At the end of my rope........(triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
At the end of my rope........(triggers)
4
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:44am
I just don't know what to do. I know I don't want to be here anymore. It's just too hard and I have nothing happening in my life now or the near future to make me feel any different. Part of me doesn't want to leave my family, but I just can't stand the mental pain day after day, year after year. My husband is just about at the end of his rope because of the way I am and have been for the past 5 - 6 yrs and he is of no help to me anymore. I don't blame him in anyway for finally getting frustrated and no longer able to offer me any of whatever it is I seem to need. I've talked to a friend (SIL) and told her how I feel and believe it or not as much as she said she will miss me if anything happens to me she agrees that things aren't going to get any better for me and can't stand to see me hurting all the time. She said it's a toss up to watch me live the way I am or to know that I'm no longer hurting.

I just wish something would happen because I don't want to have to make the final decision. I know you don't know my whole story, but all you have to do is picture for the past six years that anything and everything that can go wrong in a persons life did and continues to for me. I sit everyday wishing not to be here.

I'm sorry to burden you guys with this, but I just don't have anyone else to turn to. My doctor doesn't know what to do with me and told me that with all the turmoil physically going on in my life there isn't really anything he can do for me.

I sit alone most days and cry thinking about possibly leaving my daughters and family (even though we aren't overly close since my mom passed away 5 yrs ago). They don't deserve to watch me the way I am it's just ruining their lives on a continual basis and I really feel if I wasn't here then they would hurt for awhile, but they would all be able to get on with there lives and not have to worry about me.

I'm sorry if I've made anyones day worse by this post. I hope all of you have are having a good day today.

Take Care,

Ellen

Avatar for mumontherun
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 12:47pm
(((Ellen))) Please do not apologize for how you are feeling. Nobody would want to feel the way you do--I know, I've been there, too. Yesterday, I had a terrible day (emotionally), and I thought about killing myself again. I just thought how can I go through the rest of my life like htis? But then my dh keeps telling me that when I'm depressed, it seems like it will never end and that I've always been like this, but I'm not always like that. That's how it is for most of us. When you are in that pit, it is so hard to imagine ever being anywhere else, but it's not the case. Think about when your girls were born--I'm sure they bring a smile to your face at least once every day. I have also thought my kids would be better of w/o me b/c I am so depressed much of the time, but the truth is, they love me to bits, and I'm sure yours love you, too. They would never get over losing their mother. Your SIL obviously cares about you a great deal, if she can't stand to see you hurting. Clearly, you have people who love you around you.

On a practical note, are you in therapy? I know it can be hard to get on Medicare, but you could get on a waiting list at least (try going to your local emerg and they should be able to get you in). Or if you have private insurance, that would be faster. I find that just the meds are not enough for me; I have a lot of childhood issues that I am still dealing with, and the meds won't make those go away.

Secondly, I would suggest that you buy the book "The Feeling Good Handbook." It's about $20 at Indigo/Chapters online. It is about cognitive behavioural therapy and has some excellent exercises in it that can help you to see how your thinking is distorted when you are depressed. My therapist recommended it to me and I've found it very helpful.

Thirdly, can you set yourself small goals each day to keep yourself occupied? When I am really down, the last thing I feel like doing is going out and seeing people, but it really makes me feel a lot better when I do. Since your girls are older, you can't do mum-baby stuff, but maybe you could do some sort of exercise or interest class after work.

Ellen, your children still need you. They need you to be at their graduations; they need you to see them walk down the aisle; they need you to teach them how to raise their babies. Please, please don't think you would be doing them a favour by hurting yourself. Last of all, think of yourself. You WILL find a solution to your pain. It WON'T last forever. I think you need counselling and maybe to see a psychiatrist who knows more about meds than your family dr. Please go to your nearest hospital w/ a psych ward. I don't know if you're in the city or the country, but if you have to go to Halifax, then GO!! You are worth it and you deserve to be happy again.

I for one would be terribly sad if I didn't see your name here again, and I don't even know you!

Please do something nice for yourself today and take good care of YOU.

Lots of love and good thoughts to you,

Nicola

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 3:51pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((ellen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


You know I think we all can relate to that statement that sometimes it doesn't really feel like we should go on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 4:11pm

(((((Ellen))))), how terribly discouraged you must feel!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 9:05pm

Hunny when we get to the end of our rope we have a choice let go of it or pull ourself back onlng it the way we came from...


i ask my self alot of the same questions you do.


i woke up this am trying to think back to a time before i was depressed. i can remember feeling weird when i was 6 n

prodi_gal