!!!! I promise!

Tracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:25am
thank you so much for your support caly! it really made a difference in my day. thank you. as soon as i find a job i am going to find someone to talk to. i just barely have $$$ to pay my rent. anyhow. really, thank you so much. this is a wonderful place and i am thankful i found it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:31am
tracie,

thank you too! i really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me. it also made a difference in my day. i am not currently on any meds, i have never seen or talked to a dr. about these feelings. never been offically diagnosed. in part b/c of my DH and his thoughts on the matter. and my own fears. but i am getting past my own fears on the matter. anyhow. thanks again. i really truely appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:52am




Im glad I could help Rebecca and remember Im here if you need me!

*hugs             

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:48pm
You know...I had some problems with my hubby when I just started going to therapy. Also, back when we were first married, he would ask me all the time when I would be able to go off my medication... Because he never suffered from depression, he just doesn't understand. Oh, sure, he tries, and he tries really really hard, but that experience factor makes such a difference!

If you ever need to talk, we're all here for you!!!!

Think about therapy. Chances are that it would be shorter term, and would give you some skills to asert yourself and go after the things that you need.

Sometimes, our loved ones think that we're going to change into a different person during therapy, or that our therapist is going to blame EVERYTHING on our spouse... THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN. Maybe by having a discussion about your goals with therapy (becoming a happier person, better able to deal with life's stressors...) your hubby could understand that it's a good thing.

Keep coming back!!!

Talk to you soon!

Tracie