I hate myself today **venting bad**

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
I hate myself today **venting bad**
9
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:39am
Hi all,

Today I am so angry with myself...I have been crying on and off all day and I just hate myself. I am so awful to my 3 year old son and sometimes I think maybe he and my daughter would be better off without me. This thinking go me admitted to the mental health ward at the local hospital last time. Maybe I should go back...but, my hubby is going out to sea in a week and we can not have me having a nervous breaksown again. I wish I wasnt feeling this way. I dont want my childern in a foster home mostly here in Florida because, I heard it was simply awful here

We just moved and once again I am just overwhelmed with stuff. Everytime we move my hubby leaves. He alwso doesnt help me with anything. He did help move out but, the back pain I have it is hard for me to do alot. So once again he will leave me in a mess...

I want to ask something. My pregnacy was very hard and I was miserable during that I even went back to cutting myself. I could not take any anti depressants and I had a back injury from a car accident I experiance in my first 12 weeks of pregnancy. I could not take anything but Tynonal for the pain which didnt work so well. I cried and yelled at my son alot. I even hit him...Do you think my depression has effected my son even now. I cry, yell and say awful things to him. So I get him psychological help also since I proberly damaged him for life!!

Right now I dont feel so well...I am going to see a doctor again today because, of my back and I feel a lump in my throat. I have lower belly pain, fatigue and a sharp pain in my head and ears....I just feel phyically bad.

I just needed to vent...and thanks...

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 10:56am
Hi Beth...

I have a few questions for you so if you would like to answer them that is great if not please do not feel pressured to answer them it is your choice I just want to ask them to get a better feel for things before I try to give you some insight...

Are you taking meds now?

Are you seeing a therapist of a pdoc?

With your child have you tried to just walk away from him go into the bathroom or go into the bedroom and beat up a pillow?

what kind of things do you say to your child?

how often do you hit your child?

The reason for the questions is that after my ex and I broke up I had custody of our son and I sank into such a dark place that I thought of suicide alot....

I took out all my frustration on my son when I should have taken it out on his dad since his dad didnt send me any kind of child support didnt call his son nothing but I could not gret in touch with his father Jakobs fathers new girlfriend would hang out up me when I tried to call my car almost got repoed because his father left me our son and a whole bunch of bills that I could not pay so my life was hell for a long time...

I started to yell at my son and I hit him kicked him once my son became afraid of me and refused to go near me at all..that is when I realized that I needed to find somethig better for my son and he now lives with his father and his step mother whom I love to death we all worked thru our issues with one another and are friends now but it took me 5 years to realize that I was punishing my son when I should have said something to his father...maybe you could try to do the same if you have not yet already done so....

I am paying now for what I did then I still can not get it out of my head and I hate myself for what I did to my angel face and he has problems he sees a shrink and is only 6 he is on meds and he has a hard time right now with life and I blame myself for it....

None of our lives are easy none of us are perfect and we can only do the best we can with what we have but we have no right to take it out on the innocent I know that from experiance....

Please look into something that will help you and your children things will be fine and will work out for you but you have got to put the children first...

I am sorry if I sound harsh that is not what is meant to come out of my mouth and not my intention and please do not think I am being mean that is not it eather I just know where you are right now I was there before and I do not want to see someone make the same mistake I did.

Please take care of yourself and your family.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:29pm
Hi Erin,

thank you for responding to my post. I did try to write you a privite message but, it was returned to me saying deliverly failure. So I will not go into the detail that i did.

You are very right about "Childern coming first"...because they do and I love both of my childern with all of my heart.

I do have a psychologist but, I only see him twice a month. He just manages my medication and I do not have a counselor. My doctor is Navy and I am not sure if I can afford to go out the Navy system. I am going to talk to him about this when I see him. I been without my meds for 3 weeks because, he only gives me meds for 2 weeks or to whenever I am to see him next. To make sure I come back and get the one on one time with him. Since they are cutting back on some programs for the government. His workload is heavy and it is hard to see him.

