Fiance "depressed??" ~ blames me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fiance "depressed??" ~ blames me
2
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 7:41am
I'm not sure if I'm on the correct board - if I'm not, please redirect me to the proper place for this post.

My fiance and I are in our 40s. I'm American and am living with him in London. We've been together almost a year.

We've had and continue to have challenge after challenge (financial, Visa's, etc.) in this relationship. We're waiting on my American divorce to become final so that we can marry and move to the US. It's been a nightmare from day one. Basically, we are now in a waiting game - waiting for either my husband to agree to a settlement before a final hearing, and waiting for the final hearing itself.

My partner is not handling this well. He tells me he's depressed but I'm not sure if it's bonafide depression or ... well, whatever. I can fully understand his feelings of frustration - I'm frustrated, too, and want nothing more than for the divorce to become final and he and I marry and move to the states - but when he gets in these "moods" he blames ME, saying that I haven't pushed my attorney enough, been aggressive enough with him, etc. He says things like, "I need things to happen" and "If the roles were reversed" he would be "working bloody hard" to make sure that things were happening and he says things like if it was his divorce we were waiting on he would be "moving heaven and earth" to make it happen...and that I'm not. Then he begins to doubt whether or not I love him. He says logic tells him that I'm using him.

What he refuses to hear from me is that all of this IS out of my control (although he says it isn't). He thinks that if I pressure, pressure, pressure my attorney, it will move the system along, but it won't. The system is the system and it has its own timetable. His argument is that every day I should be looking for options and alternate solutions to moving this thing along, but the only feasible options (hire a new attorney, represent myself) are impossible (we don't have the money for another attorney) or prudent (would set the timetable back even more).

I am under so much stress from all of this - the arguing, the crying, the accusations he hurls my way. I really can't take this any longer. I left my husband, my grown children, my grandchildren, my job, my gorgeous home, my friends, my family and my country to move over here with him. We live in a hell-hole area of Greater London in a crappy house that I have to keep locked tight all day because of crime in the area. I have no car, and cannot legally work. And he thinks I'm using him.

If I try to talk with him about MY problems and frustrations and grievances, he gets REALLY bent out of shape and says that I am TOTALLY wrong to be talking about me when HE'S the one who has flagged up his depression.

I truly don't know if what he has is depression, or if he's just a bully.

He's threatened suicide at times; I'm beginning to contemplate it myself. I cannot live like this and once we're married, I'm worried that if this is the way he handles stress, I'm in for a life of misery.

Can someone help me sort all of this out?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:47pm
It sounds like you have very good instincts about the situation already. These kinds of situation truly show you how the other person handles stress. In addition, this man sounds like he has a very self-centered view of reality, as well as little compassion for your situation.

You said that he says that the divorce problems have "flagged" his depression. Does he mean that they have caused it or brought it back up? I would think of "flagged" as put attention on his depression.

A year is not a very long time to be with someone. If things are already this bad, they will probably only get worse. The beginning "in love" stage of a relationship can be intoxicating. Many people follow those feelings they have towards this new person. But that hormonal state has nothing to do with what your relationship will be like with this new person. I married someone a long time ago that I had connected with instantly and had amazing things in common with. We rode that high for a few months and were soon engaged. When family and financial stress hit, we didn't have the skills to weather the storm. I think that he looked to me as the cure for his longtime depression. But after the initial hormones wore off, he was still the same depressed guy he'd always been. So he blamed me. He blamed me for not wanting to spend my savings supporting him (which I ultimately did). He blamed me for not wanting to spend my time with his nasty, unhappy family. Heck, he even blamed me for not liking Loreena MacKennitt, one of his favorite musicians. I like everyone else he liked. One day he started yelling at me that he never listened to Loreena MacKennit anymore because I didn't like her. I said, "Listen to her in your car, but don't blame me!"

I think that blaming is a bad habit that many people use as a way of coping with stress. It damages relationships. Unless he is willing to work on that habit, your life with him will only be a string of situations like this. Imagine what it will be like when he is in America. He will blame you for losing his country, culture, and status. He'll blame you and your country for whatever goes wrong. I know that it sounds like I'm assuming a lot, but if he's already blaming you for something that you can't control after you gave up everything to be with him.

I think you should really listen to your inner sense on this one. I wish that I had in my case. Maybe I wouldn't have married that guy. I'm with someone now who never blames me for anything. We've been through many struggles, but he handles them with grace and flexibility. We've been together for 8 years and I'm more in love with him now than ever before. I appreciate him even more because of my experience with my first husband.

By the way, my first husband moved back in with his parents when we split. He still blames me for his life being a mess, even though we were only together for 2 years and his life was a mess before he met me. People who blame in that extreme are just using others as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for themselves.

Your guy may very well be depressed, but that doesn't justify his bad, bullying behavior. Whether he's depressed or not, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Good luck,

MariaC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:52pm




Hi and welcome to the board!


Since Men have a very different way of dealing with Depression I suggest you see if this website


Men with Depression http://www.maledepression.com/

*hugs