Dying Inside

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Dying Inside
10
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 3:30pm
I went out last night, and I am feeling so alone and dead inside right now.

Why do people insist on asking me about my ex (Jodi)?????? I mean, I am positive they wouldn't go up to him and say "So, how's Pam?". I actually told the one guy that. And he apologized and said he wouldn't do that anymore. Then I was talking to these young boys (15 or so) because nobody was talking to them, and the one said he knew who I was. He lives across from Jodi's mom. And so that is how he knows me, from when I was there all the time. Then he proceeds to talk about how Jodi is into drugs and "with that Nicki girl." Like she is the most beautiful girl and of course EVERYBODY knows who she is. I felt as if he ripped my heart out. I didn't know this girls name, and now I just can't get it out of my head. I am so alone and I am so sad. This kid said that she treats him really bad and he always goes back to her. Jodi's mom (I am still very close to her and Jodi's little brother Jeremy - they are my chosen family) said that Jodi told her that she (Nicki) treats him just like he used to treat me. That hurts, because no matter how terrible he did treat me, I don't want him to have to go through that.

I know, how friggin' pathetic can a girl get, right??

He was my best friend, I could tell him anything and everything. If either of us saw something on tv, we'd have to call eachother right away to tell the other about what we saw. Where do I turn when he was the one I always turned to? He was my best friend, and now he is just gone. He was the one who taught me to trust, and then he just tore my heart out and stomped on it. He was the first person to show me any sort of love and affection, and then he just threw that all away. I just feel so dead inside.

My friend Lindsey is so beautiful - guys are always calling her and asking her out. Nobody ever does that to me. I feel as if I could just walk away and nobody would notice I was gone. I really want to do that - just disappear and run away from all this pain. Except that would do me absolutely no good, because it's my heart, soul, and mind that I need to run away from. I feel so helpless and desperate.

I know that people don't approach me because I put on this tough front so that I don't get hurt. And I guess I can't blame them for that. But I am terrified of getting hurt again. I have been this way forever, but somehow Jodi snuck through that wall. And so I let him in, and look what happened to me. And I am so determined that I am not gonna get hurt again....I am trying to distance myself from everyone - my family, my "chosen" family, friends. I really do want to run away and just be by myself.

I am so tired of hurting inside and having to hide it. I am so tired of being scared and leery to trust anyone. But I don't think that I can just open myself up to anyone. It just hurts way too much.

Sorry for babbling on.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:25pm




Oh sweetie,,


if only Manitoba wasnt so far away!!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:46pm
Thanks so much Caly. It helps to know that people here on this board and the Compulsive Overeating board like me. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful cyber sisters, but it has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I find it hard to believe that people actually like me, I don't think I will ever get used to people acutally liking me. I always think it is just another hurt waiting to happen when they see the true me and realize I am not worth it.

I know that shutting myself off from the world is not the answer, but my heart is in such constant pain I just honestly don't know if I can take much more of it. I have lived through 26 years of feeling empty inside, and I just don't see life's purpose. It's like my life has been a cruel joke that someone is playing on me. I know many people have hard far worse lives than me, so I feel guilty for even saying that.

I can't even vent properly. I am tired of always thinking of others first because it was so pounded into my head by my dad that I wasn't important. If I said anything remotely positive about myself, he would tell me to quit bragging.

Anyway, thanks for the response and the cyber shoulder. It is very much appreciated.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 9:13pm
Hi, Pam...I just wanted to send my cyber-hugs as well, and to let you know that I can relate. I know that according to many people who've been through it, the heartache is worth the good times...but I have trouble understanding that myself...the pain always seems much stronger. Please hang in there, though, and at least try to keep yourself open to the possibility of love (I should take my own advice!)...I hear that it can be worth it in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 1:03am

Pamela, I am so sorry this has happened!

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:49am
Thanks Rosa, it is nice to get all the cyber hugs I can.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:55am
Thanks Barb.

You always make me feel special, you remember little things about me. And I have rarely experienced that. God, most people meet me and then forget me, never mind remember little things. Sorry, I am feeling really negative these days.

People always say I am beautiful inside, but how come nobody wants to get to know me enough to find that out??

Seriously, if I was a suicidal person I would be gone by now. Life is just so unenjoyable for me, and I feel like there is no end in sight. I work and when I come on and on weekends I just feel so alone and worthless that I would rather be at work. I go on holidays on Thursday to Spruce Meadows. I booked from Thursday to Tuesday off. The last day of the show is Sunday, so we will be coming back after that. Most likely get home Monday. And I am already freaking out over what I will do with time off alone and by myself.

I really do want to die.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:59am


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pamela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Honey, I am sorry that I didnt respond sooner but I have no computer at home...

I know what it also feels like to not be able to move away from someone eather because you just cant get away from them or because the town is just oo darn small..

Sometimes people can be very insensitive to others feelings when it comes to their ex's I know that people still ask me about Jeremy and it bothers me but I have learned in time to just tell these people to ask Jeremy for themselves how he is doing..and that usually does it for them...

You mentioned your friend who you say is beautiful on the outside but you my dear are ravishing on the inside, you have such a spark and quality of life that no one can compare to so please do not compare yourself to someones external beauty what I have seen in you over this past year surpasses external beauty.....

I know that it is easy for me to tell you to move on from Jodi but I also know how hard it is to do that especailly when that person is so close to you....but try as best as you can....

Honsy please know that I am here for you and sending you a thousand hugs....

Take care of yourself..

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:21am
Thanks Erin

I don't see any of that in myself. I hate myself. I don't see how anybody can like me, because all my life I have been told/lead to believe that I am not more than mud on the bottom of someone's boots.

Sorry, I just shouldn't even post here right now, I am feeling way to down. I don't want to pull others down.

Crap, just realized, I didn't put triggers in the title.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:40pm
Pamela,

My therapist told me one day actually on many many days that it took years for me to think so low of myself and that it is going to take time to undo all of those things, growing up I was never told that I didnt ammount to anything but I was always made to feel that way my sister was put on this huge pedistal and well me I was not expected to do anything with my life...my dad left and never looked back things like tht so I grew up thinking I didnt matter to anyone..well I am 29 and I am just scratching the surface....

Do you remeber when I had caly post those pictures of me? Well I could have done it sooner alot sooner but I wanted all of you to know me as a person first that way you could see what the whole me looked like I did it on purpose that way all the kind words you all said to me before you saw what I looked like would carry over into those pictures...

The thing is that people like you and I who have such horrible self esteem issues what we have to do is constantly keep our selves in check we have to remind ourselves tht we are worth so much more than what other smade us feel we were worth..

and honey I have gotten to know you pretty well over this past year and you are so beautiful and as caly always says beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is more than skin deep some of the most beautiful people in the world have ugly souls and hearts which no longer makes them beautiful and if you ask any man he will tell you the same they could look like a model have the body of a model but if they can not hold a real conversation and if they have no personality and they are mean hearted then they are no longer attractive and it is true you just need to believe in that in yourself...Please talk with your therapist about all that is going on in yourself these past few days let her know how you feel let her help you....you deserve it you are worth it...

We all love you Pamela.

All of my love

Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 6:57pm
Erin, you are such a sweetie. Thank you so much for caring.

I guess I just feel that nobody wants to take the time to get to know me, because I don't look like a model. But then I guess they aren't worth it, right?

You know, I missed that post you mentioned. I will have to go and check it out. Although it doesn't matter to me how you look, I would like to be able to picture who I am talking to. I finally emailed a few girls from the Compulsive Overeating Board my picture AFTER I lost some weight! lol

Pamela

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