Kinda rantin' but question too

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Kinda rantin' but question too
8
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 5:12am
Has anyone ever heard of the Janus heads(two heads, usually male, facing opposite directions)? That's how I feel lately...just stumbled upon the right expression until now. I don't mean I feel like two mens' heads (lol) just the forwards/backwards part of it. Looking into the past, my gods, some of the dreams I've had lately..old friends that were hard let go but missed still subconsciously; the EX oh, the BIG EX-sex dreams:* it makes me remember the times we were fervent w/ each other...I need to NOT think about him that way; of flying in a plane, which I don't like at all, being of the nature of 'if we were made to fly, we would have been made w/ wings'. I think the last one had to do w/ seeing the movie on cable "divine secrets of the ya ya sisters" or something like that...a girl in there flew in a old prop plane..you know no windows really..you open air..you could fall!!! EEEKKKK! Not for me, ok?

Anyway, I digress...I felt like writing tonight and figured this particular topic is revelent to somebody else besides me..the issue of looking back and forward. So if anyone has gotten this far through this, bear with me but a few more lines...and reply back if u want.

I feel like I need to burn all my old stuff and start completely fresh again. I know the burn thing isn't a good idea, but it's the sybmolism of the thing you see. The past seems to haunt me in odd fragments...makes me think bad thoughts. But I'm trying so hard to plan for my future..job, savings, and back home to ak.

So my question to anyone else..or comments is about the whole Janus thing. How do you stop the constant bicker between the past and the future? The chorus of demons and the choir of angels are noisy! And by chorus I'm mean GREEK CHORUS..masks and everything. LOL

As I side note...I was in the car the other day by myself, sitting in a parking lot deciding whether or not to go in; I felt so insecure about people looking at me that to "distract them" while I sat in the car, I picked up my cell phone and put it to my ear. I talked to myself to the CELL PHONE!!! Laugh if you want, it IS funny...but also terribly sad too. I manifested my "other voice" into the cell, like oh, they've got call waiting!!!! ROFL I'm laughing now writing it to you, so feel free.

Anyway, I hope someone else will at least read this, if not reply back.

hugs...don't think i'm too weird ok?

Avatar for simonepar
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:26am
Can u ask ur "friend" on the phone to call back.u have an incoming message......lol!!I'm sorry but it was funny......& very sad too.How amazing is this??that movie u mentioned is on my telly RIGHT NOW!!!.....

Do u have any friends at all??can u call someone or meet someone for a coffee??........Just like in the movie ur problem can only be solved by communication.I for one don't understand/know why u are depressed,sad....You need to offload all that bad memories & start a fresh..maybe a bonfire is not such a bad idea!!!

~Simone~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:36pm
Your post was very interesting. To me it sounds like you are just tired of trying to move ahead. The past may seem simplier, but you really know it wasn't and you don't want to regress. Can't move forward, can't move back. I think you are moving forward it just may be in tiny steps so it doesn't seem like you are gaining ground. But trust me, keep forging ahead, step by step. Before you know it you will be where you want to be and will forget how long it actually took you to get there. I know I am good at not thinking of the past and then BAM I dream about it. uugghh!! Then it feels like I have to start over, but each time I have those dreams it takes a little less time to forget those dreams on move on with my tiny steps. Hope this helps a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:45pm
I think that thus far you have gotten great replies to what you posted....

And I am going to admit to you this I have doen the cell phone thing if I have to walk intoa crowd by my self to eather meet someone or if I am going it alone and to be honest more poeple looked at me talking on my phone than if I just walked in normally...so I do not do that anymore....

as for the two heads I totally understand what you are talking about I have such a hard time forgetting the past and moving on with my life so I am a tiny baby step person when it comes to moving forward..I have the issue with the past becuase it reminds me of when I was happy but I aso hold onto the painful stuff also kind of a way to show myself that I do not deserve to be happy even though I know now that I do deserve to be happy as much as everyone else does...what I did was box up alot of those reminders of the past put them in my basement which I never go into and that way they are not easy for me to get to and I tend to not think about it that much, I also had two pictures of my evil ex roommate Luis so my best friend and I each took a picture and burned them, you see they were on a roll of film that I just got developed of him and his dog so it helped so much to get rid of him so I agree with the burning thing but if you want to get rid of everything it may not be such a great idea I would just toss it all in the trash and be done with it out of sight out of mind so to speak...

I hope that I have been of some use to what your question was....

