confession of very bad behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
confession of very bad behavior
6
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:28am


Hi Ladies.....

I am typing this to you all because I can not keep it in any longer,

I slipped this past weekend...lNo Cocaine no cutting nothing like that but I am on this stuff called skelaxin for my head problems well I took two of those they are a type of muscle relxer went out had a few drinks I just wanted to be numb with all the crap going on with me my family my sister ect...Ijust didnt want to feel for a while..I know I could have gotten really sick andI took a risk but I know I messed up I know I did wrong I know I was weak and I saw Jason also and stayed at his house not all night just long enough I am sure you all know what I mean..

Just wanted some attention I have been so empty for o long I just wanted to feel wanted and needed and I dont know I just wanted something but the sad thing is I dont feel bad about being with jason I dont have that usual guilt feelig that overcomes my entire body I dont really feel anything...he asked me why I dont have a boyfriend I told him I was waiting for him...we went back and forth stuff like that the thing is I do care for him I have been going back and forth with him like this for almost 3 years now I told him that sometimes we dont see what is right in front of us until it is gone he didnt say anything just looked at me so I did what I went there for and left went home and went to bed.....

now I am just numb again waiting to hear about my MRI and now the blood work...

I am not sad or angry or any of those things I just dont know what I am I know I am empty I know that something is missing from my life, and I know that I am the only one who can find out what is missing and then fill that hole...

My sister went off on my the other day telling me that I was not a mother and that I gave up my son and that I should not try now to be a mother that I am pathetic a liar ect.....Ik know she said those thing just to hurt me because she is hurt right now after all she is the one who supported my decision to have jakob move with his dad so I am trying to not be angry or hurt but it just makes me laugh how your family can be your worst enemy because they know what to say and what buttons to push...

I go to therapy tomorrow I need to have a long talk with Marnie about all of this..

Okay I babbled long enough thanks for listening to me

Love you all

Erin

Avatar for tmccray
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:44am
You know what I'm thinking...why do you take the calls from your sister? If she were just an acquaintance, would you put up with her BS? I certainly hope not! You do not have to put up with her BS either, just because she's family - so what? Families can be toxic and she needs to quit it!

Hmmm...the jason aspect...sometimes we do what we need to do. I've done it, we've probably all done it! Don't feel guilty, because we as women have physical needs, too! Sex is a great big mix of intimacy, closeness, tenderness, touch, acceptance...there's lots of good there. My only concern is that you're carrying a torch for someone who is not going to be there for you during the long haul...you know?

Glad an appt is coming up! Talking to that third party person who's not involved is incredibly helpful!

Finally - QUIT MIXING YOUR MEDS WITH ALCOHOL!!!!!

I'm here if you need me!

Tracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 1:24pm




(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Erin)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


We all make mistakes sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:46pm
Erin,

I recently slipped as well. I had two pints of Ben and Jerry's last night. Two pints! Do you have any idea how many calories that is? But I don't feel guilty either.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about, Sweetie. You are single. Jason's single. You haven't hurt anyone. Sometimes we just need to feel something. I think that was a much healthier choice for you than to do drugs or cut yourself. Sex is a normal, healthy part of being human. The main thing is taking care of yourself. If you don't feel badly about the situation, than there is no harm to yourself. You obviously have some feelings for this man. Woman cannot live just on work, sleep, and working out. Sometimes you need to cut loose. If this is something that you don't want to do again, you can make that choice in the future.

All My Best,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:11pm
HUGS ERIN.

Everyone else has beaten me to a good response, so just letting you know you've got my support should you want it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:58pm
Same here...I know I haven't been around much, but I read your post, Erin, and wanted to let you know that you have my support. I don't think you did anything "very bad" with Jason, but the mixing of meds and alcohol does scare me a bit. I know I'm just repeating what others have said, so I'll sign off...hang in there, though, and I'll be hoping that your test results come out fine.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 11:25pm
oh, sweetie. i am sorry you are feeling so icky right now. i know how much sometimes you want someone to hold you and it ends up being something else which actually makes you feel worse later. sometimes i try to get hugs from my mom (when i see her) and my friends instead! everyone slips- and i have done the same "really bad" things that you have and slipping a little bit happens and is nothing to feel guilty about. sometimes drinking, boys, and other things make us feel better in the short term and worse or just don't help in the long run- but that doesn't mean we don't still need them sometimes. trust me, i've been there. i know things are tough right now, but they will get better. that is so mean of your sister. families can totally be your worst enemy. i think in both of our cases our enemy list is 1. ourselves 2. some people in our family. my dad said something the other day and i have been upset ever since- even though i know to ignore him and not care about his opinion- it doesn't always work like that! i think it was really brave of you to let jakob go off with his father and you are such a loving mother and obviously love jakob like crazy and want him to have all of the best things in the world. that is what a good mother is. when are your results coming back from your mri and tests? i am worried about you- i want to hear the results!