Self confidence issues *triggers?*

Avatar for kyukang
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Registered: 05-18-2003
Self confidence issues *triggers?*
8
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:46am
I'm 21 and never been kissed. I'm not bad looking, though I am slightly overweight. This slight overweight-ness has led to a massive problem in my self confidence. My mother tells me day in and day out that I would be pretty if only I were skinnier. And I KNOW it's ridiculous. In my head, intellectually, I know that I'm a great person with a charming personality and great sense of humor. But I think I'm stuck with this idea that if my own mother, my flesh and blood, the person who is supposed to think I'm the most beautiful person in the world. If my own mother doesn't think I'm beautiful, than who in the world could possibly think it?

My friends tell me I'm being silly. They say I look great and that any guy would be lucky to have me. And when I express my doubts, pointing to the fact that I'm 21 and have never been kissed (or remotely involved in a relationship with a guy), they don't know what to say.

Recently, my best friend suggested that I enter into therapy to deal with my issues. She said it with love.. but she thinks that it's really MY issues with my own confidence and my own terror of being criticized or rejected by a man that is getting in the way of me having a relationship.

And I think she's very right. That's why I'm finally reaching out to see if there might be a way to deal with this. My self-esteem is a -10 on a scale of 1-10. I can't express in words how ugly I feel.

I only WISH I could afford therapy. Then maybe someone could tell me how to deal with this. No matter how often my friends tell me I look great, I physically can't bring myself to believe them. I automatically reject their compliments as being insincere.

I refuse to go to dance clubs or bars with my friends because I feel I would be the token "ugly" friend that all the guys would avoid. I can't stand the idea that guys are giving me the once-over and rejecting me out of hand.

I'm resigned to thinking that the only way I can really fix myself is by losing the weight. But let me tell you... if ONLY that were as easily done as said. I've lost a few pounds in the past couple of weeks, but I met someone that I think I'm developing feelings for.. and the thought that I'm going to be the victim YET AGAIN to unrequited love is killing me. I need something, but I don't know what. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to lose enough weight to make myself feel better.

What can I do? Please help.

Q

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anonymous user
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:18am
Hello. I think its very important that you let your mother know that its NOT ok for her to treat you the way she does. You didnt ask her what her opinion is on your body, so she has no right to tell you about it every day! Please sit down with her and let her know that you dont want to hear about it again.

I also strongly believe that your mother's critisicms are completely a reflection of her own insecurities and she has to verbally attack or put someone else down in order to bring herself up to a higher level.

I think many mother's do this too, and your mom isnt the only one. However its really bad that she does this on a regular basis! My mom has been commenting lately on how my clothes are tight. Its so funny that my family are the only ppl who seem to think I need to lose weight. Im not even overweight! Mind you, Ive gained quite a bit this year but I dont think Im heavy or anything.

What matters is YOUR opinion and no one elses. I can tell your a great catch and if you just feel better about yourself, that first kiss will be wonderful! All the best HUGS
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:54am


Welcome to the board.........

I want to start off with where you can possibly find a therapist maybe try this place called catholic charities alot of the women here have talked about it and it seems like a great starting point I know alot of places do therapy on a sliding scale basis...........

Second about your mom...I have learnedover time that our families can be our own worst enemies......my mom used to have to announce when I had a pimple which made it 100 times worse for me thatn it really was....I never was told that I was overweight I have always been small but that is besides the point the fact that my mom would pick apart everythin else really basically made my self esteem a negative zero..I am learning now that I am a good person that I am attractive that I do deserve someone who will treat me right and that I am not the monster I thought I was.....the thing is only you can make yourself happy only you can bring yourself to the point where you can look in the mirror and say that you re a pretty women tht you are a good women and that you will find that kiss that you are looking for....remember that it took years for you to get so low and it is going to take time to change your thought pattern and it is hard work but so worth it..

In therapy I learned that how I felt about myself on the inside showed thru on the outside and it made alot of people not want to come near me they could sense the way I thought of myself and for so long I was alone and I did stupid things to kinda numb what I felt on the inside...the point I am trying to make is that since you dont like yourself at all you have self hate it does show to others maybe not in the same form as it showed on me but trust me it shows...and I am sorry if I am sounding harsh or mean that is not my intention at all....