Hang in there

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 3:23pm
I can tell you that I am the WORST at giving up the past. It's like I think that I am my past. I ruminate for months and on and off for years. The past seems more real to me than the future. I tend to mistake what has happened to me ånd who I've lost for who I am.

I'm a big practicer of the burning thing. After my ex boyfriend told me he was getting married, I tore up all of his pictures and burned them in my fireplace. Then I wrapped up the ring he gave me (not an engagement one or even worth much) and beat the daylights out of it with a hammer. That felt GREAT!

I also help exorcise myself of people by taking their pictures out of my scrapbook. Sometimes I just cut the part of the picture with me out of a photo and throw their part away. Then I arrange the pictures of me in a collage in my scrapbook, so it isn't so obvious. See, you aren't the only one who does silly things!

I've learned that part of breaking from the past is forcing myself to stop thinking about it. I realized through therapy that nothing makes us think about things, but we can either let ourselves think about something or stop ourselves from thinking about it and focus on something happier instead.

Cogntive Therapy is very helpful in changing what you think about. The best book that I know about how to do it is called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. It tells you step-by-step ways to change how you think about life.

The dream thing sucks. Just when I think I've gotten my ex out of my mind, I have a dream about him, his stupid new wife and his stupid new baby. It is like starting over again after that. But I just remind myself of all of the awful things about him. There were a ton of them! Focusing on someone's bad points is the best way I know to get over them. Girlfriends can help you if you ask them to. They usually remember every bad thing about your ex that you ever told them, and some stuff that you never even saw!

On the sex front, that's a hard one. My ex and I had a very intense relationship. He still comes to mind in that arena for me. It feels sad and tragic to me still. I just try to think about the way he was bad in that arena too. I notice that I tend to idealize how people in the past were and compare them to the realism of the present. It's an illusion, though. It was never perfect in the past.

Good Luck,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:08pm
Actually, I only have one friend I can call, but she is back home in AK and can't always get a hold of her. I have been depressed off and on since I was 16; this latest bout has to do with ending a 7yr relationship with my first true love and to be honest, lots of family issues. You might want to read some other posts by me for background if you want further details, here or on the Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board. Offloading all the bad memories would be wonderful, know a good lobotomist? he he

Thanks for laughing back at me...it does help to have somebody else to do that. Most of the jokes around here(home) fall flat on everyone. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:13pm
Thank you for the encouragement. I guess I just get impatient with those darn baby steps, being an adult and all. :) Haven't dreamed about the ex in a couple of sessions now, so I hope he can just stay out of them for awhile. Though that may be hard with his bday being tomorrow...I would love to call and torture him, and myself. But no, must be the stronger person...MUST MUST MUST.

"Those who do not understand the past are doomed to repeat it" or something like that. Got that quote in 8 grade Social Studies.

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:23pm
Thank you Erin. At least I know I'm not the only one who's done the cellphone thing!! I have all pictures of him put away in rubbermaids so I don't have them out. But I screwed myself bad in one way worst of all...when we saw each other last, almost a year ago, I told him that whenever he missed me, just look in the mirror at his eyes and he would see me there. We have almost identical eye colors; so any time now that I really look at myself in the mirror, I remember what I said and can't help but see him there too. ARGGHH!!

In the past, I've burned things of him, and stuff he gave me. But now I only have a few things left besides pictures, and I don't want to part with them, b/c they're cool and I do still think of him when I wear them(jewelry) but the actual thing itself is beyond him in meaning. I had also a couple of months ago done a scrapbook project of him and I and our trip to Hawaii, which included pictures of my grandma, so I can't destroy that either.

But that too is put away out of sight. I will try to forget, but there is a lot to forget and it will take time.

SIGH!!!

hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 6:30pm
I wish I could remember any way he was bad in bed! But I can't honestly think of anything I didn't like! The one thing I do remember is when we first kissed, he was horrible! I soon fixed that though. The cutting out of him in pictures might be something that I can do later, but right now I think that would hinder more than help. Almost everything else I have burned or destroyed except for a few pieces that have more value to me than just his giving them. But those aren't the things I want to destroy---my bedspread,since he was on it; my clothes I wore when I saw him last; anything material that reminds me of him, including tons of music and movies. It's just too much stuff! I can't even enjoy basketball and football as much, b/c we watched it sooo much together. ARGGGHH!

Life goes on, I know this. My mantra has included many wise sayings...just need to hammer them in until I believe!

hugs