Re: Other Woman from he!! post....TRIGS
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:32am |
Here is the latest: SO denies he is hiding something about Kelley from me. He says *Faith* (other woman) is messing with me. I tried to talk to him about it on Saturday but he was in no mood to discuss anything with me. He said he is sick of the crap.
I don't know where to go from here. I spent Sat, Sun, and Mon not speaking to him at all. I stayed in the guest bedroom alone and wouldn't come out. We finally started to have casual onversation yesterday but again I slept in the guest room. I don't know who to believe and I am already so embarressed that I don't even know how to bring this up with him so that we can get it resolved. I am hiding and running away again.
My hiding only serves him. It does me no good at all, because I am the one who thinks about it constantly and imagines things worse than whatever the reality may be. In the meantime he goes about daily life without having to justify his actions. However, knowing this does me no good. I still run and I still hide. I am afraid of the truth. I am afraid to find out that he doesn't love me and he is only with me so that I won't hurt myself. I am afraid to find out that I am more alone that I imagined.
I *cut* for the first time in a long time on Saturday night. I cut my upper thighs so that no one would see. I was hurting so badly. I honestly just wanted it to stop. i wanted to give up. My son was sleeping so soundly in the next room and here I was, his mother , supposed to look after him and all I wanted to do was stop my own pain.
I worry that the cutting is going to be more frequent now. It was my only source of comfort for a very long time. It was the only way I could handle the intense feelings I had. Everyone around me disregards my feelings. Sometimes I think I don't have a right to feel what I do. Cutting gives my pain a reality, I know that doesn't make any sense to someone who has never done it,but to those of you that, you know what I mean.
I want to write Neal a letter but my thoughts get all jumbled up, and I end up sounding like a fool. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Love and Hugs,
~Christy~

I know how you feel about the cutting I did it but have since stopped my area was my arms so now everyday I look at my arms and just get so mad at myself for doing what I did but I understand where you are coming from with making the pain a reality and kinda stopping the internal pain and making it a physical one but there are other things that you can do take a pillow and beat the heck out of it or like what MariaC does get in your car and scream while driving me what I do it listen to heavy metal and yell to it and my god does that help ALOT....
Personally if I was you I would confront neal he has no right to say he is sick of this crap he had an affair he has someother woman calling YOUR home he needs to do something to justify himself to explain himself to you if your thoughts gets jumbled just keep writting and then when you are done read through the letter and pick out the parts with a highlighter and then re-write the letter to him number the highlighted parts 1,2,3,4ect.....that way you will know what order you want t wirtie the thoughts in when you re-write the letter, I do that and it helps me alot because my thougths are always all over the place..just a thought.....
none of is here can tell you what to do or how to handel the situation that you are in only you know what is best for you but my advice is to tell neal that you need to him to talk to you to get things out in the open tell him how you feel, also if you feel alone you need to tell him that none of this will resolve itself you two need to talk if you dont talk it will never end...in my opinion...
I wish that I had some great words for you, but I have never been in your situation and I am sorry if I was not helpful, I just wanted to show you some support, we are all here for you night and day..please keep us updated on how you are doing okay..
I'll be keeping ya in my thoughts.
Erin
I too have abused my arms to the point, that for years I would only wear long sleeve shirts. I have gone much to far with it in the past and as a result I have VERY obvious scars and required stitches on more than one occasion. Funny thing is although they are totally obvious and in no way could be mistaken for some horrific accident, no one ever asks what they are from. Being that I live in sweltering South Florida that is a blessing in itself.
My self destructive tendancies follow me around like a shadow. I always seem to find trouble one way or another. Now it seems - trouble has found me. Karma, I suppose.
Thank you for the advise. It's such a help to know that someone is rooting for things to get better. I always feel swept under the rug like a dark family secret.
Love and Hugs,
~Christy~
I know that sense of having your feelings disregarded. My family dismisses me as being "dramatic." However, they don't think anything of flying into an abusive and sometimes violent rage is things don't go their way. It's ironic, hypocritical and maddening! I know that to them I'm easier just not to deal with at all. However, my opinion is that THEY are easier to just not deal with at all. Nothing is worth being treated like I don't matter.
