How to handle the In Laws
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| Sun, 05-30-2004 - 9:00am |
Why? My boyfriends parents are here. I have NO problem with his dad...great guy, good personality, good sense of humor...sometimes likes to argue too much but he also knows when to stop...
Mom on the other hand...they showed up yesterday morning. It was the first time she had seen the house my BF bought that we both moved in to. We have done a lot of work and have been very careful at decorating. If we have a painting for example, we are not just going to hang it up but wait until we find the best spot for it. She walked around my house and did not give me one compliment! NONE. Not even very nice. My aunts and my mother and her friends come to see my house and always say what a great job we've done. Maybe their lying, who knows, but dont you say something? This really hurt my feelings.
I guess I was looking for approval or something. I had made sure everything was spotless!
When she came I was in the middle of making a potatoe salad for a picnic tonight. She told me that the potatos I was using were not really meant for salads that I should have bought X type. Oh Ok I said. What was I going to do...I am no Martha Stewart and have a 10 lb bag of potatos that I need to work with. Well guess what. SHE TOLD ME 5 MORE TIMES!!! I also put the pot of potatoes on the stove on the wrong burner...blah blah blah
I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. My feelings were soo hurt that it took me 6 hours to finish the salad. Why? Because I was too scared to work while she in my kitchen in fear she would criticize me for how I was cutting the veggies or something.
His dad owns a carpet store. She mentioned to me if there was anything I wanted to let them know. I said ok Thank you, I think we are good for now. This morning at breakfast she goes -- Abbey wants a new oriental rug. I was mad. STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH. I said -- I did not say that. I said we were good with what he had and that we have other things to worry about and the rug is the least of them.
I do not know what to do. Thank God they live in NY and we live in CT. How do I deal with them without getting depressed and upset?
Thank You,
Abbey

Hugs, Brenda
Abbey!
I wish there was a magic pill for Mother in Laws! Or any inlaws for that matter!
*hugs
You are so much nicer than I am! I would have told that woman that actually any kind of potato works just great, and if she wasn't going to make herself useful by helping make the salad, then she should go relax with her son.
Or something more insulting.
Of course, I have a big mouth and speak my mind when people are rude. To me life is about being kind and supportive. I know that I'm good at that. But when people aren't that way back, well they will generally not like my response.
I can't say that I'm a good person to look to when it comes to in-laws or bad relatives in general. With my ex-husband, I got along quite well with his mom, but his dad and I had a lot of tension. I never actually had confrontation with his parents, but there was so much tension. Sweet as his mom was, she was always in our business. It was very irritating. When she first found out we were dating, she actually asked her son how many men I had slept with in my life!
Some people don't have a sense of kindness and common decency. It sounds like your guy's mom has major boundary issues. In addition, she sounds like she is in competition with you and wants to feel she is in control. That's common with mothers. My opinion (take it or leave it) is that it's important to set boundaries with someone like that. You can react to statements such as her saying that you wanted an oriental rug by saying in a pleasant voice, "I never said that. I don't want one." Then give a big smile!
I think that when people make themselves that difficult to be with, you can mostly avoid being with them. If they come to town, you can conveniently be out of town or doing something else. That's what I do when my current husband's domineering oldest son comes to town. Can't stand him. Don't expose myself to him.
Remember that if something doesn't act with basic manners, it isn't personal against you. Don't bend over backwards trying to get this woman's approval. You never will. If you can give a big smile while setting your boundaries, while letting your boyfriend know that you won't tolerate her behavior, then you will probably be doing the best thing you can do to take care of yourself.
Good Luck,
MariaC
I agree with the others that it is unlikely this has anything to do with you personally, except perhaps that he is clearly very serious about you and she may find that threatening. Have you talked to your bf about this? I think it would be a good idea b/c if you are going to be together long-term, it would be best to nip it in the bud, and he may have some ideas on how to do that. I've been married for almost 12 years, and my MIL was quite manipulative and meddlesome in the beginning. She's better now, for the most part, although she still gives me unwanted advice sometimes. Anyway, I'm better able to take it w/ a grain of salt after all these years, and I know she cares about me and likes me.
I'm not sure why she would say that you want a rug--that's a bit odd, if you ask me. Perhaps you did what I would do and said something really polite, like "Oh that's really not necessary," and she took it to mean that you wanted one, but were too shy to say so. In a situation like that, I think it's best to politely say that you appreciate her thoughtfulness, but you're not at that stage of decorating right now. She's probably trying to help, not to be mean.
As for the salad, she may feel that cooking is what she does best. I know my MIL is always trying to lure us over to her house w/ promises of German specialties, like smoked herring salad (yuck!). Perhaps you could thank her for her advice, and ask her to help. I know this probably sounds like the opposite of what you want to do, but she is probably wanting to help and doesn't know what to do. Asking for advice about her son's favourite dishes is another good way to go, if you want her to feel involved in your lives, but not bug you too much.
She could have been hanging around the kitchen b/c she wanted to get to know you better. Next time they visit, could you spend some time with his mother alone? I know this is the opposite of what some other posters have said, but if you give her a chance to get to know you better, she may back off. Maybe she just feels insecure about not knowing who her son is so serious about, possibly the mother of her future grandchildren! Who knows how much your bf has confided in her? Goodness knows my DH hardly ever calls his mother; I am the one who is really in touch with his parents. I call them about once a week or so, and we visit every couple of weeks. I keep them updated on dh and the kids, so they don't feel left out.
Hope you're doing better today!
~Nicola
You do not have to answer that question if you do not want to you see I am from stamford born and raised...
Okay now that I am off my Connecticut kick sorry I get so happy when I see others from the area on the board..
Your best bet is to just let this woman flap her lips until she leaves and just take her with agrain of salt I thuink tht you are doing great by not letting her speak for you and standing up for yourself that is always going to be your best defence..I remember when I would not stand up to my ex's mother and man now I wish I did because I do it now and I think she has a heart attack each time I do so...
I just wanted to show ya some support and I hope that you get thru the weekend remember to not let people like her ruin your day or your world in one ear and out the other works best for me....
best of luck to you hun...sorry I posted my reply so late.
Erin
Abbey, the impression I get is that his parents want to give the two of you a gift.
Its good to know that other people are in similair situations.
I had offered to take his mom to one of three malls or to Yankee Candle. I live in Enfield, CT which is on the Mass border. Yankee Candles are made in Deerfield, Mass about 1/2 hour away. There is also a butterfly museum down the road where you go into this dome and hundreds of butterflies are flying around and can land on you...I thought it would be nice.
I asked my BF to talk to his mother, or at least his dad. I spent Sunday night requiring to be near a bathroom because my stomach was so upset...Monday I spent 1/2 the day in bed with a migraine...
I totally let this woman bring me down and now I am working on bouncing back...it's not so easy to do, but I cant dwell on this forever...
Thanks so much!
HUGS
Abbey
I know where enfield is I go up that way all the time to visit my friend in Springfield Mass...
Yankee candel sounds awesome did she not want to go with you or something and so does the butterfly museam I would have been all over that I love butterflies they are so beautiful and they are such a great symbol when you think about it I mean they go into this cocoon as a worm and re-emmerge as this beautiful creature kinda like all of us here we go into this darkness and most of the time re-emerge with a new lease on life sorry I know cheesey I just like the thought of butterflies as a symboll of my life this past year..
But anyways I hope that you are feeling better with your stomach and that things have gotten easier for you as the week has gone on..
Keep us posted.
Erin