I need your opinion ***TRIGGERS***
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| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:10pm |
I have never considered myself to be suicidal, but how do you know if you are? I mean, the past couple of months I have been praying to die. I have never taken any steps to make that a reality. I am pretty sure I wouldn't do anything, because I am really freaked out about veins. I know, it's a weird thing.
I just wanted some opinions.
I am really not doing well, but how do I tell people this? I am so stressed at work, but I can't take time off because they are short staffed as it is. And I don't want to get that "label" at work of being someone who is emotionally unstable. I am so scared.
My mom called last night and she asked if I wasn't doing well, and I told her that I wasn't. So she said "do you want to talk about it?" And I didn't answer her. So then she asked if she should just let me go and I said yes. I was laying on the couch and I wasnted so much to reach out for somebody, some help. But I just couldn't pick up the phone to call her back. I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone in my family. In all honesty, the only person that I could actually have done that with would have been my ex (Jodi). And honestly, right now the only person I want is him. Because no matter how terrible he treated me by ignoring me and going out all the time, he was always there when my depression kicked in. No, that's not true, but when he was there and I was having a rough time he would cuddle me and take care of me. I don't have anyone to do that now, and I didn't grow up with that. So I feel as if I don't have that option anymore. I know one day someone else will take that place, but right now I am so alone and all I have is memories of being loved. I feel so lost and alone.
Pamela

As for your question....that is a tough one because I really dont know how to answer that but I will try...
I was told by my shrink and my therapist that everyone thinks about suicide and that it is normal for people even those who do not suffer from depression to think about it...the big difference is acting and since you have assured me that you will not act on it I feel okay about responding...
I think that what happens is when you are alone and your memories kinda take control over you life doesnt seem to matter nearly as much to you, because all that you are left with sitting on your couch are memories and they dont keep you warm at night or hug you or any of those things that you really need right now...but honey, you have told all of us and you just did it now in your post that Jodi was not really that great to you to begin with that he wa nasty and mean to you..now why would you want someone like that in your life..look at all the good that you are doing you lost weight you have such an awesome personality you are beautiful in and out you really dont need someone like him on your mind...ad you will find someone again soon, just try to be patient and he will come to you...try to say to yourself all the bad things jodi did to you and I am sure that in time he will get out of your head or I could tell you what I tell my best friend when she starts to pine over this guy that is sucha looser to her I tell her a very nasty descriptive picture of him I think of the grossest things on earth and I make up his face for her with all those nasty things and that usually helps her get over him...try it maybe that will help...
Thing is Pamela this guy isnt worth your feelings of saddness he really isnt..
Second I know that it is hard for you to reach out to your family because of the way things were for you growing up but is there a friend that you could talk to or maybe call your therapist..just thoughts...
or just keep posting here you know that we are all here 24/7
All my best
Erin
I guess I should have clarified a little more, I KNOW Jodi treated me bad etc, I just wanted to get the point out that I feel as if my own family isn't an option. But you are right, I do still dwell on the past (mainly him) way too much. But I don't like people to say mean things about him either, and I have told people that.
What you said makes a lot of sense, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply. Make sure you keep me up to date on the Paul scene, okay??
Pamela
(((((Pamela))))), I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time.
As far as a hotline for Manitoba, I am not sure. I could always look it up on the 'net.
I am pretty sure I have told Bettie that I would like to die, but have never had real thoughts about bringing death on. My pdoc is four hours away, so there really isn't much he can do anyway. Last time I saw him, which was two Saturday's ago, we decided we would try to up my dose of Wellbutrin. I had cut back because I was feeling so sick, but I told him I was pretty sure it was still the Paxil getting out of my system. So today I took the 15 mg in the am, and I just took the second dose (100 mg). So I am just waiting to see if that will help me feel better.
I don't think I have mentioned how I would like to die to him, because really, what is he gonna do? I mean, like I said I have no plans to take my own life, so what can be done but just keep plugging along?
I mentioned being hospitalized once to my mom and sister, and they were both pretty shocked. I don't think either of them thinks I need that, but there are days when I really want to be put in somewhere. But then I worry about my job etc. Plus the city where my pdoc is is the same city where my ex is. And I am pretty sure that if he found out I was there he would try to come and see me. And that would just make me feel worse, which I know would not be his intent. It's just a weird situation. It's hard to explain to people that I know he loves me when he has done so much. But I know he does (in his way), but he is just so messed up with the death of his father at a young age, and then with drugs. And I didn't want any part of that, so that is why we broke up. So I am trying to move on.
I have an appt to see Bettie tomorrow. I never really get out all that I want to say to her or Dr. V (pdoc) as I just start to cry uncontrollably, and I feel so stupid. Plus I see her on my lunch breaks, and I have to keep myself together so I can go back to work.
Anyway, thanks for the caring response.
Pamela
Honey, your pdoc might be able to do something with your meds to help chase the thoughts of suicide.
I will just have to be completely honest with Bettie tomorrow, but that still doesn't let my pdoc know. I don't even have another appt scheduled with him yet.
Pamela
(((((((((((((Pamela)))))))))))))))
Barb has done a wonderful job as always of sharing some wonderful ideas and suggestions for you..
For me I only came close to suicide once but like you had many thoughts of 'why keep going?' I never felt though that except for that one day that I was a danger to myself..
I think as long as you keep a life line somewhere, like a hot line or a close friend or you therapist... that you will be ok.. I was lucky to have my best friend Betsy and that is what kept me going..
I just want to send many many Cyber Hugs again and wish in my heart they could be real ones..
Thinking of you with love my friend,
*hugs
*hugs
Pamela
You are not alone..........Hugs Ilka
This is just my thought, but I think the suicidal thoughts can perhaps be a warning that we need to make a change.