Hun, I have been in your shoes ask the ladies on the board here they can tell you that up until about amonth ago I was filled to my eyeballs with self hate there was not one part of me that I didnt like and then I just got tired and I started to really focus on all the good things about me all the good things that my body does for me and I realized that I will never look like a super model and by the way loosing weight doesnt make you and better for years I weighed about 90 pounds and I thought I needed to be thinner I took diet pills worked out 2 hours a day 7 days a week but I was still not happy and I still thought that I was heavy until one day I was told that I looked sick I was told that my pants looked horrible on me because they were falling off and I just got tired so tired so I stopped taking the diet pills I learned to eat healthy and I gained 10 pounds and I go the best compliment form a co-worked he told me though he hasnt known me all my life that he thought I looked best now in the life that he has known me...so hun haing a healthy weight is fine and loosing it wont make your self esteem rise the only way your self esteem is going to rise is when you start to work on the inside not just the outside....

there is a book I read called body love it helps you recognize all the good stuff about your body and it helps you see what your ideal body would be and it works as long as you work on it...

You can get to where you want to be with yourself...just think of all the good stuff like your hair or your eyes or your heart your soul make a list carry it with you write affermations carry them with you track your progress ect...and it will all come to you...

I am living proof that with some hard work on the inside of you and alot of determination you can see all the good that you really are....

please keep us posted on how you are and I am sure the other ladies here will have a ton of great insight to give to you...

Take care of yourself

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:18am
Hi sweetie, welcome to the board.

I am afraid I can't offer any words of wisdom, I suffer from low self confidence myself. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and am sending you some ((((((hugs)))))).

And I think what Erin said makes sense. I have heard it many times myself - people can see how you really feel about yourself, and treat you how you feel about yourself.

Take care sweetie.

Pamela

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Registered: 01-26-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 1:46pm

Hi, Q!

AcornLeaves
Avatar for kyukang
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:18pm
Thank you everyone for your thoughtfulness. I'm really interested in Catholic Charities, so thank you for mentioning them. I think I'll go look them up in my area.

I guess I really do need to start focusing on the positive aspects of my body. For instance, I like my face - it's a pretty face. And I can make peace with my hair.

Still, even as I list these things I can't help but think my face would be prettier if I were thinner. I know I can't hang everything on my weight, but I think I'm still going to try to lose. I need to have more self-control when it comes to food, especially when it's available while I'm not hungry. I go to the gym everyday, but yesterday I ate too much and this morning I weighed myself as saw that I've gained 3 pounds.

Someone said something about self-hate, and how it really shows through your actions. I was thinking that I really want to learn about how to change my outward behavior. Maybe if I can eliminate that message of self hate from myself, others will be more positive toward me and I can break out of my vicious cycle.

Can you give me some examples of what sort of behaviors may signal self-hate? I wonder if I'm doing some things subconsciously that drive men away. I know I physically protect myself from them (like I try to hide my body) but other than that, what is there?

Thank you again for your reponses. I was so sure I'd get the cliched responses of, "You just need to love yourself." But what you guys said actually helped. Thanks for the hugs,

Q

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:17pm
I'm going to post my reply to your questions under a new post to be sure everyone gets a chance to see it.






Blessings,






co-CL of Depression Support

AcornLeaves
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:52pm
Examples of self hate okay are you ready it may be a long list and mind you I am speaking of my own experiance here...

I am fat

I am unworthy of love

my hair is horrible

I am worhtless

I dont count

I am a monster

picking apart yourself and your body

hiding from the world

cutting

excesive dieting and eating

covering yourself up when in fornt of people and I do not mean being naked just being out in public near other humans

telling yourself you are stupid

not smart enough

not thin enough

not good enough

brushing off a compliment from someone i.e your hair looks great I love that shirt you have on..and just pushing those nice things off to the side.

comparing yourself to EVERYONE

I can go n and on for years and years..

I did this all to myself my whole life no one had to put me down since I already did that for them no one could hurt me with words cause I did that for them also...

I wrote in my first post to you remind yourself of all the good that your body does

your legs hold you up and you are able to walk

your hands give you the ability to write

your hair is shiny and soft and in the winter keeps your neck warm

your ears give you the ability to hear and wear really cute earrings

your belly can hold a baby for 9 months..

You are a women a creature of all that is good on earth you have the ability to give life to create a miricle...we have strength compassion courage, tears of saddness tears of joy smiles sunshine in our hearts...once again I can go on and on...

please be good to yourself

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:26pm

Kyukang,


I totally agree with everyone you posted to your welcome message.

~Jessica