I have this theory that God often puts us together with the people in our families because we have certain lessons to learn from knowing them and we are so incompatible with these people that if they weren't family we'd never have a darned thing to do with them! It seems to apply to my family. However, I have not yet figured out what I'm supposed to learn from that untruthful, heartless bunch of people. I guess the main thing is that I need to be kinder to others than they are to me!
I would be so frustrated if I were in your shoes and my SO dismissed my pain be saying he was sick of the crap. He should be protecting you from this psycho other woman. You were royally slimed by her constant phone calls and her verbal assault on you in which she used the personal knowledge he gave her to try to make you feel he doesn't care about you and thinks that you are crazy. He needs to fix that!
Are you in therapy right now? If not, call your doctor and get the name of a good therapist. It sounds like you need a good sounding board to get some perspective on this uncaring man who disregards your feelings, in the tradition of how your family did.
I'm so glad that Erin wrote to you. She knows so well the experience of cutting. Cutting is a difficult action to stop. Erin has made incredible strides this year. She has taken charge of her life one step at a time. It's been amazing to watch. She has really listened to other people's feedback on the board and adapted their coping techniques to what works for her. She realized that she is the only one who can take charge of her life. It's been an inspiration to watch her.
Finding ways to handle that intense inner pain is one of the hardest things to do. I have always used food to cope. But it has helped me so much to do anger work, such as beating on pillows and yelling in my car. That pain that you are talking about that drive you to cut is real pain. It has to find a way to come out of you, or is festers and drives you to do self-destructive things for relief. Try yelling to loud music while driving in your car or screaming into a pillow. Put all of your pain and anger into that scream. Then do it again. That can help give you relief from the torment.
Meanwhile, I hope that you will see a therapist. Since you've been suicidal and are dealing with an unhealthy relationship, you need support and coping techniques to help you create the validting life that you crave.
All My Best,
MariaC
As for what she said about him staying w/ you b/c he's worried, why would you believe her? She will say anything to hurt you b/c you *won*. He left her to go back to *you*. You're the one he wants to be with, not her. Christy, she is vindictive and cruel and just wants to hurt you any way she can; please don't believe her.
I don't know anything about cutting, as I only did it once many years ago and it never became an "addiction" for me. I think MariaC is right to suggest therapy for yourself. Also I find writing helps me to get things out of my system. You could write Neal a letter and not send it. Even if things come out jumbled, it's just for you so it doesn't matter. It's just a way to vent, which is what you are doing by cutting yourself, from what I gather (this is my take on it, so I may be wrong).
I really hope you and Neal can work things out. My DH and I are doing really well now, esp. since I've been working on my own issues and am better able to handle problems in our relationship--inevitable after 12 years!
Hugs, Nicola
I desperatly need to learn how to cope with my anger. I have terrible mood swings and anger is a big part of how my mood swings are represented. I get angry when I am sad. I get angry when my feelings are hurt. I get angry when I feel lonely. Someone once told me that depression is just anger turned inward. I believe that. I have tried to control the anger by telling myself that I can not control other peoples actions just what i do with the feelings they cause. Hopefully, someday it will work.
I appreciate your kind words and your advise. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Love and Hugs,
~Christy~
Funny how you said the OW was mad because I *won* - When she and I talked she told me that I should be happy because I *won*. When she said that it struck me as this was a game for her. She is cruel and bitter and I told her as much.
It really upsets me though that she only has this knowledge and power to hurt me because Neal chose to share my personal problems with her. I don't know who I am more upset by sometimes.
Im glad to hear that you and your DH are doing well after his trist. I hope that someday I can say the same about Neal and I and maybe help someone else deal with this like you have helped me.
Love and Hugs,
~Christy~
Neal may have shared this with her just b/c he needed someone to talk to. Men often don't discuss emotional things with their male friends, so usually the women in their lives are the only ones they can talk to. I think this is very isolating. Anyway, I understand that you'd be angry with him for telling her, but maybe it's a sign that you both really need a third party to talk to.
Glad I was able to help you a bit.
Love, Nicola