**TRIGGERS** LONG story, REALLY confused
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| Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:39pm |
I've started to realize that somethings wrong with me and something's always been wrong with me, but it's just recently that I've actually started to see it. My friends have looked at me and said what a strong and independent woman I am, but a lot of times, it's because I care too much of what people think so I put on this image so that people don't know that what's really going through my head. And most of the time, I feel that they tell me that to just encourage me to do better. In the past couple of months, I've been feel much more negative and never feel that I'm good enough, especially for my boyfriend. He's the GREATEST, and I feel that once he finds out all the bad thoughts that go on in my head, he's going to leave me. He's the only person I've told about these issues. Not only this, but I stress a lot in my life. All I do is worry. When I was in school, I did well for the first few years, then suddenly, I could barely pass my classes. I figured that was because my senior level classes got much harder. Thinking back now, I always conjure up these make believe scenarios, where, due to someone saying something to hurt me, I leave, take a walk, and hope that I get killed on the way so that the person can feel bad for hurting me. Sometimes, I just want to talk about it because I feel better when I do. My boyfriend is the only person I've ever told some of this to and I'd love to talk to him, but he works so much that all he does is sleep when he gets home and I don't want him to stay up to talk to me and be tired at work the next day. One day when I finally did tell him that I wanted to talk, his initial reaction was that he was tired and needed to get up for work the next morning. It wasn't until I started to just talk and cry and get upset that he took me seriously. I honestly feel that my boyfriend doesn't understand my feelings because he didn't grow up with problems the way I did. When I tell him this, he gets mad at me (I think it's more that he's frustrated that no matter what he does, I never feel better), and then I feel worse because he's mad at me. He's, by no means, a bad guy - he's great. He tries to listen to me and tries to support and comfort me, but since neither of us really know what's wrong with me, I don't think he knows how to deal with me to make me feel better. He makes me feel worse, but NEVER intentionally. I know it's me and how I am interpreting it :( Right now, I'm so confused. Maybe I'm just creating all this drama for myself. Whenever I tell people that I'm down (usually I only tell when it's something little), they tend to tell me that they have worse problems. That makes me feel like a whiny baby who can't handle a small bump in the road. There's SOOO much more I could say. I want to seek help, but I'm relocating in 3 weeks so I want to wait until then. I used to be really confident about myself, but I've had this consistant thought process where people are don't really like me and are just being nice, although I have tons of friends. I feel as if I've been hiding myself so that no one really knows what's going on. I'm so confused. I feel like I don't make any sense at all! In addition, I've recently started plucking my eyelashes and have bald spots on my eyelids :( I know I shouldn't but I can't help it sometimes. I know I'm getting a little OCD. Plus, I have IBS and anxiety attacks. Maybe I'm just complaining. I don't know. I think I could be depressed, but maybe I'm just making drama out of nothing. Please advise, I'd greatly appreciate any and all help. I don't want to feel like this. I'm afraid I'm driving away the one that I love the most.

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Sweetie, welcome to the board.
Thanks for the help! I felt better when you said you could see yourself years ago (I don't mean it as wishing unhappiness upon your or anything.). I've researched depression a bit and have taken a few surveys online, but even those are hard for me. Honestly, I feel as though I am so deep in my sad thoughts that I forget the time of day and don't remember how long I've been feeling this way. Not only that, but I'm not sure if I trust myself to be honest on those because I answer it thinking, "No, I'm not THAT bad" but then, maybe I am and I'm in denial?? I do know that one thing is consistant - those make believe scenarios and the no-one-likes-me-but-only-pretend-to feelings that I mentioned earlier have been going on since I can remember. I've always been extremely nice to people because I fear being made fun of or not liked. I'm a rollarcoaster though, because I often act as if I couldn't care less. Sometimes I feel that I only say it and exhibit it on the outside just in hopes that if I said it enough, I'd soon believe it.
I've analyzed my own thoughts and have my own beliefs on why I think the way I do, but I have no clue how to change that. I've been taking some meds for my IBS but that's about it. I just graduated college (after a huge struggle to finish) and don't have medical insurance. My IBS was actually diagnosed by my sister's husband who's a doctor and he got the meds for me. Another thing that's also happened in the past couple of years is that I've been getting anxiety attacks, or so I think. Luckily, I start a new job in 3 weeks (hence, why I'm relocating) and they supposedly have great medical coverage. It's an awesome job and I should be so happy, but sometimes, I just feel like calling them up and declining the offer and just hide out at my mom's house.
Today, my mom and sister are much better although I think that we've all suffered depression. I really do feel much better being able to spill this all out, but I'm still bothered :'( With my bf, I've told him how I just need to hugged and kissed when I cry and complain, but I think he forgets. He always tries to "solve" my problems, and it always ends up in an argument because a lot of times, I'm not even sure why I feel like this. Thank you, I TRULY appreciate the feedback. Any and all is always welcome.
i also know what its like to put up the strong woman front while inside you are just a mess and feel weak most of the time. thats been me in a nut shell since high school. its hard to keep that up though, isnt it? if you ever want to talk, please feel free to email me. :) since i am still unemployed, i have nothing but time.
you mentioned you were relocating, where are you going?
Thank you for kind words :) I'm feeling much better today, but we'll see. Little things set me off. I talked to my sister about this for the first time last night. She had post-partum depression for quite a while. At first, she didn't seem to respond well. She just kept saying, "No you're not depressed. I was depressed, you don't know what it is." Well, after telling her how I had been thinking, she finally realized that I was serious. My bf is still a challenge though. Sometimes when I tell him how sad I am regarding something he says or does, all he wants to do is leave (not leave me, but just be away for a bit). While I understand, it's tough because when I tell him this, all I really want is more love and attention, but he walks away and it makes me feel worse. I'm sorry if I'm just going off and whining about all this. I guess I'm just looking to find a place to "belong." It's really nice to know that there are people who understands these feelings, without me having to get frustrated for not getting it.
Right now, I'm living in California, about 20 mins outside of San Francisco. I'll be relocating to LA. I'm orginally from San Diego. What else makes me sad too, is that I'll be leaving my boyfriend here, although he promises that he'll do all he can to move out there with me. Thank you again for all your responses! I'm still feeling lost, but at least I'm not as lost as before.
Honey, I send you lots of gentle cyberhugs!