I am more of a yeller then a hitter but, when I do hit him I carry alot of guilt. I do have alot of anger and I am not sure what that is from. Maybe it is my husband for being gone alot but, that isnt his fault he is in the Navy and that is what happens.

Right now I have to call my husband and I do wanna thank you for your comments but, I do understand.

Thanks

Beth



Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:25pm
Dear Beth,

I, too, have had the guilt of not treating my daughter (7) the way I feel I should. I get mad at her when she is not perfect and, at 7, she isn't a lot of the time. I have less patience when I am feeling depressed or in physical pain, which is normal. A psychiatrist asked me the following: have her teachers said anything? What does your dh think? Is she having trouble in school? The answers are that she's doing very well in school, is very attached to me and my dh doesn't think there's a problem. I have also spanked her, which I never thought I would do, but it's just one spank and then I feel terrible. Is this what you mean when you say you hit him? Is he attached to you and does he seem well adjusted? These are the things that I think you need to answer yourself.

BTW, nobody's a perfect mom! Your depression can also make you feel that you are worse than you really are.

~Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 6:55pm
Erin, I have been trying to follow a rule of a friend of mine when it comes to dealing with my children The rule is STOP---Stop-Take a breath-Open your mind-Proceed.

You might try it. It keeps me from getting quite as angry. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:52pm
Hi Beth. Thank you for being so honest about yourself. I can gaurantee that BOTH of your children are very very affected by everything that goes on. What they see creates who they are (I believe that anyway). Please go to a therapist and try to find ways to heal instead of taking it out on your children. I know you are suffering a lot. Please take care of yourself. If you do not love yourself, it will be hard to show love to others. Your children need you and your husband. It is too bad that your husband is not more supportive. I think a restructuring of the family dynamics is really important.

Please do things to help with your anger such as:

- Going for walks

- Drinking water

- Writing in a journal

- Talking to someone who is a good listener such as a therapist, friend, the board, family

Please try and have a sit-down conversation with your husband and tell him that you would like to try and have some special time alone with him, like a date night sometimes. I hope he will be up for it, because it seems like you and him are emotionally detached from one another. Both your children are definitely hurting from the relationship b/w you and your husband, and from both your behaviour as well as your husband's. Good or bad, they will be affected by it.

If you feel overwhelmed with the children and feeling down, perhaps telling them "Mommy is feeling a little sad right now, can I have a hug?" or something...However I dont know if that is healthy either...I would ask a therapist. Please get help. You can do this. All the best of luck to you. HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 9:06pm
Hi Beth,

I put off reading this thread, because I knew it would hit close to home in some way... but I'm glad I did. I think that depression leads us to take out our anger on the wrong people. I'm guilty of that too. I know there are times when I just lose it on my boys, 5 & 3. At that age I shouldn't expect as much as I do from them. But I'm a child of an alcoholic and thus I try to be perfect (if I'm perfect, then he won't drink... etc.). And I guess I expect those around me to be perfect too. I freak out when my husband gets angry or frustrated with anything. It just upsets me so much... yet I can flip out in a moment... I'll feel like my head is just going to explode.

Well I should say I did feel that way. I've been better lately. I spoke to my Pdoc about it and she prescribed Buspar for anxiety. I never thought of anxiety that way, but it really does help. I thought of anxiety as nervousness or something like that. I'm much more tolerate of the kid's behavior these days. I also notice that it's worse when I don't get enough sleep. Try to get a good night's rest, even if that requires taking a sleep aid. Go to bed when the kids do and let the dishes sit, etc.

So maybe when you do see the doc you can ask him about Buspar. They have a website too, www.buspar.com. Also make it clear to him that you need enough meds to get you to the next appointment with him! He should know that. I don't care how busy he is, you should be able to stop by the office and pick up a script for enough meds to get to the next appointment! The meds aren't going to help you if you keep running out of them.

Hang in there and know you are not alone. My therapist suggested that I say, "Mommy needs a time out" and send myself to my room when I get out of control. You might try that especially when your DH is home and can handle the kids for a while.

