At the end of my rope........(triggers)
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| Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:44am |
I just wish something would happen because I don't want to have to make the final decision. I know you don't know my whole story, but all you have to do is picture for the past six years that anything and everything that can go wrong in a persons life did and continues to for me. I sit everyday wishing not to be here.
I'm sorry to burden you guys with this, but I just don't have anyone else to turn to. My doctor doesn't know what to do with me and told me that with all the turmoil physically going on in my life there isn't really anything he can do for me.
I sit alone most days and cry thinking about possibly leaving my daughters and family (even though we aren't overly close since my mom passed away 5 yrs ago). They don't deserve to watch me the way I am it's just ruining their lives on a continual basis and I really feel if I wasn't here then they would hurt for awhile, but they would all be able to get on with there lives and not have to worry about me.
I'm sorry if I've made anyones day worse by this post. I hope all of you have are having a good day today.
Take Care,
Ellen

On a practical note, are you in therapy? I know it can be hard to get on Medicare, but you could get on a waiting list at least (try going to your local emerg and they should be able to get you in). Or if you have private insurance, that would be faster. I find that just the meds are not enough for me; I have a lot of childhood issues that I am still dealing with, and the meds won't make those go away.
Secondly, I would suggest that you buy the book "The Feeling Good Handbook." It's about $20 at Indigo/Chapters online. It is about cognitive behavioural therapy and has some excellent exercises in it that can help you to see how your thinking is distorted when you are depressed. My therapist recommended it to me and I've found it very helpful.
Thirdly, can you set yourself small goals each day to keep yourself occupied? When I am really down, the last thing I feel like doing is going out and seeing people, but it really makes me feel a lot better when I do. Since your girls are older, you can't do mum-baby stuff, but maybe you could do some sort of exercise or interest class after work.
Ellen, your children still need you. They need you to be at their graduations; they need you to see them walk down the aisle; they need you to teach them how to raise their babies. Please, please don't think you would be doing them a favour by hurting yourself. Last of all, think of yourself. You WILL find a solution to your pain. It WON'T last forever. I think you need counselling and maybe to see a psychiatrist who knows more about meds than your family dr. Please go to your nearest hospital w/ a psych ward. I don't know if you're in the city or the country, but if you have to go to Halifax, then GO!! You are worth it and you deserve to be happy again.
I for one would be terribly sad if I didn't see your name here again, and I don't even know you!
Please do something nice for yourself today and take good care of YOU.
Lots of love and good thoughts to you,
Nicola
((((((((((((((((((((((((ellen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You know I think we all can relate to that statement that sometimes it doesn't really feel like we should go on.
(((((Ellen))))), how terribly discouraged you must feel!
Hunny when we get to the end of our rope we have a choice let go of it or pull ourself back onlng it the way we came from...
i ask my self alot of the same questions you do.
i woke up this am trying to think back to a time before i was depressed. i can remember feeling weird when i was 6 n
prodi_gal