A Never-Ending Cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
A Never-Ending Cycle
4
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:51pm
Hello everyone. I've been reading the IVillage posts for quite some time now, but never had the guts to post myself. It has gotten to the point that I feel like my life is a neverending cycle of depression and problems, so I was wondering if anyone else has had any of this happen to them. I have dealt with depression it feels like my whole life. Finally, four years ago, while my mother was going through her divorce (my stepfather), I was going through so much with her and my job that I felt like I had a nervous breakdown -at 25! I tried Zoloft, but had serious problems staying awake (not good when you are attending meetings with other offices at work). I ended up taking the OTC supplement SAMe. On bad days, I would joke to my boyfriend that Sammy was my friend. Well, SAMe seemed to get me through okay, until last year. I had worked lots of overtime while having the heaviest workload in the office, when my boss blindsided me in my yearly review. She said quite a bit, but the one thing that stuck in my mind, was that she thought I was too thorough. She totally blew me away! For some unexplained reason, I could not, and still haven't, recovered. I'm used to being frustrated, and having to deal with problems and difficult people, but what she said affected me so much that it threw me into a very deep depression. At one point, I just laid in my dark closet floor and cried for a whole afternoon, wishing the world would just swallow me up. I had always prided myself in being a good, hard worker. After my review however, I hard time just getting up in the morning and going to work. Once I got there, I felt like I no longer knew how to do my job. I became concerned with being "too thorough", and was confused about exactly how I was expected to do my job, a job I had be doing for nine years. I would go to lunch and cry. Come home and cry. I didn't trust anyone I worked with (still don't). And, things that people say that used to just roll off my back, became seeds of paranoia. Finally, after several months of this, I came to the conclusion that SAMe just wasn't enough anymore, so I went and saw my family doctor (who had prescribed the Zoloft earlier). She prescribed Lexapro, and told me it was clinically proven not to cause weight gain (something else I have fought my whole life). At first, my family was the only ones who knew about me being on meds. Hopeing she would be understanding (since she once told me her own father had committed suicide), I ended up telling my boss, also. I was taking 10mg a day, but started having problems - serious weightgain, lack of memory, having trouble thinking of works or finishing a thought, and still having depression. On top of that,

a) I feel like I became my medication to my boyfriend. Anytime I would get worked up about something, no matter how small,he would automatically say "Maybe you should increase your medication". Plus, since he has the opposite weight problem (he can't gain enough), he doesn't understand how frustrating gaining 15 pounds for no apparent reason is!

b) I have figured out my boss is using my illness to get me to tell her the office gossip. She'll start out asking me how I'm doing, of if something is bothering me, and in no time she's asking me about what my coworkers have been talking about. I'm really having a hard time not confronting her about this. I just always worry about her using my illness (which she hasn't helped any) to hurt my career. I know I could just find another job. But I live in a small town, and would have to move, possibly to another state, to get a job that pays as well.

c) My self-centered mother could care less about my depression. She's a big part of my depression. She just uses me, and quite often doesn't seem to appreciate what I do for her. I have practically drained my savings helping her out financially. I ended up paying off her car with my credit card, because I got tired of her not making the payments for three months, then calling me knowing that I would catch them up so her car wouldn't be repo'd. She's called me on her cell while driving around hiding from the repo man, for crying out loud! When I told her I was taking a prescription med for my depression, but was having a problem with weightgain from it, her only response was "I thought you had gained weight, but I wasn't going to say anything". Yeah, I really feel the love.

I didn't want to come off the Lexapro because it was helping me have a better outlook on life, but the weightgain, memory problems, and other things, got to be a bit much, so I decreased the dosage to 5mg. After realizing that the cycle I descrbe above is never going to end, and that the side affects weren't going to go away no matter how hard I tried, I decided to come off the Lexapro completely, with the thought that maybe I could learn how to deal with my life somehow, or if I can't, I'll just stop trying and finally give in to the ending it all thoughts that are constantly in the back of my mind.

Can anyone out there relate, or am I really just over paranoid?

I'm sorry for being so long-winded. I know I don't always like to read long, drawn-out things (I had hoped to keep it shorter). I do have a problem with thoroughness, so I've been told.

CleoCleopatra

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:25pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cleocleopatra))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I think that if I had an employee that was too thorough, I would almost have a heart attack.

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:49am
Hi Cleo~

You sure are going through a lot right now--no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I want to quickly address a few points. First, the meds. There are antidepressants like Wellbutrin and Celexa that don't cause weight gain. In fact, Wellbutrin usually causes weight loss. If you think you could benefit from meds, you may just want to try something else. I took Paxil for 8 mos, but it made feel tired and out of it, so I switched to Celexa, which works a lot better for me.

