All the days of my life....."triggers"
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| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 2:37pm |
Well, not only that but i've kept alot inside b/c where i live your friends turn away if you start venting unless its some of them...somehow, everytime its something with me, i get crapped on by friends and family & peers. I have no safehaven & ppl dont think about that sometimes that for some there is no safe haven, if i say anything or ask for help, i get fussed at or threatened by family, "maybe you need to just come on back home", but doing that would make things much much worse. You see one main root that wrenched me into this depression further this time was when i was suspended from school fall of 2003. Everyone thought that it would do me good (everyone seems to think that they know whats best for me when they really jsut want to gloat & dont have any idea), but it did more harm than any type of good for me mentally, emotionally, financially, academically, and socially...I'm only 21 and i couldnt find a job so i ended up working in a retail store and being treated like dirt and used as the porter and goffer b/c they fired all their male porters. So when i returned to school, not only had 1 of my actual good friends decided to leave, another not able to return b/c of financial issues, but the others changed for the worse. One, was a guy that was a potential bf and after a while he weaned off from me and now is treating me coldly....i've just had a hard life & i havent been sheltered like others think i have, i've been moreso deprived emotionally and financially, and have been forced to hide it inside or be locked away forever b/c my parents "have enough to worry about w/o having to worry about this too" & b/c theyre afraid that i'll become a burden on them. But none of my family stopped to think about anything that i wanted, needed, or what was to become of me, i was born sick w/a very weak immune system and survived but no one took me in consideration, i always got back burner, and suffered like the older ppl did so other family memebers could survive. I'm carrying a big load on my shoulders that i shouldnt have to carry, and been carrying it since my early teens...i have nothing to my name b/c i've helped out my family, and theyre good ppl, but just not appreciative. I keep my faith and i know that even praying wont ensure good things will happen, but i'm tired of being alone and suffering. In my area, if you are a girl born out of holy wedlock, then to most guys in that area and their parents and friends, you are nothing but trash and will never be good enough for a wife or girlfriend, only for a mistress. These fools followed me on up until highschool and then to college and spread the word around and now, be the guy from north, south, east, or west, i'm having a hardtime finding someone. I'm lonesome too, i've been alone since i dont know when and i'm tired of facing and dealing w/everything alone. I got sick at school once w/pox and my roommate had moved out (freshman yr) to go home already, i was in pain, and afraid & my parents were trying to get to me so that they could help me get better, etc... but just that one night i spent lying in pain and dizzy from the meds, i was afraid and i cried. The one guy that understood me was the guy i mentioned earlier who is being cold now. At one time we were very close eventhough he liked being alone and turned down my asking him out twice and eventhough we came from very different backgrounds. When i was out of school, he's the only one that bothered to email me at random sometimes or reply to my emails. Most of my "socalled friends" zeroed me out and then when i came back i was treated as a nutt case or inferior b/c i had to sitout a semester. My school thought that they were teaching me a lesson by doing that, but they really just messed up my life, i cant say that things wouldve been different, but the consequences have been severe. I put up w/alot that i shouldnt have to put up with, and i take alot of crap that i shouldnt take. but when i stand up for myself, i get ridiculed like i am this evil terrible person. like about a week ago, a friend and i got into an argument b/c he started yelling at me for no reason and i tried to find out what i did wrong, but i cant find anything wrong and i tried to apologize for whatever it is that i did wrong, but he's punishing me by being childish. My social life is instant messenger b/c i dont have money to do things or hangout, i cant drive, i dont and cant afford a car, i'm trapped and i wish i were graduating soon. I try to see both sides of things. Yes, my friends had classes while i was out, no, the world doesnt revolve around me or my needs and wants, but if one person can take time to email me at random to say "hi, i just wanted to see how you were doing" while holding 19credit hours worth of hard courses, then why couldnt they? I didnt expect them to email me or call me everyday or week or whatever...My friends, are not good friends i am seeing that now b/c i'm the one that always gets told to go see a counselor or to "Let it Go" or "Get over it" or "Deal with it", they refuse support or being a friend before suggesting seeing a shrink. Yet, when theyve whined about other things worse than my issues and have come running to me or come to me period about the same old same old, i've always been there for them, i've never told them that. So much is going through my head right now, i dont know where to begin. I have no one to talk to and the shrink i am seeing has told me that counseling wont fix everything & thats what ppl dont understand. That maybe my friends should get help too. I feel so alone...and depressed that its starting to interfere w/my classes again like it did spring when i returned to school and that fall when i was out. For instance, right now, i should be in class, but i dont feel like going, i want to go, i just dont feel like it anymore esp. since i flunked the last test & the teacher makes an joke out of ppl who are late. I just want to sleep...I used to fix up/not dress up, but fix up and make myself look nice all the time, at one time, i could wrap any guy around my finger just b/c i fixed up but after i got suspended and when i got overworked, i'd feel so tired that i didnt care anymore, and even today, i fix up most of the time but today is one of those