newbie really needs advice/support (long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
newbie really needs advice/support (long
5
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:13pm
Hi. I'm new to this board, but I've been on others...please bear with me.

I'm having a really, really hard time right now. I feel like I've totally wrecked my life.

Here's the story: I've suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life (the depression started before the anxiety) I've had a really big problem with holding down a full-time job/handling stress on the job. For many years, I was either in school or part-time employed. I went for therapy for a number of years, but was only briefly on meds. Late last year, I found a job as a bank teller. This was far from my first choice (I had been working in education), but due to problems with the job market (and my illness), I had been unable to find anything full-time in the field I trained in. I loved my part time job, and it was heartbreaking to leave, but I went to the bank out of financial necessity. During the same week I started my job, my father went in the hospital for an operation. I was depressed and anxious from day one. It seemed so fast-paced, and I have some math anxiety and a dislike of the business world. I tried to get help for how I felt, but initially I didn't have any insurance, so I tried to go to someplace with sliding scale. I was put on their waiting list--and waited...and waited...and waited. Then I became so bad I was suicidal, so I tried to get an appointment with the sliding scale place. They didn't have one, but I was referred to a temporary therapist through the suicide prevention program. He saw me for a while; I didn't get meds. Initially, I didn't want them, but later I kind of did. Anyway, I decided to try to go back to my old (part time) job. My old employer welcomed me back. I quit my bank job and went back to my part time job. I thought it would make me better, but it didn't. I've really been kicking myself because I got insurance shortly before I quit the bank, but I was too depressed and anxious to hang on any longer.

Quitting decreased my anxiety for the notice period and a few days afterwards, but then I got very anxious and depressed again. I now have major money worries due to the fact that I'm making less (and paying for COBRA), but I feel I need the COBRA. I saw a psychiatrist last week and he gave me Paxil, but I had a bad reaction and had to go off it after four days because the side effects were so bad. I'll be seeing him again tomorrow, and we'll discuss other treatment options.

What I really want to know is: how do I forgive myself for quitting a job that was a better deal financially (but that I didn't like)? How responsible am I for what I did? I feel like what I did is unforgiveable. I've been unable to forgive myself, and it's really making the anxiety and depression worse. I don't know how to move on from this. My psychiatrist said that when people are feeling anxious and depressed, they'll do *anything* to make themselves feel better.

I hope you don't think I'm a total idiot for what I did. Thanks for listening, and I'll appreciate any advice you give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:23pm

Welcome, Saturn 42!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 8:33am
No, the sliding scale place I tried to get into was run by the county of the state I live in. That's why the wait was so long.

I never heard of Catholic Charities. I'll have to look and see if there are any in my area.

I had a rather bad night (didn't sleep well), but I see my psychiatrist today. I just need to hang on until then.

Thanks for your reply/support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:03am




Hi Sweetie!


Welcome to the board!

*hugs             

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 6:47am
Saturn42,

Do not blame yourself for what you did!! You have to do what is best for your mental and emotional health and that does not always fit in with our financial needs. I moved to England with my husband 18 months ago. I was the only one working in the house as he was a full-time student trying to finish his degree. I took a job as a Hotel Manager straight away but had to quit a month later because the job was so horrible. I just couldn't stand it! The people there were awful, the General Manager was a total idiot and he wanted me to work way too many hours and stay overnight in the hotel. All of which was never discussed in the interview.

I felt so bad about quitting that job as it was decent money and since then I have had to go to being a secretary. But at the end of the day i have to remind myself that had I stayed the rest of me would have suffered horribly as would my marriage due to the unreasonable hours.

You do what you have to in order to make life bearable. Everyone is different and you have to make decisions based on your needs. You are not an idiot!!!!!!!

Please take care and hugs and encouragement your way!

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:39pm
HI

I'm a newbie too...as a matter of fact I signed up today because I am having such depression and anxiety. Interesting enough I quit my job last week - a job I had for 12 years had excellent benefits and a good salary to go to another job that I thought would be better. When I got to the new job I was so overwhelmed I worked 2 days and had to take the rest of this week off...I just couldn't stop crying and still can't - really having a difficult time. I have also suffered from depression/anxiety for most of my life...and thought I had it under control and wham it hit me...Dr.'s suggested that when in stressful situation I am more apt to trigger the depression...

But, we must have made the decision to leave the jobs for some reason that was important to us...we can do this...we just have to take one day at a time and take care of ourselves. Are you eating, sleeping and walking? I am trying to do those things...as best I can - really can't eat now but am trying to eat fruit or something evey few hours just to keep something in my stomach - probably lost 10 pounds this week already...

This just gets so frustrating...I also went to college but had to drop out so many times I ended up working and going to school weekends to get my degree later...

Please know that you are allowedto make decisions that you think will benefit your life - and if we find out that the decisions that we made were wrong we can deal with them then...you did nothing wrong...and you should not feel guilty...you are doing your best and that is all that you can do...hang in there...we are going to make it.

Julie