Re. your boyfriend's comments: This is just inappropriate and mean. I'm guessing you're fighting when he says this, and he does it to get to you. Has he ever apologized? I know my dh has said such things to me once or twice in the past, and then apologized. He hasn't done it in a long time now.

Re. your boss: She sounds horrible! I think Trac is right and she may feel threatened by you. Did she give you some specific feedback, like in what areas you are too thorough? Maybe she feels you are not as productive as she'd like. Could you ask her for some very specific details (okay, there's my meticulousness coming out, lol) as to how you can improve your performance? At least then, if you get it in writing and do what she wants, she can't harp on you at your next performance review. It's all about ccovering your rear-end, lol! Do you think you could handle looking for another job right now? It would be stresful, but may be worth it. And moving might not be such a bad thing if it would get your away from your boss, bf and mother!

Re. your mother: Can you distance yourself from her, physically and emotionally? Or at least emotionally? It doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship for you right now--or maybe ever. In any case, I think therapy would be a really good idea for you, if it's possible, b/c it sounds like you have some major issues to deal with, and maybe a third party would be able to help you with that.

Okay, that was my idea of "brief"--I can totally relate to your thoroughness.

Take care,

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:31am
Thank you all for your responses. Having someone who really understands means a lot.

I'm glad mumontherun mentioned therapy. I have been off my Lexapro for over a week now, and have come to the conclusion that I need to take something. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't have to be medicated to make it thru one day at work, but just about everyday, I prove myself wrong. Ususally by the end of the day, the depression and paranoia have got the better of me. I do go to the gym, but most days I have to tell myself that going home isn't going to get this extra weght off. (Sometimes this convinces me to go; other times, I just give up and go home.) As I mentioned, the Lexapro was helping with my feelings of hopelessness, etc., but I'm not sure if I want to try it again. I had heard that Welbutrin could cause weight loss, which at this point, would be great. That just adds another stresser, though. After my medical doctor, who had prescribed the medications I tried, and who had me have bloodwork done and an MRI done to see if there were any medical reasons for my weight gain,depression, and memory loss (all the tests came back fine), didn't seem too concerned about me suddenly coming off the meds all together, I am not sure if I want to go back to her with this problem. I am considering therapy, but have many concerns...

a) What do you do in therapy? Does it really help? I have always wondered if it would be worth the trouble. My thought has always been that my problems are never going to go away, so what good would talking to a total stranger do?

b) How do you find a therapist that is good/right for you? After all I have been through my whole life, I have a problem trusting people. I am not very patient. If I don't like the therapist, I am likely to give up and not try to find another one.

c)Aren't you paranoid about talking to a therapist? I have always feared that when you go to therapist, you will have a mental health record, which will harm your future. There are so many people that I believe still view people with depression as somone who doesn't have the mental capability of being responsible, and therefore are not capable of being a good worker. Simply put, I fear that going to a therapist will cause me to lose my job because someone will find out about it and think I am certifibly nuts.

Any input you can give on the who therapist idea would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks again for your thoughts and support. I am so glad I finally started talking on this site, instead of just reading.

Sincerely, Cleo

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:02am
Hi Cleo~

I think these are all very valid concerns. I have been through a number of therapists, most of whom I have to say were pretty useless. Research has shown that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy--which teaches you to change the way you think, eliminating negative, self-damaging thoughts--is the most effective. A good book about this is "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns. You can buy it at Amazon.

I would say to start by talking to your doctor and asking him/her if he/she knows any CBT therapists. You can also contact the APA, which should be able to give you some referrals. Do you have any friends in therapy? That could be a good way to get names. You could also try the Psychiatric Dept of your local hospital. You may also have a programme through work; many companies do deal with agencies that can provide at least some limited-term therapy. They do not tell the employer the name of the person they are seeing, so it shouldn't affect your reputation at work.

I think the best thing to do is to get a list of names, then call the therapists and schedule a getting-to-know-you appointment. I think you can tell a lot by the initial phone call. If you don't like the person, don't go back. It doesn't mean that you are giving up--you need to feel comfortable with whomever you are working with or you won't get anywhere.

My current therapist has helped me a great deal. The funny thing is, I never wanted to see a man b/c I have sexual issues that I thought I'd be too embarrassed to talk about, but he's helped me more than any of the women I've seen. I liked him as soon as I first talked to him b/c he spent about 1/2 an hour talking to me and asking me background questions, saying that he didn't want to waste time getting this info when we met. Thsi told me that he was more interested in helping me that squeezing me for every penny he can. When we met, he said that he normally has a liimit of a year in which to help someone. If he and his patient don't see some substantial improvement by then, he will refer them to someone else, b/c he believes that it means they are not a good match. I saw him for a year, then took a break for 8 months, and have been back for about a month.

I hope you can find someone you like and feel comfortable with; it is very important to be patient and be willing to keep looking until you do.

Take care,

~Nicola