{{{{{BETH}}}}}

Lee Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 10:06pm
Hi Lee Anne,

Thank you so much for your post. It sounds like we have alot in commen as far as our histories go and how we handle things.

I am a child of a alcoholic and I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I expect my son to be perfect. That was just a good harsh look at reality and I think you.

I did get to see my psychologist on Wednesday and it was good session. He did put me on a medication called "Clonazepam" which is something I need to sign for so I guess that means it is pretty addictive. He told me that the medication is only temperary till I get over my anxity attacks. They got really bad and I fall apart on Monday to the point I felt like dying...He told me this med starts immeditatly.

He also told me that I had a borderline personality and he told me the source of that illness is anger. I have alot of it....

It has been very hard to deal with it since my daughter was born because, she was born with a kind of a birth defect which she had a kidney that had another on growing on top of it and it had two of everything making her have alot of kidney infections and when she was 2 weeks old she almost died. They told me she would have if I was a day later....

She been in and out of the hospital during from when she was a newborn to a infant. She has had three surgeries on top of that. When she gets sick I kinda have a major anxity attack because, I don't want her in the hospital again. She is now 14 months and stills gets them and I still feel like it is my fault and I feel very usless. To be honest the depression is worst but, you know as a child of a alcoholic it seems we blame ourselves for everything...

I think that is why I get so angry and my son Ben...My healthy child...I hate myself for it. He is just a baby too...Well he is 3 but, he is still a baby to me...I love him soooo much.

Sorry about that but, just writing makes me feel better....

(((((((((((((((((Lee Anne)))))))))))))

P.S

I love your name. I wanted to name my daughter Lee Anne...Instead we named her Barbara Leanna. Barbara is my sisters, aunts, and grandmothers name...and I got Lee Anne but, my hubby liked the name Leanna...It is close...

Once again...Thank you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 5:28pm
Hi again Beth,

I just posted to your above thread about your husband, but I forgot to mention some stuff, cause it was in this post! :-)

I wish there was a magic wand to take away the anger and pain you feel over your daughter's illness/birth defect. My daughter Julia was stillborn at 33 weeks, due to the cord being wrapped around her neck. I have felt a lot of pain and anger over that in the past 7 years. So I somewhat see what you are going through. As hard as it is to do, you can't blame yourself for your daughter's illness. I blamed myself for a long time about Julia's death. I should have known something was wrong, etc. But I didn't and I couldn't have and I have to stop beating myself up for it. You too, your daughter's kidney isn't your fault. And we can't put our kids in a plastic bubble and protect them from all the colds, etc. out in this world. You are doing the best that you can.

Yes, Ben is still a baby. And yes we both have to try harder to remember that about our kids! My Ryan is 3. He's an absolute hoodlum! Does not listen, does the opposite of what you ask, and makes me see red... but he's also a little love and gives the cutest kisses (he grabs my face and turns my head to kiss my cheek!). That's why I suggest the "Mommy's time out". So you can gain control of yourself. We're the grownups, they aren't. I have to remind myself of that everyday. Yesterday we were at a picnic and the family has an above-ground pool. There's Ryan taking their river stones from around the pool, about the size of a baseball to softball and throwing them in the pool!!! He was spanked once by my husband, did it again, then spanked by me and did it again! Three times he's dumping these rocks in the pool and all I can think of is, I'll be buying them a liner tomorrow! But the owner, our friend Ron, just laughed it off! It's ok, he's just a kid...

Thanks for your mention of my name. I've never really liked it! :-) I was suppose to be named Julie Beth! (Love that name!!!) But my brother made a sign for my dad to bring to the hospital to my mom and Lee Anne was on it, so I guess he named me! (They had been going back and forth between the two) People always drop the Anne and then I get mail to Mr. Lee A. etc.! I was even notified that I didn't register for the draft! I wanted to send them a picture! Hello! I'm a girl! LOL! Barbara is a pretty name, it's nice to name your child after relatives, we did that with our boys' middle names.

Take care, and please post, I'll listen!

{{{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}

Lee Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:52pm

Can't help but stick my oar into this discussion.

AcornLeaves