MEN.......need I say more
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| Thu, 06-03-2004 - 11:39am |
I was in therapy last night and it was a very manicu day for me I finally figured out what sets me off into my manic states..Rushing yes I said rushing if I get crazed and have to do things at a very fast paces I get manic I talk fast I move fast my thoughts race and it takes a bit to calm down I have no idea how Marnie understood what I swas saying because I was jumping all over the place never staying on one topic for too long...
So we talked about men alot I told her how ISaw jon on sunday night how it made me feel like crap to see him with another girl even though we have not spoken in a while and we never dated but to just have him ignore me set me off..Marnie tells me that I am so obsessed with Jon because he is a challenge to me because I know tht I can not have him therefore I want him even more and she is right I know that if he showered me with affection I would probably back off...so here I am with this MEN ting..
How I seek attention and approval from men I thought that it was because of my dad leaving when I was a baby marnie says it is also an esteem issue that probably coinsides with my dad leaving me so here I am trying to figure out why I can not just stop leave it alone and just be okay with one person and not seek the attention of almost every man that comes my way...so then I start to think about the whole Luis thing how I slept with him and I start to think that maybe I had no control maybe I just go t so wroapped up in the attention that everything else flew out the window but I also know that I am wrong or was wrong back then so here I am trying to figure out how to not so this anymore...
Marnie told me that I need to still work on my self esteem tht I have made progress but I have only been taking a long hard look at myself for a short time and that if I take a step forward but at the same time take a step back that it is okay..not to stress that it took years for me to have this self hate and that it will take time to stop the self hate...so that is a break thru for me I guess..
We also talked about this compliment I got this guy told me I was tiny and skinny and I just gushed at that I loved hearing that it was the best compliment I could ever recieve now mind you if he told me that I was pretty or had such a great personality it would not have been the same I would have brushed it off said thank you and moved on..but being called skinny that was so great...Marnie says tht I may always be this way like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic will always think like an alcoholic ect...I will always think like osmeone with an eating disorder it may not alway sbe up front in my head but it will always be there...I may never be able to get on a scale again I may never be able to havemy doctor tell me my weight and I may always have to force myself to not go to the diet pill isle and I may always have issues with eating food....but as long as I keep myself in check I will be okay....
Marnie then told me how she remembers the first words I said to her about wha tI think of myself I called myself a monster I thought that I was worse than the devil and I acted worse than the devil..so then we went down my list of things that have changed
1) I no longer buy diet pills
2) I no longer vomit after eating
3) i NO LONGER CALL MYSELF A MONSTER
4) I no longer do drugs or drink way toomuch
5) I no longer sleep around
6) I hardly ever call mysefl fat
7)I do not work out 2 hours a day 7 days a week
8) I am starting to see good things in myself
There are countless other tuings also but those are just the more apparent ones and to be honest I could not have done anyting with out Marnie an with out you all
I remeber when I wanted to die I wanted to kill myself and I told you all that I was going to do it I was shown more support by you ladies than I was shown by my family
I remember when I was doing drugs and sleeping around you all supported me and encouraged me not my family
and when I was just plane low you all lifted me up I am so thankful to everyone here
THANK YOU
Love to you all
Erin
Oh ya the men thing well they seem to be my biggest problem now the whole acceptance thing well I am trying to break free from the men things and just chill out for a bit and enjoy so I made a pact with myself to not sleep with anyone even if it is something that I want to do because I am feeling crappy I will make myself refuse to do that and I think that is my first step to being okay with me.
Okay this is way too long thanksladies for letting me vent out a bit
Erin

I'm so in awe of how far you have come. It' is truly incredible. We all need support in those dark times. My family has also been uncaring and insensitive of me when I've gone through painful things. That's why it's so important to me to be there for others in pain. I know too well how it feels to be alone and not have people who understand.
I completely relate to the addiction to male attention thing. I used to feel so giddy and happy when I got male attention. Over the years I have cared less about it, but I can still get obsessive about being attracted to a man, especially if he is also attracted to me. I realized that it is because most of my life I've had deep depression and the only times I felt "happy" were when I was "in love" or at least in lust with some new guy. That was the feeling that I craved. So even when I was in a relationship, if I started to feel that way about someone else, it would be a major pull for me.
I also have had that big problem of craving men who reject me. I read this great book "Women Who Love Too Much." It helped me to understand that those men represent my rejecting family and my intense need to be loved. Feeling rejected is so familar to me because of my abusive childhood. People who reject me are more in line with my lifetime self-image of not being good enough. So I would always try to prove to them that I was good enough. It was out of control! I can't believe how compelled I would be towards this jerky guys and how painful their rejection was. That whole dynamic is the reason that I am still in so much pain about my ex-boyfriend. I can't deal with how hard I worked to get him to love me, then how he turned around and married some 20 year old he'd just met while visiting Columbia. And they're still together! It feeds into my sense that I'm not good enough and that someone else is. So this guy was a jerk to me, then rejected me for someone he barely knew. And I'm still feeling like a big loser because of this jerk!
Anyway, my point is that I relate to that unhealthy attraction thing. Even if we know that someone is a really bad guy, his rejection is still too much to bear. I think of that like an alcoholic thing too.
This past year I've been working on not getting my self-esteem so much from my appearance. It's been a major adjustment. But since I'm getting older, I think it is time to adjust to seeing my value in who I am, not how I look and how others react to how I look.
I'm glad that you have come so far. Put that list somewhere you look at every day so that you can valiate all of your growth. You've done amazing work! You have so much to be proud of!
All My Best,
MariaC
Hey sweetie!
That is such an awesome list of accomplishments!! You need to be super proud of yourself, because those are some HUGE steps!! I am sending you a huge hug!!
I can relate to the low self esteem issue due to childhood. Let's just say the only way my dad, and my mom for that matter, was there was physically. I was ignored. How can we get over this, Erin? I mean, I know neither one of us wants to dwell on the past and "blame" the past, but how do you do that?
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I am really proud of you!
Take care
Pamela
Keep holding your head up high!
Love, Nicola
hugs