More of my story - possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
More of my story - possible triggers
1
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:19pm
Hello everyone. Thank you for the suggestions regarding my last posting. I will definitly try them. I mentioned before about my 'friend' that I had been living with and I really need to share a little of the story, if for no other reason then to get it off of my chest. When it looked like I was going to lose my home, a professor of mine, Cyndy, came to my house one day and packed up all of my things. She told me to come and stay with her until I could get back on my feet, no matter how long it took. I was very against the idea from the beginning. I tried to tell her, tried to explian, but she told me she would be there for me no matter what. For the first time in my life I trusted someone, I believed that she would be there, I believed that she cared. In the six months I stayed at her house she helped me get my social secuirty beneifts and I payed her a little bit each month as well as bought all the food. It was a tight squeeze in her two bedroom home with her and her adult daughter and then me and my young (9) son, but we really made the best of it. I helped out all I could, by doing all the laundry, fixing most of the meals, mowing the grass, etc. Then one evening she asked if we could talk - it is true what they say, no good conversation ever starts that way; anyway, she accused me of lying to her about being sick and asked me how I could be comfortable living off of her charity. I was more than hurt, all I could do was kick myself for trusting someone. That was about nine months ago and I just got all of my things moved out of her garage and into storage. The only thing is is that she has copies of all the paperwork regarding the social security, she has copies of my medical and financial powers of attorney (which I listed her as my advocate in both cases), she has the copies of my will, with her listed as sole beneficiary and she has some cassette tapes from an interview she did with me for her abuse and neglect class that she teaches. I asked for all of those things and I received an email from her this morning telling me she has no intention on giving them to me, stating that she needs them for herself. I am unclear what she needs them for, and I so do not trust her with them. I don't know what to do. Part of me says to ask for them again, ask her why she needs them, what use does she have with them and yet another part of me says just leave it alone. As for the powers of attorney and the will, all it would take is to name someone else as advocate and beneficiary, the more recent date would overrride the papers she has. And the tapes, well I have already told her I changed my mind and did not want them used for her class. She told me she would respect that, so if I find out that she used them I could go to the dean of students and complain. My problem with that is that the damage would already be done.

Truth be told, right now the biggest part is how very much I miss my friend. I never realized until this how important it was to be able to trust somebody, but I also never realized how profound the grief could be when you find that the perosn you trusted with your child, your heart, and your very life was as untrustworthy as I am finding her to be. I have cried more over the end of this relationship than I cried over the end of my marriage. I have tried everything to convince her that there was something in our relationship to salvage, but nothing has worked. I know it is time to let it go, but it is so hard. At a very deep and personal level I can honestly say that I never loved anyone the way I loved her and that makes this hurt all the more.

All I have been thinking about all day today is how I want to cut myself, how a part of me just wants to die, how the only thing in the world I want right now is to find a way to make the pain and grief stop. I am just hoping to hang on long enough for the intensity of this to pass. I am so very tired of just surviving this life, I want to find a way to live, to thrive, to be a little bit happy, to have some level of peace. I have never been so scared in all my life that that won't happen.

Anyway, thanks for 'listening' to me vent about this. My family doesn't understand and I really don't have any people I would call friends to share this with, so it helps to have someplace to go with it. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:45pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((OH godsangel1103)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


That has to be one of the worst things to trust someone that much and then feel like they totally abused your trust.