days where i feel like poo and everyone is treating me like poo too. I havent even showered...and i know that its TMI, but its not like me, i'm just lost and religion and faith wont help all the time. I hate to say it but the more i keep my faith, the worse my life gets and i know its bad to say that but it does. People always run from me, but come crying to me and using me as a crutch. I hate being poor and am trying to make something of myself but my school makes it extremley difficult b/c theyre all about money now...i hate having to always buy off of clearance (i see nothing wrong w/it, but its rare that i am able to buy something new for myself and my parents cant afford to, litterally i would have to wait or save for months to have something new, & by that time it was gone) & buying clothes that are too big when i do, its rare that i get to do anything normal 21yr olds would do, and im sorry if i sound materialistic, its only b/c i've never really had anything i wanted, i've always had to take what was given (meaning what they thought i should have so my older sibling could have his heart's desire) or nothing at all. So far, i have saved and purchased a laptop computer (b/c it was required for class and school & my other one died & it was my parent's & they were being ugly about it & a printer b/c i needed it to print out my CAD drawings for class b/c the lab printers dont print color for the diagrams and settings i use). My folks got edgy about me purchasing my laptop and printer, but i used my money that i saved, not thiers b/c they were required...they were all like "wait wait wait, it couldve waited until march or next year" and i try to get them to see that either you bring the blame laptop to class or you get dropped from it & b/c i listened to them and waited, what gened requirements i havent taken, are all laptop courses now and if you dont have the laptop, you get dropped and then if you drop below full time, you get sent home b/c your loans get sent back. Its just the fact that i bought it w/my money and they didnt makes them jealous. Yet had it been anyother family member or child that needed it, they wouldve jumped up to help them eventhough the rest of our family looks down on us as poor country trash. My parents act as if they know everything, and theyre very intellegent ppl, but alot of the academic strain i'm in, i'm in b/c i listened to them and waited around so now, i'm stuck having to take all the hard gened requirements together back to back this fall in spring in order to graduate provided i dont get kicked out on my butt again from school b/c of the hard ones i'm having to take now. No offense to them or anything, but they've never attended college before (turned many full ride choices down in their youth) yet think they know everything about it just b/c they are indeed older and wiser. But yet and still i do as they tell me to b/c they are like, "ok, go ahead and screw up, just dont come whinning to me" and so i listen, take their advice and do waht they say & end up getting screwed and in a bind and so then they are ready to blame it on me, so i've gone to just doing what i need done before i go home & making decisions for myself. Alot of times lately i think they inteded for things to be like this, so they could control me if no one else in our family and theyre finding that its about to backfire, that the lame excuses they always use are wearing thin and stupid rude remarks they give me about my attitude all the time are too, who wouldnt get a bad attitude if for the past 12 or more years while others in the family got educated and progressed, you were held back academically and financially b/c your parents think they know every blame thing or are jealous. I get tired of having to jump everytime they think i'm being mean, when i'm not, i just choose to be silent b/c everything i say they take the wrong way, thats why i dont tell them anything plus theyve told me to keep somet things to myself and thats how i ended up here between me and them and my so called friends, if i get kicked out again, i will have another nervous breakdown! I'm not like alot of other ppl my age, my stupid parents have messed up alot of things up for me and so i have no options, if i flunkout, i endup stuck at home playing gravy train for them b/c they dont know how to manage money and because i wont get to go anywhere. Yeah, i'm company for them, convienient to help out, but other times i'm just the "girl", barely anyone knows i exist...and if i wanna go out anywhere, i live so far out, taxi cabs wont drive out my way its so hillbilly and secluded so i have to ask them and they are like, "why cant it just wait?" "wait and when i get my check blah blah blah", but i end up not getting jack or not getting to get medication refills so my face isnt cleared up like my brother's b/c we cant afford to pay the dermatologist this month so i can go get a check up and move to the next step in clearing it up and it was on its way to looking better too, but no, they made sure that my brother went & that his derm. bills were paid so he could go, and his face and body cleared up, now i gotta run around looking like a speckled chicken b/c after he left our family acted as if nothing mattered anymore. THATS WHY I NEED MY LISCENSE AND MY OWN CAR SO I CAN GO OUT WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! many places have refused me employment when i pull out a driver's permit insstead of a driver's liscense. My credit is so messed up fooling w/them going in debt w/my credit card to help them pay bills and for school, so if i needed anything should they die and i endup having to fend for myself, no one would give me a pot to piss in or a even finance a hooopty for me to drive. I have nothing and what would be left would be taken up in paying off all their debts and then i'd still have to work like a dog forever probably & suffer for their mistakes forever too. ITS LIKE THEY SECRETLY EXPECT ME TO BE THEIR SAVIOR & sacrafice all my days for them, WELL, I'M ENTITLED TO A LIFE too! I'm grateful for what theyve done for me and all, but i didnt ask to be born, and i'm entitled to some happiness. Just b/c i help out and no one else does doesnt give them the right to take a mile when i give an inch, when i get my paychecks, i always endup helping them out, but if i need money, we can never afford anything!!!! they dont take my money, i