Had enough+want to start living
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 5:03pm |
From the age of 16 Ive been on antidepressants, I think due to total lack of self esteem and also because I let other people get to me too much, Im VERY insecure. I overreact about things and I am very serious, for example, I cant handle any sort of bad situation and end up just cutting people out of my life-usually friends.I overthink so much, I know all the thoughts are negative. I hate myself - how I look - I try to change my looks but always feel not good enough, like Ive made no effort, dont have nice hair or clothes and Im always thinking how I would like my life to be instead of actually living it and comparing myself to others too, I suppose.
At the moment Ive just started a new job - its only for the summer as I want to study away from home come September, and its hell. I just cant relax and get on with the people. I end up talking rubbish and can feel that Im uncomfortable and cant mingle easily and be myself like the others. I just dont like myself inside either though. I feel like a total freak and bore because Im so nervous in the office. Its the same old story over and over....school, jobs, college. Never feeling like I have any worth or that Im good enough, so I shy away and just can not relax to forget myself and even laugh.
Im sick of being this serious, negative, awkward person who worries about how they seem to others, cant relax, feels down all the time and cant see the point in doing anything. Im lethargic all the time and when I look at my past I see only negatives - friends Ive lost, men Ive scared off, everything.
It stops me enjoying what I do have - a great family and my few friends, because Im always thinking, 'I should be this/that person, with X number of friends, look different, etc'
If anyone can relate or has any ideas how to help Id appreciate it big time. Im sick of existing and not living life - thankyou for reading this also. xxx

I have been in your shoes I was in your shoes for most of my life and am just now learning that I am not nearly as bad as I thought for many many years..
What I started to do was look in the mirror and tell myself things like I am pretty I am smart I have a good heart I have a good personality I am worth love and am able to love I then named all the good stuff I have in my life and the bad stuff and to be honest after looking at my life I mean really looking all the good out weighed the bad...
I went through what you are going through I thought I was fat when I only weigh 105 pounds I work out everyday and just learned about a month ago that I do not need to drive myself crazy with working out in order to feel good it was all about me looking at my progress that made me see that I look darn good....I told myself that I was alone because I was a monster when I was actually alone because I hated myself so much that I hide from the world well I am not hiding anymore I am living and seeing that I do attract people into my world...
I do not hate me as much as I did just a month ago granted I am not in love with myself like most peope are but I am starting to like myself I cahnged my hair color to a blondish color and I get so many compliments on it and it brightens up my face so much more and shows off how light my eyes are...there are so many things that you can do to improve yourself image that require such small ammounts of effort and cost nothing...think of all the things that your body does for you that are good...that helped me alot...it also helped me to just say okay Erin you will never be the thinnest the smartest the prettiest ect....all I can do is just be me and if someone can not accept me as I am then they are not worth my time but the hardest part was accepting me as I am and that is key you can never be happy with anything in your life unless you are accepting of yourself it is a long hard road and it took years for you to get that way and it will take years to undo all of it...I have just started this long road but I am confident that I can do it I just have to learn to not let people get to me like you let people get to you I am the same way just try to say to yourself that you are worht all the good the world has to offer and in no time you will begin to believe it and in no time it will happen you just need to practice it everyday and as much as possible in that day...
I am sure that the other ladies here will have awesome insight to share with you and I do hope I was of some help to you.
Please continue to post here often and as much as you need..
Erin
HI and welcome to the board!
My suggestion for you hun would be if you are seeing a therapist talk to them about Cognitive Behavior Therapy.. It
*hugs