just go ahead and offer it b/c i know that the bills are behind and that my mom doesnt make enough on all her jobs to pay them and we survive too...so there ends up being nothing left except for what i save for school & use to pay my bills when i'm home from school. I'd rather be in school rather than at home w/those them. All the other kids in the family have a life, i dont have anything and while i'm trying to make something of myself & my parents are trying to to help, they are also bringing me down and causeing me to screw up and when they realize it, it just may be too late and then theyll whine about why i'm always upset w/them. No matter what i do or how much i help, its never enough, they always have something to criticisze me about, "youre so hateful" etc. and i could be sitting in my room minding my own business. I cant even close my bedroom door, "if we call you to go and get something for us or to come and hand us something you wont be able to hear us", thats why you need to get up off your fat butts and do it yourself! But no, when i get ate up by insects and my limbs are too swollen for me to move sometimes, i'm up and down up and down "come get me some water", "take this to the kitchen please" blah blah blah, "come hand this to me, come put this on channel 85"; get up off your butt and do it, thats why you're so stiff b/c you dont move you just laythere and whine all the time. i dont want to have to live with them forever or too much longer, b/c in additon to everything else, they drive me insane!!!! i'm tired of it!!!!! they fuel my clinical depression or whatever it is!!!! maybe i shouldnt expect some guy to come save me, but i'm trying to help and save myself, but i'm being held down and pulled back no matter what, so why shouldnt a guy come and sweep me off my feet and save me!!!! i dont even have money to buy a decent bra with and i'm sick of having to go out in public w/my nipples poking out from my wore out bras b/c they dont have padding and are coming apart!! I hate going home....i dont like my home, and i dont like my hometown, i dont even likeit here in the blame south. I accept my responsibility in this too, its not only the school, parents, & lousy professor's fault too. I can do better, i should study harder, maybe hire extra tutors in addition to the one i have, & give up the only activity and hobby out of the rest that i've already given up just to make the grades meaning spend my entire time studying, like i always do...but what else can i do...it gets depressing and upsetting, you do your best, you give more than you've got to give and sacrafice, and still flunk classes...i'm not a test taker, i'm very hands on, & since freshman yr, i've been shuffled from one major to the next and our career helpdesk counselors and my advisors feel bad b/c they dont know what to do with me all my interests even out even after narrowing them down to 2 on assessment tests. What i really like is Music, Dance, choreography, baton twirling, and photography but my school doesnt offer those types of degrees and when i was a child my mom had to pull me out of dance & baton twirling lessons b/c it & costumes were too expensive, i didnt start piano lessons until i was about 18 and i'm still so far behind b/c my parents swear up and down that it hasnt been 2 yrs since my piano was purchased (its actually been 5) and refused to have it tuned, so it sounds bad when i practice when i get time to practice, anyhoot, i'm so far behind in experience that i'd never catch up and cant afford the lessons, so i never got to learn to my full potential...When i came to college i had prepared to do what i had dreamed of doing all my life after i realized that i wouldnt be able to do the whold music and dance thing & photography b/c we couldnt afford the supplies & camera and lab fees even w/the loans and me doing workstudy (stripped from me when i dropped below a 2.0 cummulative), but when i got here i couldnt handle the courses for that particular major b/c ii didnt have the background....my highschool took more interest in the kids of society's finest and most popular all over ppl like me b/c we were poor...i only got one small $500 scholarship when i graduated b/c what good teachers and administrators i did have felt sorry for me & realized it was wrong after i hadnt got any of the one's i had applied for that were needbased, etc. I was in the top 10%tile of my class and didnt even get needbased help except for student loans b/c all the kids that didnt need them got them b/c thier mommys and daddies were rich or desendents of old plantation families. My parents (despite their faults, i try not to hold it against them b/c like me they are human eventhough they have contributed alot to my issues if not more even today w/things i wont mention here) are pretty good parents, they go w/o a lot to help me pay for school and often cry b/c i've had to pay for most of it w/student loans or money i've worked like a dog to save in addition to helping pay bills at home too when needed, this too i know is TMI, but i've held so much inside that i'm about to burst & i'm in alot of pain and i dont go around telling ppl this, i just want some advice instead of criticism & i want someone to understand. i've tried journals, etc. and they no longer work...I'm bitter, angry, etc. and feel i have a right to be...especially since when i was home on suspension i was everyone's dirty little secret, i even stayed home from church on sundays just so ppl wouldnt be so nosy and ask questions & just to save my family the embarassment...i fibbed to some telling them that on certain days i would come home and work and then go back the next day all to spare my parents the embarassment b/c all the other kids in the church were so smart. I dont know what else to do....i'm going down and ppl are begginning to find out and treat me like dirt....my professors have sensed something is wrong too....so its kinda bad i guess....i figured that older, wiser women maybe could give me some input and advice b/c you all would probably know from experience and as a 21yr old, i'm still very young & dont know much about the world b/c i'm still learning. So if anyone on here has anything yu think may be of any help, i'm all ears, you can even email me if you'd like....

Welcome hun!
That was a very powerful post and I hope it helped to write it!
*hugs
Honey, I'm so glad you posted here!